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My core unhappiness isn't coming from GDesire...
by
, April 19th, 2014 at 11:01 AM (1079 Views)
My core unhappiness does not come from GDesire, as much as I thought such a year ago. Thinking that just gave my mind an easy scapegoat for everything that was wrong in my life. I thought the only reason my life didn't fit my 'blueprint story' (thanks NBP for citing below( was because of GDesire.
[url]http://genderdreaming.com/forum/gender-desire/41456-husband-hating-2.html[/url]
But sort of as atomic said, I know that huge reasons I've been/am unhappy are other things than not having my DG. Including: 1) I'm in the wrong job for me, and have been for a long time, 2) I live in the wrong place for me, likewise for a long time, 3) I care too much about what people think...which is actually what my mind distortedly THINKS they think.
I'm doing a lot of scary things right now to change all of the above. I know I'm on on a better path, but boy can change be terrifying. I'm making studied, decently calculated leaps but they're still leaps over the chasm of the unknown, and normally I'm the worlds biggest anti-risk-taker. Which is just how I got into this position in the first place.
Oh future me, if only you could reach back and douse me with confidence that I'm doing the right thing. I have to believe it's right or I couldn't do what I'm doing.
My life could look very very different in a couple years. HT completely notwithstanding. Hope I look back on this blog post and remember how I was scared but hopeful. And that I'm sure I waited too long as it is to make the changes I'm trying to make now. But at least I'm making them. I won't look back a year from now with regret that I was too fearful of change to get back to the blueprint I felt was right for me.
To be clear, though I know GDesire isn't the source of all my unhappiness, that doesn't mean I'm even close to cured. I'd say therapy-wise I'm 30% of the way there. I have a lot of work to do.
But having a counter to my automatic thought of "I'm unhappy because I don't have a daughter" -- that alone is valuable, and something I need to keep repeating to myself. And I'm trying to change the things I"m unhappy about - and I (should) be proud of myself for that, no matter when or if I get there.