of my GD Journey.

I always knew I wanted three children, right from when I was a young girl myself. I grew up as the eldest of three with a younger Sister and then Brother and always liked the dynamic of three and grew up around both genders so I suppose that was what was ingrained into me and felt normal for when I imagined my own family one day. I was a tomboy and always wanted more boys than girls and since I wanted three I guess my 'perfect' family was always 2 boys and then a girl (otherwise it would have to be 3 boys and 2 girls but I know I don't want 5!)

When pregnant with DS1 I had a slight boy preference as I thought it would be cool for my girl to have a big brother who could protect her but honestly I really didn't mind. I was wrapped to hear I was having a boy at my 20 week scan. My partners boys are so cute and to know I would be having my own with him was the best thing ever.
For my second I wanted to sway for a girl even though I would have been fine with another boy because I still wanted two more and I thought the two brothers should be close in age and if the girl was in between then the boys might be too far apart in age to be really close mates. Again I still really didn't mind, as long as I had three healthy children reasonably close in age and including both genders.
I wanted to sway though because of my partners boy track record and thought it might take at least two tries to get a girl even with swaying.


I read the book "How to choose the sex of your baby," by Hazel Chestermann-Philips which is based on the shettles method and diet but all the old debunked theories around egg and chemical balance attracting the right sperm etc, not Trivers Willard like Gender Dreaming. I got pregnant right away and will never know if the timing I did worked because I miscarried (I now know that Shettles does not work, the theory was wrong).
That was a shock being young and healthy and I had just assumed it would never happen to me. It was quite a traumatic experience. I had a blighted ovum so the pregnancy ended before 6 weeks but I didn't physically miscarry until 11 1/2 weeks and I wouldn't stop bleeding heavily so had to go to hospital and was quite weak for a while.

After that I had no care about gender and just wanted to get pregnant again ASAP because I knew it would be the only thing that would take the rest of the pain away. Fast forward 4 months and I was right. The momment I got the BFP all pain of the miscarriage was gone. I was of coarse more cautious about being pregnant, naturally.

[B][U]12 week scan[/U][/B]
[B]Sonographer[/B] "Are you seeing what I'm seeing?"
[B]Me[/B] "Are there two in there?"
[B]DP[/B] "F#@k&n Sh*&^*& Mo*#*^$%^#$ F&*^%**^&k!"
[B]Me[/B] minutes of giggling from nerves and excitement!

It was soon after that though that I really regretted that we had not swayed and I did stress about it. (At the time I still didn't know about proper swaying techniques). It seemed like a torturous eternity until I could find out the babies genders which was only 4 weeks later due to the need for extra scans with twins who could be sharing a placenta.

Deep deep down I think I knew they were boys. I always thought our second child would be a boy but I was having number two and three at the same time and they were most likely identical so from the same egg and sperm split. I wanted just one girl so badly and since they would probably be the same gender, I'd just have to have two girls. I was so hopeful, nervous and excited that I convinced myself they were girls. They had to be. I think I was in denial because my next two chances for a girl were used up at once and my partner already had 4 boys for HIM and it just wouldn't be fair/possible that he could get two more. I even brought matching pink onesies but nothing else though I did have some 'for the next or next time after that' girl outfits that I had brought during my first pregnancy even when I knew the gender. There was no way I would be one of those ladies who ended up with all boys. For some reason as a child I always felt sorry for the parent who was the only one of their gender in families of three or more of the same. I had to get my girl.
My list of girls names was huge and I hadn't even looked at the boys section in my name book.

[B][U]16 week scan[/U][/B] To try and find the dividing membranes to see if the babies shared a placenta or not.

[B]Sonographer[/B] (swish swash with wand) "that one's a boy," (swish swash) "and that one's a boy."
She said it so unceremoniously and monotone and it didn't help that my [B]partner[/B] immediately said [B]"I'm so sorry"[/B] as he left the room with crying DS1. I was so mad at him, I felt like I had no chance to enjoy that momment positively but in hindsight, I don't think I could have anyway.

I still remember my first thoughts exactly,
[B]"Damb, looks like I'm having 4 children."[/B]

I was pissed off and did not enjoy the rest of the scan or want to look at my adorable babies on the screen. How could they [B]BOTH[/B] be boys! I only wanted ONE girl, just one. I lost all excitement for the pregnancy over the next couple of weeks. And I was mega excited before, I mean twins, wow.

Well I knew it wasn't going to change and I knew I had to snap out of it and the pregnancy started to become complicated and all I cared about was the boys being healthy. As I started to buy more clothes and the time to meet them drew closer, I was getting very excited.

Being pregnant with twins is bar none the hardest thing my body has ever done. I have always been healthy and had an easy first pregnancy and dream birth but growing two babies was alot to handle, especially with a toddler to look after full time without much help. I was admitted to hospital from 30 weeks due to severe pre-eclampsia and I was given steroids in case they had to be born soon but they weren't luckily. So I had a hard time living 45 minutes from Hospital and having to stay there and feeling torn from my DS1 who I did co-sleep with and had never spent much time away from me during the day, let alone the night and all of a sudden his Mummy disapeared. We had the most special and close beautiful bond but after that and being so busy with his brothers as babies, our relationship still has not been fully repaired to this day and his little brothers just turned two. Daddy had to work heaps so DS1 was between him, my parents and me in my hospital room but I was so tired that purely existing got me puffing and I just wanted to be alone. I made it to 35 weeks, which is pretty good for twins and they were good weights and born healthy and just needed feeding tubes until they were old enough to breast feed and discharged at two weeks old.

Just before the birth my twins were footling breech and transverse so when my waters broke a Caesarian was the only option and my partner missed the birth by one minute which sucked so bad. After a beautiful, straight forward drug free water birth with DS1 that left me feeling like a super hero and thinking I want to do that again, a caesarian was a major life altering upset. The fact that I could get over that (which was huge for me) and not my pining for a daughter helps me realise that getting her wont make me move on to another thing in life to be unhappy about. This is the ONE important thing I really want/almost need to make happen for myself. I think the Martha in me wont let me get over it. I know I don't [B]need[/B] a daughter but I know that having one will just be the silver lining to life whenever it gets hard and not living with that imcomplete feeling for the rest of my life like I could have had one more thing in life that was a huge gift to make all other aspects of it more rich.

The GD must have returned around the time my twins were 9 months old when things started to get hard and I got PPD. Not due to gender disapointment but how taxing it was looking after three young children without much help and so little sleep. It was more than I could handle at the time and I often thought, I can't believe I am doing all this and I didn't even get my daughter out of it. Despite feeling like the luckiest Mum in the world and loving my boys more than life itself, I still didn't feel complete. I was not willing to give up on having a daughter. And then I stumbled upon Gender Dreaming.com and I am so glad I did! I have been on this forem for over a year now and the rest of my story in between and for the future is for another day. I wanted to start blogging and this felt like the right place to begin.
I hope you enjoyed reading and it wasn't too long. I'd really appreciate any comments xo