ocean

My core unhappiness isn't coming from GDesire...

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My core unhappiness does not come from GDesire, as much as I thought such a year ago. Thinking that just gave my mind an easy scapegoat for everything that was wrong in my life. I thought the only reason my life didn't fit my 'blueprint story' (thanks NBP for citing below( was because of GDesire.

[url]http://genderdreaming.com/forum/gender-desire/41456-husband-hating-2.html[/url]

But sort of as atomic said, I know that huge reasons I've been/am unhappy are other things than not having my DG. Including: 1) I'm in the wrong job for me, and have been for a long time, 2) I live in the wrong place for me, likewise for a long time, 3) I care too much about what people think...which is actually what my mind distortedly THINKS they think.

I'm doing a lot of scary things right now to change all of the above. I know I'm on on a better path, but boy can change be terrifying. I'm making studied, decently calculated leaps but they're still leaps over the chasm of the unknown, and normally I'm the worlds biggest anti-risk-taker. Which is just how I got into this position in the first place.

Oh future me, if only you could reach back and douse me with confidence that I'm doing the right thing. I have to believe it's right or I couldn't do what I'm doing.

My life could look very very different in a couple years. HT completely notwithstanding. Hope I look back on this blog post and remember how I was scared but hopeful. And that I'm sure I waited too long as it is to make the changes I'm trying to make now. But at least I'm making them. I won't look back a year from now with regret that I was too fearful of change to get back to the blueprint I felt was right for me.

To be clear, though I know GDesire isn't the source of all my unhappiness, that doesn't mean I'm even close to cured. I'd say therapy-wise I'm 30% of the way there. I have a lot of work to do.

But having a counter to my automatic thought of "I'm unhappy because I don't have a daughter" -- that alone is valuable, and something I need to keep repeating to myself. And I'm trying to change the things I"m unhappy about - and I (should) be proud of myself for that, no matter when or if I get there.

Updated April 19th, 2014 at 04:45 PM by ocean

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  1. Mulberry Smurf's Avatar
    Change is pretty much always scary but I am glad you are feeling positive about the road ahead and wish you luck on your new adventures. With regards to your daughter I think it's worth noting that even when you have her you may still need to work through issues surrounding the gd so try to prepare yourself in some way for that. I remember when my husband was very sick my close friend told me that I was dealing with it all well whilst things were happening but when I would be at my lowest was once things were improving for him health wise as that's when the calmness would allow me to take stock of what had happened along the way. He still isn't fully better but I now know what she meant. Sometimes you can keep chugging along down a route and as you make progress you don't stop to consider how your mental health is being impacted upon but once you get to the destination it hits you full force just how much you've been through to get there. I hope that makes sense. Hugs xx
  2. 3boyswantagirl's Avatar
    Wow, it takes courage to look at things straight on recognize our short comings. I applaud your honesty with yourself, it's very hard to do and not very many people are able to recognize and take responsibility for their current situation. You go girl! I know making changes can be so hard but you're on the right path and that's awesome. Take each day one step at a time and be gentle with yourself, you're worth it!