ocean

I wouldn't have GD if...

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ocean
, April 19th, 2014 at 10:51 AM (1084 Views)
I wouldn't care about the gender of my children if I lived on a desert island, just me and them and my husband.

If this was therapy, my therapist would then ask me, "And how much do you believe that?"

I would tell him 99%.

My children make me deliciously, decidedly, dramatically happy. Now they also can make me so frustrated and upset that I want to withdraw and be anywhere but with them....but that's parenthood, and those feelings are fleeting in the grand scheme.

But really, if it wasn't for:
- watching other families walk by
- my extended family and my family of origin
- my girlfriends with girls, most of whom I rarely see
- a few comments from strangers who mean nothing to me
- and the ridiculously-over-genderfied clothes and stuff sold in stores....
if it wasn't for those things (which can be big, I know), I just wouldn't have GDesire.

And this is where my therapy comes in, and trying to change my automatic thoughts. As everything above comes from my mind - how I take in information and what I do with it, and what I think about what I experienced growing up.

Even though one of my kids has light special needs, I still lucked out in the luck department, and I know it. My DH in particular is the dream I never thought would come true, and I'm thankful to my core for him - that he exists, that his core being is a good and golden as it is, that he works so hard and loves me and our kids so deeply.

I'm working hard to get past my GDe separate and apart of HT. Why? Because I need a backup. Because it well may not work.

But even if it works, if I haven't addressed the real reasons for my unhappiness (see my next blog post), then I'll have lost time on becoming the happy, mind-healthy person I want to be.

Now before I hear from someone, like I did on IG (and boy did that hurt), that the only reason I could say what I did was because I still have hope from HT....that may well be true. In fact, I believe 75% that it's true. But that doesn't stop me from trying to be healthy and really look hard at my mind, my thoughts, my prejudices, and try to DO something about them besides HT.

HT will not fix my life either way. Only I can do that. (I believe that....90% :) ).

Updated April 19th, 2014 at 04:47 PM by ocean

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Comments

  1. Mulberry Smurf's Avatar
    Good luck with your high tech journey and with your personal journey. Whoever made that comment may have highlighted something that was already present in your mind but probably came from the depths of their own despair too. Gd is very cruel and can definitely manipulate how you view the world. You sound like you have built up some healthy defences against those low feelings though. Take care and best wishes for the future, the one with or without your dg xxx
  2. LilithWiser1979's Avatar
    There are women who have no chances left that have been told horrible things (often by women who got their DG or by women who have plenty of chances left) on IG and in RL that make them feel like their pain is being minimized. It sucks. When they are at their lowest point, being told by a woman with a PP that having their DG really won't make a difference is like getting sucker punched, and being cheerfully told that life is still good by women who have another chance isn't much better.

    It isn't personal. It has nothing to do with you and your GD. It has to do with their lack of empathy. I hope everyone with GD gets their DG, and that everyone who has been in the trenches of GD with us can sympathize and be kind to those still dealing with it.

    I agree with your assessment. If those elements of society weren't present, my GD would diminish enough to be manageable.
  3. Orchidia's Avatar
    I just had the same thoughts today: if I lived in a world of no triggers of GD (bubble, desert island, world where all kids are boys!), my GDe would be 90% gone. It's having no control over the triggers and how I react to them that makes GD so hard. It's not like I was envying billionaires that I never come into contact with. I envy something that half the population has and that is ***everywhere*** as a daily reminder. If HT doesn't doesn't work for us, I may try hypnotherapy to try to "brainwash" me out of those reactions of sasness and jealousy and feeling inferior when in contact with little girls and their parents.