LilithWiser1979

It can't happen to me. It just can't.

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LilithWiser1979
, April 18th, 2014 at 10:54 AM (1604 Views)
I've all but convinced myself that this can't happen to me. When I think about having a daughter, it's the same day-dreamlike musing of someone contemplating winning the lottery. I think of all the wonderful aspects of not worrying and being depressed about it anymore, about the elation and ecstasy of finding out that my dream came true, of telling other people how I was SO lucky to get what I wanted most in the world... and then I come back to reality.

After making three boys, I just feel in my bones that this amazing reality wasn't meant for me. That maybe this state of mourning and yearning is leading me to some great life lesson that will shape my future. That I became a better, and more compassionate person, because of Gender Disappointment, and that I use that compassion to help whoever else I meet dealing with the same shame and guilt.

I want a daughter more than words can express. I realized, shortly after finding out DS1 was a boy, that all my dreams of motherhood involved a little girl. I want to raise a strong, independent young woman in much the same way I want to raise my boys to be gentle, respectful and kind. I want to highlight their abilities to be more than what gender stereotypes, norms and roles dictate for them. I want them to have expectations of the opposite sex (or maybe the same!) that lead them to find supportive, whole and complementary individuals for partners, and to be that for their partners, as well. I just wanted to experience doing this for both genders.

I missed my appointment with my therapist this week, due to a massive brain fart. I wish I'd gone. I always feel better getting these feelings out, crying a little about them, and getting feedback. I know life will go on if I find out this is another boy. I know I will eventually heal, and use this pain to propel me into something greater. I know I'll be a good mom, wife and woman. I know it doesn't mean there's something wrong with me if I can't produce a daughter. It doesn't mean I'm less feminine, womanly or motherly if I only have sons. I have to tell myself this often enough that maybe someday it'll really sink in and I'll truly believe it.

I've been telling myself those things for years. On good days, I believe them. On the other hand, telling myself that I have as good a chance as anyone else to be carrying a daughter right now just isn't going to happen. I don't have enough time left to convince myself, and I don't think I'd want to. Hope can be toxic.

Sorry to be so down. This blog just substituted for my counseling session this week.
Categories
Natural Gender Swaying Blogs , Swaying for a Girl

Comments

  1. Mulberry Smurf's Avatar
    Don't hold back bonding with and loving this baby you are growing inside you just because you are scared. Open up to your baby fully. Let your heart break and be healed. Sending positive energy to you xx
  2. Houseofblue's Avatar
    I am right there with you Lilith!!! I sometimes laugh to myself and think why did I even bother to try one more time, b/c I for sure don't make girls! <sigh> I want to have hope but I was sooooo sure DS3 was a girl (nub shots and all looked girly) only to be told yet another boy and then breakdown in the u/s place bathroom, ugh. Really tired of going through that, and while of course I love my DS3 to pieces, I just want to be able to move on from this stage of wanting a girl...once I have one I can move on from the obsession etc. I pray we both get our dd's Lilith!
  3. ocean's Avatar
    All of what you're feeling makes a lot of sense to me. Trying to find some reason for a result that doesn't have reason to it. Reasoning helps me over time too...it takes much, much longer to absorb than emotion, of course, and it doesn't feel as authentic at first. But emotion isn't always really the right answer for me, it's less healthy and more surface. My core soul wants to REALLY see life differently, and that's where the CB Therapy comes from, I'm trying to change my mind's automatic, unhealthy thoughts, as they're not how I want to live my life. Glad you're seeing the benefits of therapy too.

    I liked how you said, "I want to highlight their abilities to be more than what gender stereotypes, norms and roles dictate for them." I feel very strongly about that as well. My eldest likes princess dresses almost as much as he likes 'boy' costumes - after all, they are sparkly and sparkly is FUN - and in fact said to me recently how he was sad that boys are supposed to like 'boy' stuff, which he heard at school and of course we talked about. In our house, our kids can be and play ANYTHING they want. And that statement doesn't just apply to girls, the way it seems to in the media.

    Your dreams of motherhood sound quite balanced for both genders. 'All your dreams of motherhood' now include your sons and that's a wondrous and life-changing outcome.
    Updated April 19th, 2014 at 10:23 AM by ocean
  4. Kittybear's Avatar
    So much of what you wrote could have been taken directly from my thoughts....
    You sound like an amazing mummy and your boys are very lucky to have you!
    I really hope that your daughter is busy cooking away and your dreams come true.
    Xxx
  5. sgharrison's Avatar
    I just joined here and I know exactly what you mean. I have 3 DS and I love them so much but it doesn’t take the place of that DD I dreamed of my entire life. You go girl and vent! There seems to no other place to be honest about how WE feel due to so much judgment from others. I know exactly what you are going through and considering to shoot for baby #4 also. Saying prayers you get your DD!!!! When will you find out?
  6. angielorna's Avatar
    hugs to you Lilith. GD is not an easy thing to cope with. I hope whoever you have in there helps to make you feel complete.

    Angie