Where do I go now?

[2boysJustOneGirl]

Every month as PMS sets in I can't help but take a few steps back. Just after the feel good hormones of ovulation hit I talk myself into TCC and begin praying for my girl. And then those few precious days pass and doubt settles in again. Doubt about which route to take, where to go from here. Do I accept my fate as a boy mom? Do I dare sway for my girl and pray the Gods are gentle with me? Or do I prepare for financial burden and ride the HT dragon with a certain uncertainty?
How to proceed? My DS2 is 10 months old. He and his brother are 21 months apart. If I did conceive now I would be reliving the hard days I just went through with babies so close together. I am 33. I feel like time is ticking, like I cannot live another moment without my baby girl, like I have wasted so many hours already grieving and breaking bit by bit. I just want her. I am tired of waiting!

Needless to say ladies, the low times can be pretty bad can't they? One day at a time I suppose. I am going back to work soon and I am hoping that will provide enough distraction from all this shit. I am sick to death of what GD has taken from me and I honestly hate myself sometimes for allowing myself to fall into this.

Anyway just a rant sesh. 😩I could use some advice ladies.


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[jmomof3girls]

If you could afford HT I would go for it.

[Dana-Alicia]

I feel exactly the same, unfortunately. Some day's I just think flip it, I'm doing this now, lets just do it and make this baby already and pray for a girl. But then i get scared and imagine my life with 3 boys and no girl (my DH doesn't want more kids but says yes to ONE more to shut me up lol) and I know I will be gutted. I would love a third boy just as much as I love my first two. Cause to be honest, I make freaking awesome and handsome kids if I may say so myself But I just want my little girl and I want her now. Not next year or even in 2 years, now!! But we decided on the HT route and we need to save up. I'm 30 now, time is ticking for HT, but I just don't have another option. I won't put my family in more debt because of my selfish desire to have a girl (DH and I both have huge studyloans) so I will work hard and save up for it. And hope and pray it will work for us. I can't even begin to think about the moment if it doesn't work, as it's a real possibility. I wish we could quickly take a peek into the future and see what's in store for us. If we just knew she was definitely coming, I'm sure we would be alright now. So sometimes I allow myself to daydream and assure myself she is coming. It helps me cope. But not always, especially in those nasty PMS days. That's why this forum is so great, venting really does help. Good luck mama, I hope you get your little girl soon!

[2boysJustOneGirl]

The thing about HT is we would have to travel almost 2000 miles to get to the closest place that does PGD. We live in northern Canada. If we lived closer I would be certainly be leaning more this way. The cost of the procedure is only a part of the financial burden we would endure. And if I needed more than one cycle...OMG I cannot imagine the stress of time away from home and work, let alone the cost of travel back and forth. We might as well live in Australia!

Thanks Dana Alicia. Misery loves company and I am so glad I found company here. It's a disappointment I never imagined possible when we started our family. I always said I didn't care what gender I had until I found out DS2 was a boy...since then my marriage and my emotional well-being has suffered so much. My husband is so supportive, I don't know if other men would tolerate my depression and I try to remember that as I hit bottom, again.


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[MatildaMai]

I have some advice for you. Don't let go of your dream. 33 is not old. In the IVF world its like being a teenager! I actually live in Australia and yes there is the stress and added cost of travel but its totally manageable. It really is. A lot of people make the first trip a holiday with the kids and DH leaves a sample in case its needed for a future cycle so DH never needs to go back. For me the stress of a sway and waiting to see if it works - would be harder to cope with.

I know how tired you are of waiting. God I was too. But try to enjoy your little ones now. HT will still be there in a couple of years. There have been so many amazing advances in the last couple of years with PGD and freezing that success rates are fantastic. And in a couple more years I'd hope it will be even better and perhaps more affordable. But in the meantime save like crazy! Adding another baby when your boys are 3 and 5 will be tonnes easier. My twin boys were 4.5yo when my DD eventually arrived (I started my HT journey when they were 1). And its been the best thing ever. They were at 4yo kinder and then school so it was a lot easier than having them all at home.

Also a supportive DH is half the battle. I had such a hard time convincing DH to have another as I was in my late 30s. And these last 2yrs - the 1st 2yrs of my DDs life - have been tough. But the minute she was born the monster that is GD disappeared. And it was worth everything. Even the risk to my marriage to pursue it. Good luck MMx

[Jany1025]

I agree, 33 is like 22 in IVF!! I had my HT DD at 41 (using own eggs)... Your post struck a nerve, GD is absolute torture, I just could not even fathom going the rest of my life in this state of mind! Horrible!! My heart goes out to you.. I always said I would live in a cardboard box if I had to just to get her!! DH and I worked 6-7 days a week for over 3 years to cycle so much, it took me longer because I needed to avoid a genetic condition so half of my embryos would be affected hence not usable...

Do you what you have to, to try and make it happen.. yes sometimes dreams do come true!!

[2boysJustOneGirl]

Thanks ladies. I really appreciate your advice. I am completely confused and so undecided about everything. I think maybe the best thing I can do right now is wait. Just wait. Perhaps when the timing is right I will know what the right thing to do is. For now, maybe my inability to make a choice about this is leading me away from a bad decision???

I really hate that this has consumed so much of me and changed who I am forever. It's affected my relationships with other mothers, my husband and my kids. I hate who I have become and I want this to be over! I can't even speak to my sister anymore because she has two girls (and a boy). I have to distance myself from her and others because it's just too painful and not to mention I hate them! They got their girls and didn't have to suffer through any of this emotional chaos and I cannot stand to be around "those" moms.


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[1+2+3boys]

I can so relate 2boysjust1girl and Dana-Alicia. DP has agreed to HT. I need for this to work which is why I am not swaying and I know with how busy that I am now that I can not handle more then one more and I can't even imagine how much extra work 4 kids would be and then still not having my GD cured. It would make the hard times sooooo much harder.
I have to save for it. We live in NZ which is even further than Australia! I am praying by the time we can do it that Australia lifts the ban but I doubt it. Still posible though and that would make things 100 times easier.

Deciding to do HT brought me some peace but it is still hard. I want my girl now. Why can't I just have gotten her and my life would be so much easier? It makes me mad how others just got it so easily. I will have to wait at least two years, maybe more. I am lucky being only 26 so I feel like I may get lucky first cycle but I may not and even if it does it is still so much money we will have to save and right now we are at zero. From what I have read though, it is so worth waiting for. I just try to focus on what I have now and that it will be nice to have a break before I get so busy with another child.

[monkeysnuffer]

I agree. If you have the means to persue this dream, I would go for it! Good luck

[BrightSky]

Who knows what the future holds, she very well maybe there waiting for you! I sometimes get really down too thinking I will never have a DD, but try to remember that we live in a day and age where science can give us certainty on gender. Enjoy your little boys, save like crazy and don't let go of your dream!