Due dec'14-jan/feb'15 part 2

[kitkat18]

Marika congrats on a beautiful boy , im sooo glad your mum was over the moon just to hear the baby was healthy nice to have that reaction from immediate family! Your third little lad will be so special. You did a great sway but this guy was meant to be big hugs Xx
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[Marika]

Thanks ladies for your supportive words!

I am sad to say I have reacted more and worse than I thought. Last night I felt really really down and I haven't found piece in the thought of never having the daughter. I know I probably need some time, but I have immediately also started grieving the last loss again that was a confirmed girl and ask myself WHY it had to be her and why I couldn't get a girl again.

Someone asked if it was last baby and it probably is. If DH would have chosen it would have been enough with two. When he sees me now he says he doesn't completely lock the door and throw the key away, but he doesnt wanna dicsuss it either. He says we need to focus on me getting back on track for this baby and he is absolutely right in that. This baby deserves to be as welcome as a daughter of course, and I am 100% sure he will, I am just not there right now.

[daisymoo]

Huge congrats Futureminime and Marika on your confirmed genders! Marika I am a mom of 3 boys and I have said this before that it's truly brilliant My boys play with each other all day and they really do have a great bond And you never know what's down the line for you We were done at 2 kids and then number 3 came along as a little surprise I thought we were done at 3 but after 2 years we changed our minds again! So enjoy your 3 little men They really will bring some fun into your house!
Futureminime I'm delighted for you too Such wonderful news I hope you're enjoying it sinking in! Did you go shopping yet? I went and bought a good few things last weekend and I still feel I'm buying for someone else It's so strange!!


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[Marika]

Thanks Daisymoo, it's really good to hear several of you finding it so lovely to have three boys. And I am sure I will too.

I have to say I got a bit shocked by my own reaction (since I sincerely felt a healthy baby being most important until now) and have spent the day trying to sort out my feelings. I had a long talk to my mother who is a counselor/therapist at the womens clinic at a hospital (where she meets LOTS of pregnant women) and I was totally honest with my feelings. I said it was like someone died, and her reply was that someone actually did. She believes I haven't processed what happened in january and I agree. I focused directly on ttc and my goal was to get pregnant with a girl again. I kept my hopes up I guess and now when it turned out not to be the lost daughter, I lost her for real.

This afternoon I went to the memorial park where I know the hospital put the ashes of the lost baby. This was the first time I went there, I just couldn't do it before but I guess I really need to start processing it for real. I think thats the only way to actually get through that and get back on track with this baby.

Sorry for being a bit OT and personal (maybe this belongs in some other part of the forum) but it's a bit relieving to write about it since I haven't been very open about it IRL.

[daisymoo]

Marika I'm sending you huge hugs x That is a really tough thing to have to go through and what your mother has said really makes a lot of sense I think you are very lucky to have such a great mother and I hope you can find peace with your loss from January and move forward now and really start enjoying your pregnancy Look after yourself xx


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[FutureMiniMe]

Oh, Marika! It must be difficult to be going through this right now! I am also sending you lots of hugs.

Daisymoo - I have not bought anything yet but I have started peeking at girl things at work. I get paid tomorrow and really want to pick a little something up. I don;t think I will go crazy with the pink yet though. I want to make sure I see pink again at my anatomy scan on October.

I have been having horrible issues sleeping lately. I go to bed pretty early and keep waking up way too early in the morning (like 2 and 3am) then not being able to fall back asleep. I am a horrible sleeper anyways, but this is awful!

[kitkat18]

Marika we are here for you! I totally understand it must be so hard to have lost a daughter. Im so pleased you have your mum to talk to she sounds like an amazing women with great advice and counseling. I would keep opening up to her and working through your grief. Lots of hugs and please be open that is why this forum exists!! I spent so long pretending I didn't have GD with my second it only made it worse. Big hugs X
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[castch]

Marika my thoughts are with you.
I can totally understand your feelings and I am very happy for you that you have such a great mother who supports you and here is the right place where you can share your feelings. After two boys I lost a daughter last October and then focussed right away on the New project. I am so sure that I would have gone through the same process you are going through if it would have been another boy. Sure it is the Most important that you find out that you will have a healthy baby but after two lovely boys it is so understandable that you were wishing for a daughter. Take your time for your grief and don't feel guilty for your feelings.... Hugs...

[sweetdream]

Marika you're alowed to morn the loss of your daughter. You had her. Its so hard.
I never lost a daughter but thought I had to morn the idea of ever holding her when I heard I was expecting ds 3. We said 3 is the limit too. DH opend the door just a little then and there.
I started to see the part were I was gaining a beautifull boy again. And just the peek of hope still being there made me enjoy again.
And there came lots of times were I really felt it Could be enough.

When I learned about swaying we wanted to give ourself a shot at a daughter. (6months we were gonna try) here we are and we are team green still. Because I know how you feel and that hurts.
The worst part is, that it has nothing and nothing to do with that beautifull lovely baby boy inside of you. You know you will love him to the moon and back.
If only you knew she would be with you in the future it would be enough. That not knowing, and knowing you were close that's a loss and you may grieve.

Your boy is your joy and gain. But the pain is harder at this point. It will heal a bit once you have him to cuddle to care for. But give yourself Some space right now to grieve.

Big Hugs!!!

[Marika]

Thank you so much ladies for support and for sharing your stories.

Castch - I am sorry to hear about your loss but happy you ended up with a girl again!

Yes, my mother can be great and she really has been supportive now. I am not always this open to her (I usually don't want her analyzing me) but I quickly realized this was more complicated than I thought and I can't stand feeling all this sorrow when I should be over he moon for a healthy baby. I have decided to see a therapist at the hospital where I was i january. They offered me that back then but I said no thanks, I just wanted to move on in my own way. I called back yesterday though and said I think I might need it.

I know the process has many steps and I am in the chaotic beginning phase of crying now, but I think some good guidance in sorting the emotions out and putting words on them can stop me from getting stuck in it. I know there is a profound love for the baby growing, but it's kind of shadowed right now. Hopefully everything will feel better in a few weeks or months, at least I wish I'll be at peace by the time our little baby arrives.