IF + GD = special form of hell

[Adia]

If that counselor is worth a snitch, she'll listen and be sympathetic no matter what her stance is. Infertility is infertility and if she is going to make money from helping others through it, she should empathize with your plight. Sure, she has seen much worse cases, but that is not your reality.

Respect that what you are going through is HARD, no matter what others go through. You are you, and not them. Hard concept but one I have had to work on over the years. My mom is the most UNsympathetic mother around and it has taken some serious focus to validate myself and my struggles after being told for years "you don't have the corner on pain and suffering". Maybe I don't, but my heartache is still heartache and that alone is valid!!!

And awesome doctor! I had one like that years ago. A lot of people complained about her but I loved her. In the end, the guy everyone loved over her was convicted of many sexual crimes against women using his position as a doctor to get away with them. Totally unrelated to your story, but just because common opinion doesn't make a doctor shine doesn't mean anything. You know what you are dealing with and you have found a gem! Count that as a blessing!!

[LacePrincess]

Very wise words Adia, from someone who has clearly been through the trenches. Thank you so so much.

I've started to spot and I just canNOT believe how broken my body is. Today will be lots of wine, sushi, and tears. ( Shit. Though I am excited about getting going with the Femara.

I feel really great about our new RE but one thing that worries me is that if we go IVF, I feel like Cdn clinics just don't measure up to the US ones in terms of aggressive protocols and new technology. So while I really like our RE if we had to move onto IVF I'm worried we'll have to leave our clinic to have a better chance in the States, and also to have a shot at PGS/GS again....which means having to shop for a new RE in the US all over again and that makes me want to hurl. One step at a time I know.

I'm sure I'm worrying over nothing about the counselor. Everyone seems to think she's wonderful so I'm sure it'll be fine. I can't deny my GD being a huge part of my issues anymore, it's been there since DS1 and over the last decade has only gotten worse and worse. I have to deal with it so it's not like a cancer just destroying me for the rest of my life.

[Kittybear]

Oh Hun, I wish I had some magic words of wisdom to share, but there are none just know that I too hate that GD bitch and wish more than anything that it would leave me the frack alone! I'm really so sorry to hear about your infertility problems too; I can only image how much worse that must make things sending you (((hugs))) from over the pond xxx

[LacePrincess]

Oh Hun, I wish I had some magic words of wisdom to share, but there are none just know that I too hate that GD bitch and wish more than anything that it would leave me the frack alone! I'm really so sorry to hear about your infertility problems too; I can only image how much worse that must make things sending you (((hugs))) from over the pond xxx

Thank you so much Kittybear. Actually you've already said exactly what helps, that you're listening to my rants and that already helps so much.

It really does feel like having the whole infertility issue in there has just exponentially exacerbated the GD. Before I'd always assumed that, well, even if it took awhile we knew we could always try again.....but now having to think about maybe not ever being able to conceive again at all - I feel just staggering disbelief and shock more than anything else. I never ever thought I'd be a 'real' IF patient. It's a real shock to the system.

It's also hard because I can never talk about any of this in the IF groups in RL. So it always feels like I have to hide my GD and it just feels like a dirty secret festering away inside, which surely can't be healthy!

[Claire33]

I'm so sorry you are struggling with this. I have also always said I would never use an egg donor, but after several of my friends have used an egg donor, I see thing differently now. I would use a donor if that was my only way of having a girl. It would of course be expensive, but you would have a much higher rate of success with PGD. I'm just throwing this out there, as many people have to challenge their own boundaries when they find out that things aren't going their way "naturally". I'm pretty sure than nobody, including the parents, consider their egg donor children any less their children. Good luck!

[LacePrincess]

Yeah I really gotta learn never to say 'never', LMAO. After talking with DH we realized that if it was our only hope, yes we'd go donor. Probably donor embryos because donor eggs are staggeringly expensive, there's no way we could afford $20k+ just for the egg part.

We'd be open to infant adoption too but adoption is a whole 'nother ball of scary!

[Claire33]

I agree, infant/regular adoption is a totally different ball game from embryo adoption. With embryo adoption you get to adopt embryos from most likely parents with some degree success/normailty in life (since they can afford IVF), and you get to determine how healthy your own pregnancy is. If you go for infant adoption, you don't know what kind of parents or pregnancy the baby has had (drugs, alcohol, psychiatric disorders etc). Even though of course adoption is a wonderful thing, but one has to be prepared for potentially a baby with issues, plus that you never know when an infant will be available for adoption or the birth mother changes her mind etc. I don't mean to offend anyone who has adopted, as I think adoption is a great thing!

[Dana-Alicia]

So sorry you are struggling with infertility, I can not imagine how hard that must be I really hope you can make your dream come true via a donorembryo. Best of pink luck to you mama!

[LacePrincess]

I agree, infant/regular adoption is a totally different ball game from embryo adoption. With embryo adoption you get to adopt embryos from most likely parents with some degree success/normailty in life (since they can afford IVF), and you get to determine how healthy your own pregnancy is. If you go for infant adoption, you don't know what kind of parents or pregnancy the baby has had (drugs, alcohol, psychiatric disorders etc). Even though of course adoption is a wonderful thing, but one has to be prepared for potentially a baby with issues, plus that you never know when an infant will be available for adoption or the birth mother changes her mind etc. I don't mean to offend anyone who has adopted, as I think adoption is a great thing!

That's it EXACTLY. I am terrified of how much could be wrong but invisible yk? I'm so paranoid myself that I never touched a drop of alcohol, or ate sushi or brie, or heck even had a softboiled egg in my pregnancies. There's so much that could be wrong and I have to be honest, I have limits to what I can handle.

The other thing is in Ont the adoption system is SO broken. People spend years applying, qualifying, etc etc and get stuck in all the red tape. So many horror stories. Apparently in ALL of last year, Ont adopted a grand total of - no kidding - 40 infants. FORTY. That's insane. It's not for lack of need, it's because of the bureaucracy. Truly horrifying.

I haven't read too much into donor embryos but that's probably our only bet if my eggs fail us. Still pretty complicated as we'd have to get them in the US. I'm not sure if it's possible to have them transferred into Canada for the actual ET though, which would be easier. Of course that's really thinking WAY too far ahead, LOL. But that would be something I would be okay with if we could afford it.

[Jany1025]

I agree, infant/regular adoption is a totally different ball game from embryo adoption. With embryo adoption you get to adopt embryos from most likely parents with some degree success/normailty in life (since they can afford IVF), and you get to determine how healthy your own pregnancy is. If you go for infant adoption, you don't know what kind of parents or pregnancy the baby has had (drugs, alcohol, psychiatric disorders etc). Even though of course adoption is a wonderful thing, but one has to be prepared for potentially a baby with issues, plus that you never know when an infant will be available for adoption or the birth mother changes her mind etc. I don't mean to offend anyone who has adopted, as I think adoption is a great thing!

I feel the same exact way.

I absolutely love the idea of embryo adoption. I remember during one of my BFNs 2AM psychotic searches I saw that there was an embryo available at a clinic by a donor sperm and donor egg embryo made by Swedish woman and Japanese man. I thought heck I look Asian and DH is Irish American this would be a great match!

I pray that you get your DD one way or another!