IF + GD = special form of hell

[LacePrincess]

So now that we've had our initial consult with our RE, the reality that we're 'officially' infertile has hit home. And on top of that is still this godawful horrible GD that just WILL NOT GO AWAY.

No matter what I've tried in self-talk, reasoning, trying to change my thoughts and viewpoints, no matter how many of my blessings I count, no matter what bonding activities I do with my boys, I finally admit I cannot banish this damned monster. The GD bitterness is something I just can't rid myself of. It is this horrible yearning that is with me every damned day and only grows worse as we struggle to conceive again at all. I hate it so much.

Oh sure I say all the right things. Heck I could search my old posts here on GD and find lots of posts I wrote about how wonderful having 3 boys is. And it is! But it hasn't done a thing to abate the longing for a girl I have that seems to just eat me up inside. The fertility troubles we're having now is just making it so much worse. Because before I could say, well we'll just keep having kids till we get a girl is all....but now I have to face reality that having ANY more at all is going to be hard and probably expensive, if it's possible at all. So we also face having to compromise much of my sway to get preggo at all. It feels like giving up and it SUCKS.

And this week is especially hellish because my neighbour is due any day now. Everyday I get to see her and be bitterly jealous that she's preggo. And every day I'm just waiting for her to have the baby and it'll probably be another girl. I already HATED her so frigging much that she got her PP, and just watch she'll have another girl and it'll feel absolutely devastating when we can't get preggo at all.

I will be seeing an infertility counsellor next week, and I'll have to deal with not just my issues with my IF but also my GD. I'm terrified of being judged though. But I do need help because I don't know how to make peace with my feelings, and everyday it's just hurting so damned much.

[Summerstown]

Oh Lace, I am so so sorry. It is especially hard having someone so close to you being pregnant. You have had such a tough year. Would you consider adoption? Xxx

[nuthinbutpink]

I would just be an open book at this point. What do you have to lose?? What if you get pregnant with another boy? Is that going to be ok? Do you have insurance that would cover IVF for infertility purposes?

[atomic sagebrush]

I"m so sorry Lace. I wish I knew how to fix this for you.

[LacePrincess]

pink_bean - thank you for the support. It does mean a lot already to know when I'm crying and posting on the anonymous interwebs, that there are kind people out there actually listening. It helps just to feel less alone, so thank you!!


Summerstown - thank you for listening! For us no, adoption really isn't something for us. I do believe that adoption is a wonderful and very special thing, but it has to 'speak' to your heart, and for us it's just not something we yearn for ourselves. Our final final line would be IVF until it's useless, and we wouldn't do donor anything either because if we can't make another baby with our own genes, then we're done. We're a long way from having to close that door of course, but that would be it for us if it came down to that.


NBP - oh believe me at this point I don't care what gender we have! LOL I want desperately to have another child. But no matter what I do to try to convince myself, I'd be a lying liar liar if I didn't admit that deep down in the very bottom of my heart if I never have a girl I will always, always feel like a piece of my soul is missing. I've tried to kill that stupid desire since my very first pregnancy and it hasn't gone away. I don't think it ever will. I really hope counselling will help me deal with that.

When I see baby boys now, I feel nostalgic and a sweet longing to have another baby boy. So of course I'd adore the heck out of a boy! When I see baby girls or toddler girls though, omg the pain just makes it so I can't even breathe. I can barely look at them at all because it hurts SO damned much and all I can feel is jealousy so intense it borders on hatred. It's the ugliest thing ever. And it's nothing I can bring up at IF peer groups of course, so it's so danged isolating to have these horrible feelings too.

Unfortunately for us, no ivf is covered at all. IUI is pretty much fully covered by my provincial insurance, and I'm fortunate I have an excellent drug plan so all drugs would be covered at 90% with no cap, but the IVF procedure itself isn't covered at all. My plan, if low intervention fails us and we have to go HT again, is to look into clinics all over again and probably check out US ones again, maybe in the NY area. Maybe GS can come back onto the table but with a big caveat that just getting preggo, period, is the main priority. I have a lot to research and think about though.

[Adia]

Lace, big big hug to you. I am so sorry.

Infertility after having had 3 kids is insane. No one cares because "you already have 3 kids" and you KNOW your body can do it...but who the hell knows why it won't???

Can you seek some support from a counselor? It might help just take the edge off. You could bitch about your neighbor to a real person and get some empathy. That may be just enough to help you refocus.

Hang in there. Things will change with time, thank goodness!

[LacePrincess]

I"m so sorry Lace. I wish I knew how to fix this for you.

Oh gosh I wish too! Thank you though, so much, I really am so appreciative that you don't mind listening. I've always been subfertile so worrying about my fertility isn't new, but I've never felt quite so broken before. It really sucks. I'm just grateful that we did decide to start having kids young, because if I'd waited till my 30's who knows if we'd ever have had any at all.

[LacePrincess]

Lace, big big hug to you. I am so sorry.

Infertility after having had 3 kids is insane. No one cares because "you already have 3 kids" and you KNOW your body can do it...but who the hell knows why it won't???

Can you seek some support from a counselor? It might help just take the edge off. You could bitch about your neighbor to a real person and get some empathy. That may be just enough to help you refocus.

Hang in there. Things will change with time, thank goodness!

Adia - thank you!! That's it exactly - infertility after 3 kids really IS insane. And well, to like 99.99% of the people I know, 3 kids is already 'too many'. After that it's Duggarville so no one wants to hear about it and no one is sympathetic. They all just think I'm insane for wanting more.

I am seeing a counsellor on Tues - I realized too that I needed help! DH isn't much help since he has GD himself.

I am very very grateful that my RE has been VERY kind. He has 5 kids himself, lol, so he obviously likes piles of children too! And as my RE describes it, essentially we've always been subfertile. He suspects DH has always had iffy morphology, and our history for TTC is:

DS1 - 2 cycles
DS2 - 9 cycles
DS3 - 14 cycles

So it's been getting worse and worse over time anyways so really, it's not a huge shocker that at this point we're having infertility issues. My RE thinks that our fertility problems (DH's morphology plus my ovulation issues) made it harder and harder to get preggo and now they've worsened just enough that we can't get preggo on our own anymore. I'm really glad he's not sugarcoating it and because of my age he seems to want to go pretty aggressive, which works for me!

[Adia]

So glad you are seeing a counselor next week. Can't hurt, might help.

What a gem your RE is! I finally found a random family practitioner who helped me figure out my thyroid problem and them BAM! I got prego. He made a huge difference and when he said "we'll help you get prego" it made my heart sing!

Having a sympathetic medical support person can make all the difference.

Hang in there honey, this is so hard. Try and put it all on the back burner throughout the day when you can. Much easier said than done.

Big hugs!

[LacePrincess]

(((Adia)))) Thanks for the hugs.

I do feel happy with our RE. Mind you we've only seen him once, lol, but our initial impressions are very good. He spent over an hour with us at our consult and even empathized with our disastrous IVF experience last year, which I didn't expect. I've read his reviews and most complaints are things like him being very straightforward/no bullshit, and also he tends to assume you're knowledgeable and not explain basic things very well. Both of which I like! I don't want to be reassured and patronized, I need to know the reality and I LOVE medical practitioners that treat me like I know my body and am knowledgeable. I also appreciate that he didn't reassure us for the sake of reassuring us either. And being the head RE at our clinic I definitely think he's knowledgeable!

I'm looking forward to the counsellor too, I'm just scared about talking about GD since she's an infertility counselor and I always feel so 'greedy' complaining about GD.