Feeling so negative

[2boysJustOneGirl]

I have no feelings of hope these days. I am so down- I feel like maybe we made a wrong decision and I am so so not coming to terms with the thought of possibly another boy. And if this is a boy he will be born around DS2 bday, making him less significant to my family and friends. It's normal to have feelings of doubt but at the end of this all, how will I cope?


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[Adia]

One day at a time honey, sometimes we have to break it down to one minute at a time.

Hang in there. Distract yourself somehow, time will pass faster that way.

I got divorced young and I was having a really hard time with haunting memories and details of the divorce, etc. I was being adjusted by my chiropractor who was also a holistic healer. He was so kind and said to me, "you know, those memories that haunt you are just synapses in your brain firing over and over again, you can put them to rest and make other synapses fire off instead of those." Odd advice, but I took it and i have worked hard since then to not let things haunt me in my head.

Take time, wallow in a little misery now and then, but make it a set amount of time, not all day every day, and then force yourself to find something else to fill your mind.

I do know how hard it is to wait, and worry, especially after a loss.

Big hugs mama. You never know what is down the road!

[True Blue]

Hugs mama we all know those feelings so well but there is hope and as an opposite mom I can vouch that you do cope and a little opposite would bring more happiness than you ever thought possible

[2boysJustOneGirl]

Thanks for the lift up! Days are long when I am home alone with the kids and the synapses do get stuck. I often wonder if these thoughts can cause permanent damage- and I wonder how I can stop them!
Tips Adia?


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[Adia]

Its hard to engage in anything too mentally occupying when you have kids around. It just becomes too challenging.

How about working your way through a cookbook? Or making a schedule for something that is just for you, like visiting the library or playdates with friends. ....learning how to knit, crochet, sew, make jewelry, clay crafts, refinishing furniture...youtube is incredible for some of those things.

I even had a hard time reading books at times when my kids were small. I tried picking out things i really wanted to improve on like bread making or dehydrating food or sewing cloth diapers. Don't think it was always a smashing success, because it wasn't, but it was a great distraction!

While you are thinking something up it will be a great distraction!!!

[atomic sagebrush]

It doesn't make him less significant if they have close birthdays, I have two with close birthdays and it just adds to the fun.

Try to remember, in the grand scheme of things, although this feels like the biggest thing in the universe, your baby's gender is NOT the type of thing that should leave you totally hopeless and unable to cope (I know you're using a bit of hyperbole but still). Rephrase it in your mind to keep it in perspective - whenever you feel yourself using language that exaggerates it beyond what it really is. IT's not literally the worst thing that ever happened, nobody died, and in the words of John Mayer it is "tiny tragedy". I think a lot of the worst of the worst feelings come from our self-talk and one thing you can actively do is focus on changing that when you catch yourself doing it.

[2boysJustOneGirl]

Thanks for your replies Adia and atomic. One thing is for sure, I tend to get completely wrapped up in bad thoughts and despair, leaving me unable to see the big picture. I am working on changing (and stopping) these thoughts- it's easier to just ignore them and forget how much this all truly hurts. Your words really helped me do this and I will be making reference to this post when gloom sets in.

It may not actually be death or a major tragedy to have an opposite but it is still big and living without a girl of my own is unimaginable to me. Which is why DH has said that HT will be our next step- I can't help but wonder if it should have been this step as being back in this same space as I just was with my loss is very hard on my heart. Knowing that I had a girl last time and lost her is the worst scenario-EVER. I wish I hadn't done the gender testing...it just makes me partly believe that we can't make a viable daughter. I know that's not true but it's still creeps in. Anyway I need to shut it off. Right?!?

Thanks again. Where would I be without you all?



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[atomic sagebrush]

I do get it, I really do. My point is, telling yourself things like it is unimaginable...doesn't get you to a point where you can imagine it, KWIM?

And (atomic tough love warning) in no way trying to diminsh your loss in any way, shape or form...there are worse things that have happened to people right here on the site and as my husband always says, "You could have all the problems you do right now, only you're living in Warsaw in 1938", YK? And there is truth in that. Indulging in the hyperbole doesn't help YOU. It makes you feel worse, not better. In order to feel better where you are here and now, you have to nip it in the bud and just not let yourself go there, because it gives the voices in your head more power than they ought to have.

[Claire33]

Sweetheart, I really really hope that this is a girl. You've experienced the loss of a daughter, which will make it extra difficult if this is a boy. But believe me, you WILL cope if it is a boy. I never ever thought I'd be sitting here with 3 boys, if I rewind to my 20-year old self, my dream family was GG or GB. Never ever BBB! It seemed like a nightmare to me. But, apart from the days of gender disappointment after my U/S, my life is fine. We laugh, hug, play, get kids dressed, feed them, love them. Regardless of their gender. Usually I don't think of their gender, they are just my kids. And if it is a boy, you will be ok, let yourself be sad, then pick yourself up and walk on and love those kids like only their mommy can.

Again, all my fingers are crossed for you that this is a girl. But know that you will be ok if it isn't.