My story.

[Serenity]

I have to say that I'm really flattered by all the compliments about my writing! Maybe I should be taking it more seriously than I have been. In addition to ADHD I have some perfectionistic tendencies, and these are actually quite useful when it comes to writing, because I am constantly editing what I write.

1+2+3 boys, thank you for sharing your story of healing from GD. That is really why I am on this site: because I want to heal this. I'm aware that it has the potential to do harm to my wonderful boys, by making them feel like they are not good enough for me. Of course as mothers we shield our kids from this as much as possible, but my kids pick up on everything...I want to be able to see and feel clearly, so I can clearly communicate to my boys how I actually feel about them, with nothing in the way.

I do think that my wanting a daughter is the most natural thing in the world. It's just so obvious and intuitive, you know? OF COURSE mothers want to have daughters. I also think that I may have taken this natural desire to an unhealthy place by allowing myself to become so focused on it. I'm not entitled to a daughter. No one ever promised me a daughter. Not everyone has daughters. I do think that a lot of moms of boys are able to feel this loss and move past it more gracefully than I am currently doing, and while I value this site so much for the support and understanding that is here, I also think that it is a bit of a one-sided conversation: those of us who have gotten a bit mired in this longing for a certain gender are here talking to and supporting each other, but maybe we are missing the perspective of those who have not felt this, and also, to some extent, the perspective of those who have felt this and found ways to move on. I think some of those other ladies have things to share with us that could heal us, as could fully allowing our own grieving. I think the trickiest thing about this is that it's not over until it's over, so it's a complicated grieving process. If you want to heal, you pretty much have to grieve something that you might conceivably still be able to have. It's the same kind of grieving you would have to do if a loved one inexplicably disappeared...maybe they'll come back, and maybe they won't, but you have to find a way to resolve your grief and live with the uncertainty of it all. Maybe it's worth it to go through this painful process, though, just to find peace. I think my solution will be to have one more child, if DH agrees, and then to be kind but firm with myself that THAT'S IT. No more waiting, no more trying. It's over, she's gone, and it's time to grieve her as much as I need and then to turn my face back to my children.

When I look at your picture, 1+2+3 boys, it looks GOOD. It looks GREAT. It is adorable, and I should be so lucky. Somewhere on this site I read the story of a lady who recovered from GD without having a girl. She writes, "I am a rich woman with many children, and the future will be bright." When I think about what a future with three boys looks like, it is bright. All that love, all those grandchildren!

If I am totally honest with myself, this problem I have cannot be solved by having a daughter. I lost my childhood, and it is not coming back. There is no fixing that. This is what I need to grieve first. The fact that I am terrified of people, and especially men, also cannot be solved by having a daughter. If I want to heal that, it means that I have to take the risk of trusting others, and trusting life again, the way I did before I was born. The way I did when I was wrapped in the love of God, and knew in every cell of my body that no matter what happened next, I was and will always be perfectly, wonderfully safe. Because there is so much more everywhere than can be seen or felt, and part of me knows this.

If I do have a daughter, is it right for me to meet her with the broken parts of myself held out to her in my hands? No, these are my broken children, and it is my job to love and heal them. Maybe I am my own lost daughter. I will take these broken children into my arms and into my heart. They will be safe with me.

My beautiful firstborn son, who is so connected to me and to God, lifted his shining angel face to me yesterday and said, "We are all rare, aren't we Mom? Every one of us is rare." And again, he healed me. I have not been unlucky to have my two boys. They are infinitely rare, and infinitely precious, and exactly right for me. My first son's name means 'Gift from God', and my second son's name means 'God saves'...I am ready to let God save me, and I refuse to any longer deny or devalue the gifts I have been given. My boys are not going to hurt me. They love me. I do not have to wait for a safe daughter to love me. I am home with my family, here and now.

I'm letting go. I was thinking of taking Femara or Clomid for my sway, and I'm going to do something brave. I'm not going to look for it or take it. I'm still going to go ahead with the rest of my sway as best as I can, to honor the part of me that wishes for a daughter, but I won't do anything that crosses any of my personal lines. If I'm lucky enough to have another baby, I'm going to celebrate him or her with all my heart. I'm choosing to trust that God knows what he's doing, no matter what.

Maybe my pain is a gift, too.

[momamia4]

Serenity, I am so very sorry for everything that you have been through. Know that I am thinking of you and hoping you get your Sara. <3

[Serenity]

And I hope all your dreams come true as well, momamia.

[Wantanother2017]

Serenity, I gasped as I read your post as it was like reading an entry into my own journal. We have very similar histories and very similar responses in our present lives. I too struggle with such anger and heartbrokenness to this day about the past. I also become very angry about what my sisters and I were forced to endure and the after effects that continue to pervade our lives as we search for normalcy after abuse.
It's so maddening to feel like your still drowning in a swirling ocean while others are parasailing in the same waters right next to you; totally unaffected. Never will they have to comprehend what you do, much less try to overcome it. Meanwhile they are spitting out my dream daughters left and right without a care in the world. And all I want is just one.
And after years of counseling I know that a huge part of my extreme desire is to partially correct the wrongs. To see her have the opportunities that were never imaginable for me as that little girl. To feel safe and loved. Spoiled even.
I do realize there is a very real possibility that even if I by some miracle did have a daughter one day that I would not be fixed. The mess of our histories would not be wiped away. But I can't let it go. I want it so badly.
Just know you're not alone.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[atomic sagebrush]

I just wanted to let you guys know that I have read this and will be back to answer at some point in time when I can do it justice.

[Serenity]

Hi Complex Emotions,

Thank you so much for sharing those statistics. They actually make me feel much better, I think because so much of this issue is tied in with my feelings of being cursed or particularly unlucky because of my childhood. Not getting the gender of baby I would prefer has felt, to me, like a continuation of very bad luck, whereas other women in the same circumstance would likely have a more realistic view of the situation.

I've been reading a lot of posts all over the internet written by mothers who have been able to let go of the idea of having a daughter - many of whom appear to have felt as strongly as most of us on this site still do. There is a lot of wisdom in these posts. One that particularly helped me was written by a mother who realized over time that what she most wanted and needed was someone to fill the role of 'daughter' in her life. She talked with an older, wiser woman with several sons who assured her that if that role was not filled by a female child, one or more of her sons would step in to fill it. It startled me to realize that this is already true in my family: my DS1 has formed a close, warm, nurturing relationship with me. We share many of the same likes and dislikes, and although of course as the adult, I am the main protector and nurturer, there is a particular type of healthy, bonded mutuality in our interactions that is very similar to what I would wish for a mother-daughter relationship to be like. We often go to the mall to watch movies together, and we "speak the same language" in many ways. I think that's why I've written about him so much in my posts here - despite being very male and boylike, he really IS my daughter in a lot of ways (now don't ever tell him I wrote that). I don't see him as feminine, and I would never try to put that on him, but in terms of the role itself? Yeah, he is that person to me.

Complex, I'm sorry that you don't think you can trust yourself to bond to another boy. As someone who has wished for and dreamed of a daughter almost my entire life, and now has two sons, I can tell you that if you have another boy, you WILL love him and you WILL bond with him, and you probably won't resent him for not being a girl, mostly because you will know that it's obviously not his fault. Trust me, you can't blame someone for existing when you're the one who brought them into the world, no matter how disappointed or pissed off you are about their gender.

When I was pregnant with DS2, I protected myself as best I could from GD by assuming right off the bat that he was a boy. I just did not allow myself to get my hopes up much about the possibility of having a girl...but of course I really was hopeful deep inside. When I had my ultrasound with him, I brought DH and DS1 into the room with me, and I thought to myself, it's either a brother or a sister for DS1: both are good, and for him, a brother would be the best news ever. When the tech said, "It's a boy," I turned to DS1 and with complete sincerity said, "You're going to have a brother! You are so lucky!" I did, again, feel some serious GD during the pregnancy, but I was able to resolve this by realizing that even if I hadn't gotten lucky this time, DS1 had, and considering how close we are and how much I love him, that was really almost the same thing.

I continued to think of DS2 as a gift for his brother for the rest of the pregnancy, but when he finally arrived I was able to start bonding with him for myself, if that makes sense. He was the best, sweetest, MOST CUDDLY baby in the universe. He snuggled right up to me in the most adorable way possible, and he would hold onto my nose sometimes while he nursed. He was such a surprise: DS1 has ADHD and was extremely fussy and difficult when he was a baby, but here was this little one who was so laid back that he didn't even cry when he was born, and he continued to be like that right down the line.

As DS2 gets older, it has become obvious that he is SUCH A BOY. My DH, who is quite athletic and manly, was privately terribly humiliated by DS1's lackluster performance on the soccer field (the one and only time we tried to put DS1 into sports). Now he has a little mini-me who loves jumping, climbing, and being outside, and whose favorite activity in the world is kicking a soccer ball with his dad. He's still a cuddler, though, and what I'm noticing about him more lately is how much he looks like me. I keep thinking to myself, "if I had been a boy, like a really masculine boy, THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I WOULD LOOK LIKE."

DS2 brings something completely different to my life. I guess it's what people would think of when they think of a nice mother-son relationship. He is totally in love with me, and he's always giving me rocks and flowers, and big hugs around my neck with his beautiful little arms. He loves babies and animals, and he's teaching me that males can be safe, and that a person can be incredibly strong and incredibly sensitive at the same time. I think my relationship with him is the one completely safe and trusting relationship I've ever had with a male...while parts of me still had trouble trusting males and people in general when I met DH and even DS1, by the time I met DS2 I had been in therapy for a few years, had mostly healed my relationships with DS1 and DH, and was ready to bond fully with him right from the start.

So what I'm telling you, Complex, is not to be too scared to try, if another child is what you want. Because he won't just be a BOY, even if he's a really masculine boy. He'll be a person with something unique and beautiful to give to you, or to teach you. I hate sports with a passion, but you will sometimes find me happily kicking a ball with DS2, because he's totally adorable and that's just what he likes to do. We also talk about babies, though, and play baby dolls together, because he loves that, too. We both do.

If you do get another boy, who knows...maybe he'll even be your daughter.

Wantanother, I'm very sorry that you have also experienced this kind of pain. You write, "It's so maddening to feel like you're still drowning in a swirling ocean while others are parasailing in the same waters right next to you; totally unaffected. Never will they have to comprehend what you do, much less try to overcome it."

Yes, I have struggled with this feeling my entire life. It has only come to me recently (and I could not have heard or understood this before, so my sincere apologies if I offend you or anyone else with this) that the experiences I have had may actually have been a gift.

My first son has been struggling lately with the idea of death. It's scary for him to think that his parents will die, and that he will die one day. The level of depth, wisdom, and insight I was able to bring to our conversations about this was profoundly meaningful to him, and allowed him to process and resolve one of the most terrifying issues we as humans have to face. My lack of fear of death is a direct result of my childhood. Because I fully expected my father to kill me at some point when I was small, I have come to view every second of my life as an incredible gift. The choices I make every day reflect my priorities: to care, as best I can, for myself and my family, and to give them as much of my heart as is possible while I am still here and breathing. I live my life in full view of the knowledge that it can end at any time. I value every second that beats by. I was able to show DS1 how I have used my knowledge of life's brevity to guide its course: to clarify my priorities and to make sure I am living by them, and to purposefully bring love into all my days.

I never could have taught him this, or understood it myself, if it wasn't for the way my life played out. I have had many moments when I realize fully how much beauty, by contrast, my ugly childhood has given me, and will continue to give me for the rest of my life. When something is sweet, it is sweeter, because I used to be so hungry. When there is light, it is brighter, because there used to be so much darkness. And when there is love, it is heaven, because I used to live in hell. My children are not just children, they are angels to me. My husband is not just my life partner, he is my savior, my hero, and my protector. The level of gratitude I have for each second of being alive and safe now, makes me lucky for experiencing what I did.

[Complex Emotions]

...As someone who has wished for and dreamed of a daughter almost my entire life, and now has two sons, I can tell you that if you have another boy, you WILL love him and you WILL bond with him...

So what I'm telling you, Complex, is not to be too scared to try, if another child is what you want. Because he won't just be a BOY, even if he's a really masculine boy. He'll be a person with something unique and beautiful to give to you, or to teach you...

Thank you, Serenity. In my deepest heart I do know I would come to love my second son.

What I don't know, and what I can't imagine, is what the grieving process of never having a daughter would look like with my personal psychological weaknesses/vulnerabilities. I'm afraid I don't have the same level of emotional self-control that most people do. Am I able to still be a loving mom and wife while privately grieving? Would I still be able to get through the pregnancy in a healthy way? Could I hide or minimize this secret grief so that it that won't damage other people's perception of who I am? Would I be able to safely handle any self-hatred/ self-disgust I might experience over my GD feelings?

If I don't pursue having a second child - Can I ever find a way to end this longing for another baby and just move on with my life? Will I always feel the emptiness of the missing person who never got to join our family? Will my husband still love me if I don't fulfill his dream of having two children? Will my son be alone in the world in a way that hurts him when we're all older?

[Serenity]

Hi Complex,

You know, to me it sounds like you just don't trust yourself, period. Like one way or another, you expect to let yourself and your family down, even though you really don't want to. I have read several of your posts and you seem like a normal human being and a loving parent to me...I'm not sure why you feel like you can't count on yourself.

I don't really know what emotional self control is...feelings are feelings, and there's nothing wrong with having them or expressing them. I don't think anyone can control how they feel, they can only control how they process their feelings. Of course it's OK to grieve privately, and I only wish that GD was less stigmatized so that you could grieve publicly as well. This is an enormous, very real loss. If you think you will cry in front of others without meaning to, you could always make up a reason why, and, bonus, get their comfort and support.

If you truly don't want to have another child, then of course you shouldn't. But I think it would be very sad to let GD steal your little one from you, if he or she is meant to be. Only you know.

Life is messy. It's uncontrollable. It's never going to go as planned, anyway, no matter what you do.

[1+2+3boys]

I have to say that I'm really flattered by all the compliments about my writing! Maybe I should be taking it more seriously than I have been. In addition to ADHD I have some perfectionistic tendencies, and these are actually quite useful when it comes to writing, because I am constantly editing what I write.

1+2+3 boys, thank you for sharing your story of healing from GD. That is really why I am on this site: because I want to heal this. I'm aware that it has the potential to do harm to my wonderful boys, by making them feel like they are not good enough for me. Of course as mothers we shield our kids from this as much as possible, but my kids pick up on everything...I want to be able to see and feel clearly, so I can clearly communicate to my boys how I actually feel about them, with nothing in the way.

I do think that my wanting a daughter is the most natural thing in the world. It's just so obvious and intuitive, you know? OF COURSE mothers want to have daughters. I also think that I may have taken this natural desire to an unhealthy place by allowing myself to become so focused on it. I'm not entitled to a daughter. No one ever promised me a daughter. Not everyone has daughters. I do think that a lot of moms of boys are able to feel this loss and move past it more gracefully than I am currently doing, and while I value this site so much for the support and understanding that is here, I also think that it is a bit of a one-sided conversation: those of us who have gotten a bit mired in this longing for a certain gender are here talking to and supporting each other, but maybe we are missing the perspective of those who have not felt this, and also, to some extent, the perspective of those who have felt this and found ways to move on. I think some of those other ladies have things to share with us that could heal us, as could fully allowing our own grieving. I think the trickiest thing about this is that it's not over until it's over, so it's a complicated grieving process. If you want to heal, you pretty much have to grieve something that you might conceivably still be able to have. It's the same kind of grieving you would have to do if a loved one inexplicably disappeared...maybe they'll come back, and maybe they won't, but you have to find a way to resolve your grief and live with the uncertainty of it all. Maybe it's worth it to go through this painful process, though, just to find peace. I think my solution will be to have one more child, if DH agrees, and then to be kind but firm with myself that THAT'S IT. No more waiting, no more trying. It's over, she's gone, and it's time to grieve her as much as I need and then to turn my face back to my children.

When I look at your picture, 1+2+3 boys, it looks GOOD. It looks GREAT. It is adorable, and I should be so lucky. Somewhere on this site I read the story of a lady who recovered from GD without having a girl. She writes, "I am a rich woman with many children, and the future will be bright." When I think about what a future with three boys looks like, it is bright. All that love, all those grandchildren!

If I am totally honest with myself, this problem I have cannot be solved by having a daughter. I lost my childhood, and it is not coming back. There is no fixing that. This is what I need to grieve first. The fact that I am terrified of people, and especially men, also cannot be solved by having a daughter. If I want to heal that, it means that I have to take the risk of trusting others, and trusting life again, the way I did before I was born. The way I did when I was wrapped in the love of God, and knew in every cell of my body that no matter what happened next, I was and will always be perfectly, wonderfully safe. Because there is so much more everywhere than can be seen or felt, and part of me knows this.

If I do have a daughter, is it right for me to meet her with the broken parts of myself held out to her in my hands? No, these are my broken children, and it is my job to love and heal them. Maybe I am my own lost daughter. I will take these broken children into my arms and into my heart. They will be safe with me.

My beautiful firstborn son, who is so connected to me and to God, lifted his shining angel face to me yesterday and said, "We are all rare, aren't we Mom? Every one of us is rare." And again, he healed me. I have not been unlucky to have my two boys. They are infinitely rare, and infinitely precious, and exactly right for me. My first son's name means 'Gift from God', and my second son's name means 'God saves'...I am ready to let God save me, and I refuse to any longer deny or devalue the gifts I have been given. My boys are not going to hurt me. They love me. I do not have to wait for a safe daughter to love me. I am home with my family, here and now.

I'm letting go. I was thinking of taking Femara or Clomid for my sway, and I'm going to do something brave. I'm not going to look for it or take it. I'm still going to go ahead with the rest of my sway as best as I can, to honor the part of me that wishes for a daughter, but I won't do anything that crosses any of my personal lines. If I'm lucky enough to have another baby, I'm going to celebrate him or her with all my heart. I'm choosing to trust that God knows what he's doing, no matter what.

Maybe my pain is a gift, too.

It is great referring to your comment about my photo but the desire for a girl is totally seperate and we all love our boys. I too think it is such a natural desire. Please don't be so hard on yourself. It is hard enough without being hard on ourselves, we need to be nice to ourselves. The way we feel is not wrong and we are not the only ones who feel this way. It shows that you are a loving Mother to your sons that you worry so much about them. I never let on to my boys' about wanting a daughter and if I did go HT for one like I used to want to I would simply say I thought it would be nice to have a girl too and for them to have a Sister.

I was offline for over a year but wanted to reply to you because I really want to share my full story sometime. I am just so busy right now so it may take a while. I remember reading stories of ladies who had gotten over their GD while mine was at it's worst and it was nice to know it was possible. I think getting over it fully has to come from within you but all the comments from others can help you realise things. I was just lucky that I got another desire that was larger than my desire for a daughter and that's an easier life with more time for myself. It makes me a much better Mum too so it's win win!

Good luck to everyone. Time really does change things even though it does not seem like it will and getting over GD can be a long journey but know that it's normal and you are not alone and people care about how things turn out for you

[Kittybear]

Serenity, you write so beautifully and eloquantly; simply thank you

Complex emotions, I PROMISE you, if you do have another little boy, you WILL love him, as I love my gorgeous, inquisitive, clever ds2. My GD with him was horrendous. I do not want to give time to all of the horrible things that ran through my head, but suffice to say, they were bad. When I had ds1, the love I felt for him really did hit me like a tonne of bricks instantly. With ds2, the love was always there, it just took longer to fully show itself. Now he is nearly 2 and I am so thankful that he is in our lives. He is wonderful as himself.

I never wanted ds1 to grow up without a sibling (I'm an only child myself, and whilst I had a very good childhood, I keenly feel the space where my 'sibling' should have been) and I'm very happy he is a big brother and has a brother.

My GD is not gone BUT it is COMPLETELY separate for the love I have with for my sons.

Obviously you do what is best for you and your family but also have faith in yourself xxx