ocean

Post FET - 5dp5dt - Keeping control for 1 more day

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ocean
, July 19th, 2014 at 10:02 AM (6491 Views)
[INDENT][/INDENT]Control. It's the thing we get so little of during HT. Lack of control and straight-up bad news are among the reasons it's so hard. Oh and hormone fluctuations, intramuscular shots, money....ok so there's more.

But lack of control - that's a biggie. Waiting for an af. Waiting for the next appt. Waiting for results. Waiting for lining to grow. Waiting for the days to pass.

There's a bit of control in my hands right now. 5dp5dt. HPTs are bought but planning not to use one until tomorrow. Beta on Tuesday.

It simply feels good to have control. It feels good to not be googling and obsessing (thank you jany for describing that so well). It feels good to enjoy my kids this morning and be actually present.

I have fear. In either direction, though obviously a lot more on one side. We get what we hope for, and our lives change. My career is affected. (To Jany's post - we have to be prepared to get what we want!)

We don't - and......there's where mind goes grey and hazy. I can't feel that yet. The obvious sadness. But more. I don't want to be there. I don't want to have to write the words.

I didn't do enough to prepare for the FET. I never got the nuts, I choked on the cayanne pepper, our pineapple froze. I tried not to pick up the baby but caved when it came to taking him out of the crib. I got 5 1/2-6 hrs sleep a night this week, a ton less than I need or normally get.

Putting it down now so my guilt is bare and I can move on. I have a stressful long-hours job, but I also just lack good self discipline. I could never have swayed well - that's at least one learning from this.

Big sigh. Feels like being on a precipice, the last day of (this) process. Which has its own little weird sadness, just for the process and excitement itself. Would not have predicted that.

Updated July 19th, 2014 at 12:32 PM by ocean

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  1. MatildaMai's Avatar
    Just read your sticky update. First - 6dp is early. There's still time. FETs sometimes take a little longer. And do try SMU a lot of us find it much more concentrated. Secondly, if it hasn't worked - anything you did (or didn't do) has no bearing on the outcome. IRL - when you conceived your boys you didn't go around eating cayenne pepper and pineapple core did you? They stick or they don't. They have enough metabolic energy to implant or they don't. Having a normal tested embie helps a lot but its not a guarantee. Nothing you can do can change that. I get the fear and the sadness and even anger. But try and let go of the guilt. Its hard to be a OHW. And HT is a crappy long journey for most of us. If it hasn't worked, allow yourself so time to be pissed, sad, all of that. And then get on with what you do best - planning the next step. MMx
  2. zibibbogirl's Avatar
    Perfectly said MM, perfectly said.
  3. 1+2+3boys's Avatar
    I am so hoping to hear of news of a BFP for you any day. Got my fingers all crossed for you. Goodluck goodluck goodluck!
  4. ocean's Avatar
    Mmx - That was EXACTLY what I needed someone to tell me. My anger on Sunday was all directed at myself. I'd picked the best NYS clinic, an amazing doctor, had the normal egg, and it didn't work, so it had to be something I did. Being so busy at work that I didn't prepare enough / eat the right foods / get enough sleep. Picking up my toddler several times. Not getting to acupuncture leading up to transfer, only after. etc etc etc

    After I take a pause, step by step is the way to go. Someday I'll get back there again.

    123 - thank you dear, but not to be this time...
  5. applerose's Avatar
    Ocean - I just read your post above and burst into tears. It captures so perfectly how I've been feeling on this rollercoaster.
    I honestly believe though that it's not something you did. At Sydney's Genea clinic - which is a world leader - 50% of PGD tested embryos do work, but 50% don't work. There's so much more to a baby than 23 chromosomes. As my Dr says: "We can see what it's made of chromosomally but we can't see what it's made of metabolically - and that's a huge part of the puzzle". Sometimes our precious little embies just don't have the energy, the metabolism - for whatever reason - to keep on thriving. Just one of those mystery things that totally sucks.
    I have read enough studies now that suggest heavy lifting has no impact, even stress often has no impact, to believe that those things have not been to blame in your case. I have a friend who trained with extreme heavy weights right through her concepton + early pregnancy - as well as carried around her one year old - and she fell pregnant without a hitch.
    It's just the random lottery of pregnancy.
    Please don't blame yourself. I'm quite sure it's nothing you did.
    Sending all the love in the world xxxx
  6. 1+2+3boys's Avatar
    Oh I'm so sorry to hear that, I can't imagine how you must be feeling. I'm so glad you have one more frozen XX, though it would have been great not to have to rely on that to take the pressure off. Hugs to you and goodluck for your future in getting your girl.
    I'll be following your journey
  7. ocean's Avatar
    Apple rose thank you so much. I'm going to have to read about this metabolic energy you and Mmx have talked about. I think that will help me. I like logic and and reason and science. Scientific studies all the better!

    Getting the beta was hard, even though I knew what it would be. Another wave of grief. Which I know will happen again, just with less intensity.

    Now, a couple days later, I'm just focusing on work and am reading a good book and just trying to get back into my life. Which is helping me to let the guilt and self-blame fade away. I have to believe this happened as it was supposed to. (Though next time I'm taking time off from work and getting lots of sleep! :) )