carmella_marie

The Many Phases of Gender Disappointment

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I always wanted a daughter. I think I started praying for her at about age 12. I'm 28 now so I'd say that's about 16 years of unanswered prayer. I guess there is no such thing as unanswered prayer, there is always an answer, it just might not be the answer you want. You pray for a daughter and the answer is either yes, no, or wait. I am really hoping my answer is wait.

It's not that I didn't want a boy. I wanted 2 boys and 2 girls and we'd all live together in a big house with a wrap around porch on several acres of land out in the county. So when we found out our first child, an oops baby, was a boy, I was disappointed, but not crushed. I had been looking on in-gender and trying some of the ions and moon phases and the odd diet consisting mostly of chicken and green beans and lots of dairy products. Byt my husband wasn't ready to have a baby yet, so I was just biding my time. I had wanted to do a cut-off, but wasn't sure how to go about it as I had irregular cycles. I didn't think there was anyway I'd get pregnant that month as it would have been a 4 or 5 day cut off, but the two pink lines showed otherwise.

I tried to enjoy the pregnancy and the first year of his life without worrying about the next child, but it was always in the back of my mind. I had to have a girl. I started to panic that this would never happen for me. I would be the dreaded all boy mom. Around that time I found gender dreaming and I read every article over and over and over. I was completely sway obsessed.

I had an "everything AND the kitchen sink sway"--I was on LE diet crash and burn style for 12 weeks. I basically lived off iceberg salads, low fat dressing, pop tarts, white rice and little debbie cupcakes, it was really gross. I drank way too much diet coke and crystal light. I was on zyrtec, baby aspirin, vitex, saw palmetto, rephresh, and was taking several OPK's a day as well as testing my ph and my husband's ph. We did FR for something crazy like 35 days, sometimes 2-3 times a day, and we BD though O. I was convinced if I just did all these things just right it would guarantee a girl.

My husband absolutely hated it. I don't blame him. I had lost my mind. We got pregnant the first month. I anxiously awaited the ultrasound. The tech put the wand to my stomach and there was an instant potty shot and I knew before she even told me it was another boy and I was devastated. I don't know how I held it together until I got in the car. I bawled my eyes out. It was horrible. I went to Walmart to pick up some things and I have never been so angry in all my life. I wanted to just throw everything off the shelves and smash everything in the store.

The anger quickly turned into bargaining. Maybe it was the cord? Maybe my due date is off and that clear turtle shape will magically turn into my long-desired three hamburger lines at my next ultrasound (it did not, and the kid loved to flash his genitals at every ultrasound opportunity). Maybe by some small miracle it would be a girl at birth? Nope.

I didn't even think about swaying for a while after that. I had post partum depression. I had seasonal affective disorder (which is a real thing and really sucks) my poor second son had horrific reflux. We ended up moving a couple times. I lost my job. Life got crazy.

Here we are now and my second son is almost 2. I don't want my kids too far apart so I feel like if we are going to have another we need to do it soon. I still want a daughter, and now my husband does too. So I started swaying. In January! And I have just been too afraid to pull the trigger. There is always a reason: new job, new house, too stressed right now, etc. etc. I think the real reason we haven't tried is because this is my last child. Once I hear boy on this third pregnancy the dream of a daughter is gone. As long as I am just planning then my daughter can live on in my imagination.

There are some days I think 2 kids is enough. We are in a comfortable place: the kids sleep through the night, we don't have to lug a giant diaper bag everywhere, we are almost out of diapers. They boys are good friends and get along. I like where things are.

But there are other days I want a third child and feel destined hopeless. It won't matter what I do to sway, I can only make boys. But sometimes I think thats ok, I could be the dreaded all boy mom, because sometimes Id rather have a third baby and have it be a boy than not have a third baby.

And then there are other times, and they are very very rare, when I think I can't flip heads three times in a row, and I just might get a yes answer to my prayer.
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Comments

  1. Two of a Kind's Avatar
    So well written, I truly wish you happiness & if you decide to try for a third you will welcome your long await daughter x
  2. Luvmyboys's Avatar
    I could have written this almost word for word! Especially the "can I really flip heads three times in a row?". It is hard. And my second had FTT so he wasn't eating or growing and I had a huge struggle his first year. I did however move on to enjoy the pregnancy after my cry after the ultrasound. It was actually an okay pregnancy for me and I did get excited. But, I know it would be pretty sad for me in #3 if it were another boy. I know I would love him to pieces too, but it's the missing daughter I long for. I actually like having boys, I just thought we would have had both.

    How is your hubby coming along with the embryo adoption?
  3. Luvmyboys's Avatar
    Forgot to add - I never swayed so I do have that "what if" approach too, but it's hard to decide since #3 will likely be our last and my DS is now 4 (oldest is 9) so I feel very rushed to make a decision!!
  4. covered in blue's Avatar
    This is all so familiar to me! Brought tears to my eyes. I really do hope that you will get your girl this time!
  5. Dreamcometrue's Avatar
    Wow!! Thank you for writing this. It is exactly how I feel, except the opposite, I have 2 girls who I love to bits and wouldn't give back for the world. I long for a son and I've finally convinced DH to go for a third.

    I've convinced myself that it will be another beautiful girl which I know I will fall madly inlove with, but like you will be sad that the dream of a little boy is over. I'm going to sway but trying to think that @ the end of the day destiny will decide the baby I am blessed with whether that be a boy or girl.

    I'm also with you in rather having a 3rd girl than no baby @ all!! Good luck with your sway, really hope you get your little girl:happy::happy::happy:
  6. Kittybear's Avatar
    Wishing you the best of luck Hun xx
  7. foxymrsg's Avatar
    Agree I could have written this word for word especially toying with the third child do we don't we! Good luck I hope we all get our dgs!
  8. motherofboys's Avatar
    I'm really feeling this right now, but from a do we/don't we have a 5th approach.
    I wanted 5 or 6 before I had 3. I never dreamed they would all be boys.
    I've never swayed before and I'm trying a middle ground sway but not sure I'm good enough at it.
    There are times when I know I'll have 5 boys and thats ok. Times when I think if it will be a boy anyway why bother trying at all? Times when I think I could be happy with just my 4 boys. And times when my body screams at me to make another baby, fast.
    For a while I kept thinking 'what are the odds of getting 5 boys? really? I know people do but surely there has to be a good chance I wont', now though I know I'll have 5 boys, and it almost causes me to give up swaying I am secure in the knowledge there will be no girl for me. The only thing holding me in to the sway is knowing that when I have a 5th boy I can say "at least I tried"
  9. carmella_marie's Avatar
    [QUOTE=covered in blue;bt3462]This is all so familiar to me! Brought tears to my eyes. I really do hope that you will get your girl this time![/QUOTE]

    Thank you!
  10. carmella_marie's Avatar
    [QUOTE=Luvmyboys;bt3460]I could have written this almost word for word! Especially the "can I really flip heads three times in a row?". It is hard. And my second had FTT so he wasn't eating or growing and I had a huge struggle his first year. I did however move on to enjoy the pregnancy after my cry after the ultrasound. It was actually an okay pregnancy for me and I did get excited. But, I know it would be pretty sad for me in #3 if it were another boy. I know I would love him to pieces too, but it's the missing daughter I long for. I actually like having boys, I just thought we would have had both.

    How is your hubby coming along with the embryo adoption?[/QUOTE]

    Embryo adoption is still something we discuss, he likes the idea of it being a sure thing (not that it will surely work but that iit would be a girl) but is kind of creeped out that there's another persons baby in me, lol.
  11. monkeysnuffer's Avatar
    I think if you really want a third baby, you should go for it. You won't know unless you take the shot. Good luck!
  12. covered in blue's Avatar
    MY DH is the same about the embryo adoption thing. He was all for it at first because he thought I was talking about donor eggs and he would get to fertilise them. But once he fully understood it he said he does think it's a little extreme. Though he really wants one more bio child - boy or girl and after that he said he will seriously consider it. So here we go with swaying and fingers crossed it's our DGs :)
  13. coocoobananas's Avatar
    'As long as I am just planning then my daughter can live on in my imagination'
    That is exactly how I felt before becoming pregnant with my last 2. In fact I was going to just keep living that way forever to get over it and never really have a 4th. But life threw me a curve ball, the ball I wanted but still very scary at first!
    People used to always say that 'well if you don't try, you'll never know' but you know how you'll feel if it's another boy and I have to tell you, each time only gets more painful. (Well until they are here for me at least!)
    But it can happen, I swear after 2, I was sure I would never have a girl but I did but definitely took a few flips to come up my way finally;)