ocean

Stepping off the HT train

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It honestly feels like stepping off a train. Waving goodbye to the people who are continuing on, some of whom you got into deep conversation with along the way. Their conversations resume, their heads bend together again, while you turn and wheel your suitcase away from the platform and through the station.

Now that suitcase has some pretty important cargo, and I know someday I'll be back, and some of those very same voices will smile and hug me back onto the train. But for now, I still have to go, the pain is too raw, and I can't stay on the platform forever.

I don't feel strong today. I feel sad and really down. Being pulled into the whirlwind of pregnancy would've had its obvious excitement, on multiple levels. And it would've directed other decisions in our lives. I am exhausted by the decisions I've made and unmade in the past year and it would've been nice to have one wonderful, blissful thing around which other things were determined.

Whereas now it's just...'after'. And today is just a 'normal' day.

I'm really doing well to avoid triggers, which is helping. Even when I get sad, I go nowhere near facebook. I'm keeping my eyes on my own kids. Somehow I've had to be part of 3 different kid-gender-related conversations in the past few days, but they didn't pierce my heart, they just kind of dented the skin and moved on.

I am balancing two different feelings at the exact same time. The obvious sadness of loss, feelings of 'why wasn't it me', and of regret. It would've been pretty nice to not be in the 30-40%? day 5 tested failure camp. But also an underlying feeling that somehow this path was supposed to happen. I do know my heart wants to protect itself by believing this - and that's ok with me. I feel how I feel.

Part of the pain is that I am reminded, every time I come on this site, how much of my married life I've lost to GDe.

“The price of anything is the amount of life you exchange for it.” - Henry David Thoreau

And by that measure, GDe has cost me very, very dearly. Time I could've spent building memories to treasure. Time for my kids. Time for writing, or reading, or just being content. Time to produce anything of any value at all.

When I get like this it means I need to spend more time and effort on my CB therapy. It's really been helping but it can help me more.

I can not let this sadness further ruin this day, this week. For me, and my family, I really need to try to bounce back a little more each day. My beautiful, beautiful baby just woke up, came out, and gave me the biggest grin. Take deep breaths. Love. Smile. Play. Count my blessings over and over. Tomorrow should be better. It almost always is.

Updated July 26th, 2014 at 07:52 PM by ocean

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Comments

  1. coralsky's Avatar
    Ocean, reading this just brought me to tears...
    I admire your strength and way of looking at life sooooo much.
    Huge hugs my friend, we will all be here when you get back on the train :heart: xxxx
  2. Kittybear's Avatar
    Beautiful words that resonate so strongly with me... Take as long as you need away from this crazy roller coaster. I, for 1, am sure that I will still be here to welcome you back when (if) you return. Enjoy your beautiful family x x x
  3. crazydesperatelady's Avatar
    "And by that measure, GDe has cost me very, very dearly. Time I could've spent building memories to treasure. Time for my kids. Time for writing, or reading, or just being content. Time to produce anything of any value at all."

    THIS! This is what I hate about GD. So all consuming and such a waste of time, of life. I see people literally LIVING on this and similar boards for years. If we only knew how to end this obsession.
  4. LilithWiser1979's Avatar
    I completely understand, and I'm so sorry! Sometimes we need to take a step back to start healing, and you need to take time for your grief and your family. Good luck, and I hope to see you back.
  5. luckyfourleafclover's Avatar
    oh Ocean - I admire you so much and you write so beautifully, in a way that expresses my own thoughts before I even think them coherently.

    I wish I could step off the train like you, but I will definitely be here when you step back on.
  6. Petal's Avatar
    Ocean, you are such a strong lady, your words are so heartfelt, I wish you nothing but the best for the future and will be here for you when you decide to jump back on board, hugs to you x
  7. Pink rose 76's Avatar
    Oh ocean you've made me cry. So beautifully written and so true. This journey is all consuming and i can't believe how much time I have put into it but then I have have met some luvly people on the way.

    I wish you all the best with for you and your family's future. Pink xxx
  8. monkeysnuffer's Avatar
    I have no experience with HT, but this made me cry too. It is sad that so many women are suffering. I hope everyone finds their peace.
  9. emmake's Avatar
    Ocean, thanks again for sharing your feelings expressed in such a beautiful way. You have an amazing capacity to write beautifully what other girls here have on their minds. Thanks for begin our 'spokesman' or 'spokeslady', not sure if it's a correct word in English.

    I want to see you on the 'train' again soon or whenever you feel ready for stepping back. This process is so overwhelming and consuming and takes the largest part of our lives. I want to be able to live my live without constantly thinking of my DD desire, but I cannot. I'm such a weak person but I'm happy to be on the same train with such ladies as you. Big hugs xxx