Where did the monster come from?

[kittendreams]

To everything coralsky said!

It really does sound like life has dealt you some tough cards and lessons atomic but oh my how you have played them!!!
You are are an inspiration and goddess to thousands of women looking for fulfilment in their life's dream. YOU amd only you are responsible for the happiness of countless women who would otherwise never know the pure joy in getting their desired gender.
Never ever underestimate your worth or the amazing gifts you have shared with the world.
I honestly hope that you know your true worth and how talented you truly are xxx

[kittendreams]

And btw it is absolutely impossible for someone as compassionate, patient and insightful as you to be "ugly" no way, no how!

[ChezIBY]

with everything Coralsky and Kitten said!!

Atomic, wish I could give you a huge hug, you've obviously been going through some rough times :/ For what it's worth:

No WAY can you possibly be or have been ugly!! OK, I've never seen you, but the little girl on your avatar is your DD I guess? She's gorgeous (!!) and no way can she have been born from a mom who was 'born ugly'. We have these impossible standards of what is 'beautiful' blown around, and if you look over the decades and centuries it seems they have always been there, albeit changing; women had to be plump to be attractive, then super duper skinny, wear wigs, pile on the make-up, be blonde, be brunette, follow the current fashion, UGH. Exhausting!

That being said, one extra thing on looks - I feel for you regarding the braces! If it can make you feel better, I had them for a total of like eight years, no exaggerations! First all through my adolescence, taking up a bunch of time and money, changing retainers I don't know how many times and taxing me and my poor parents - and then when they came off, my FRONT teeth were crooked!! I mean, if some teeth in the back had been, that would have been 'acceptable', but this!! I remember being outraged at the time, at age 18 (the doctor had been no good obviously, but there had not been much choice close to home at the time, and dental is still surprisingly often bad quality outside the US I feel, unless you really are a hundred percent sure you have a great doctor. It costs a fortune in the US too, I'm sure - but at least I feel like almost all the doctors are giving you guys that Hollywood grin in the end, so you know you'll get your money's worth!) So then I had to wait till I was an adult and earning my life, set money aside, find a good practitioner and go in again - two years, finally off last year and finally a good result at age 27 after living for so long with crooked teeth (even at my wedding, I was smiling without showing my teeth, sob).. and I am grateful!! Because, being a bit obsessed with this at the time, it's something I pay attention to - and I often notice people having crooked teeth in photos, say some Japanese people (cause I like following Japanese TV shows), even celebrities like news spokespeople, who must earn decent money, sometimes have teeth that are SO crooked! Making me wonder whether it doesn't cost an impossible fortune there, or whether there are very few doctors available or something.. so at least I'm in a country where a solution *can* eventually (if expensively) be found, I try to tell myself, phew.

Jokes and talk on teeth aside, there are people who seem to get things handed to them on a golden platter with fries on the side, while we're here working our butts off for a fraction of that result. (Sophie Kinsella, is she popular in the US? I've read her last book, 'My Not So Perfect Life', recently, it should be available in libraries your end if it is already in France - a great pick-me-up if you like chick flicks, all about a girl struggling to make it in London while her friends/co-workers surf along with Mommy and Daddy's cash, argh.) But you know what Atomic? Your example is the best thing EVER for your kids right now. Seriously; the economy is in a rut, it's a global trend, recession everywhere in the western countries, the easy life is over! Your kids, they're going to have to learn to fight for everything, just like every other young person these days, and damn is it a good thing for them to see you tackle the problems you're dealing with now. It's not a very amusing picture, but trust me, the kiddies of your happy-go-lucky friends will run into problems eventually, just like your kids - except it's YOUR kids who will be better equipped to find good solutions, fast! The easy life just doesn't breed strong children, it just can't! And life isn't going to be easy for anyone in the coming years and decades (unless you are Paris Hilton or Brad Pitt I guess, but I'd draw the line there). So there's that, you'll definitely raise fighters and what you'll give them will be much more valuable than any material wealth just falling in their lap.

On that note - we all come into life as we are, we'll all leave one day just the same, and when that final day comes individually for each person, YOU, Atomic, you can be so proud that you will definitely have something to look back at and say, 'Yes, that was worth it, it's a great thing I was born and lived my life'. Every single day, when you get up and see yourself in the mirror, you should be proud, you should hold your head up high, you should say, 'Here I am, Atomic Sagebrush, I have helped hundreds, thousands of women out in a major way, so few people will ever do what I have done'. You're such a star, such an inspiration, you did all this work and you're sharing it all instead of selfishly hogging it up, supporting all of us - I wish wish wish I can have such a positive impact on people one day, like what you did. It's just so much more important in the end than chalking up things you only did for yourself like buying stuff or getting expensive gifts.

Finally - I really hope your hubby works things out, it sucks that he got laid off, but that too is a global trend, cuts everywhere, people fired left and right :/ Wait till the people who are 27 now get to 50, there will be even more lay-offs.. but that is irrelevant at the moment at this point of course, we're here and now and the situation is what it is. Argh, Atomic, it seems it's always the strong ones who get all the hurdles in life, 'burdens are for shoulders strong enough to carry them.'

You hang in there and you rant here anytime you like, kay? You have the right to at any moment, given how you're always OUR rock.

Sending love and hugs and thinking of you, hoping you feel a bit better!

PS I was actually thinking about you on waking up today, before reading your post, thinking over everything the women share on here and how honest they are about their thoughts and feelings - and I really think you should write a book sometime Atomic, you must definitely have the material gathered by now, and it would be quite a sensation. I feel like GD is something a bunch of people encounter and just never talk about because it is sort of 'taboo', and you have built up this unique place where we can share our innermost thoughts on the subject.. thanks btw

[atomic sagebrush]

Thanks, ladies, I really appreciate your kind words.

[foxtrotmama]

For me, personally, I think the GD is a pretty clear combination of two factors.

I was raised in a home that (subconsciously, unintentionally) didn't value femininity. It's not like anyone actively discouraged it, but neither my mom nor my stepmother (my Dad remarried when I was very young) is "girly". No one in my life really styled their hair or wore makeup. I don't think I owned a dress between the year I begged to be Belle for Halloween (3?) and the first semi-formal dance I went to in high school. I think that may be part of my burning desire to buy hair ribbons and party dresses.

The other factor is my first baby. While I'd always pictured myself with a boy first (and eventually got that), my first pregnancy was a baby girl. Ultimately, I lost her in the second trimester, but I had time to fall in love not only with her but with the idea of raising a little girl.

On the other hand, I think it's pretty natural to want to have a child of a certain gender or to want to have children of both. But those two things feel like they've impacted how deeply I feel the GD. I know that while I can be detail oriented, I'm not someone who tends to be focused on a specific goal or who gets hung up on achieving something specific. I mean, I have goals going all the time (like saving for a new vehicle, finishing the bathroom, reading a certain number of books a year), I'm just not someone who tends to have that kind of thing consume my life. I do get obsessive, just not goal oriented.

[ChezIBY]

Thanks for your insight Foxtrot and I'm so sorry it went that way with your first pregnancy A colleague of mine (who's more of a friend now) and who has GBB ended up telling me that she had lost a first too before her three kids (talks tend to turn to kids and pregnancy naturally around me these days for obvious reasons and somehow being pregnant girl seems to inspire more confidences than usual). I had had no idea about her having gone through that (and a subsequent depression apparently) and just I've been completely in the dark before about how common miscarrying occurs; since being pregnant and reading up here and talking to folks I'm realizing what a common occurence it is and for no apparent reason at times it seems. I am so glad you could go on to have your DSs!!! <3

[4blue2pink]

im not sure how helpful my input can be here but for me personally i was raised in a house where my mum made no secret of the fact that she ONLY wanted girls (she had me then wanted another girl but for health reasons wasnt able to have #2 though her name was picked out etc) she was apparently a complete nightmare during my pregnancy going on and on and on about how the baby HAD to be a girl, no-one could talk her round to the idea of a boy, her parents were very worried about what she would do if i did come out a boy, there was huge relief all round for various reasons when i was born a girl.

my mums parents had one of each but hugely favour girls, i think this came about as their son has lots of health issues and has to have carers as he cant live alone etc and he lived with them until he was in his 40's so they never got to really enjoy their retirement and i think they resented it a bit. my mum grew up with her brother having all these issues and causing all these problems and i think it turned her off having boys completely..

then my mum passed away young and it just destroyed her parents, my grandma was telling everyone at the funeral that "the wrong one died.."

just to add my dad had grown-up sons from a previous marriage, i dont think he was bothered gender wise either way..

having my mum openly talk ALL THE TIME about how horrible and disgusting little boys are and how she pitied women who had sons etc i had mega gender desire for a girl with my first baby and when he was confirmed a boy at 20 weeks it turned into gender disappointment. my mum died when i was a child and maybe that played a role too. add in the general public feeling here that favours girls and it felt like only baby girls were acceptable. i honestly think that if my mum had been alive when i had my boys she would have been openly disappointed, my grandad (mums dad) certainly was/is but he is over the moon with our girls.

with my first baby i wasnt bonded with him but my DH really wanted boys so i was glad that he was happy and we wanted more kids so i was lucky that it wasnt my only shot.

then i got pregnant with number 2-a girl who we lost half way through the pregnancy and this is where it became complete desperation to have girls.

but we went on to have 3 boys in a row, it felt like a cruel joke as everyone around us was getting girls no effort and in some cases they were open at how they were drunken mistakes and they smoked and drank during pregnancy, one person i went to school with and still knew of mainly due to her very sad downward spiral even continued to use heroin during her pregnancy and her daughter was born addicted.. her little girl still made it full term and healthy despite all that but ours died for no apparent reason.

it honestly seemed like we just weren't good enough for girls or something.. and other people were being awful, having an all boy/4 boy family here is NOT ok, i had constant comments from strangers about how horrid it was and how we didnt have a girl etc which hurt even more because we did have a girl but of course no-one could see her because she had died, it was like she only existed inside our house which killed me.

so for me its a combination of coming from a family that favours girls, with a mum who really pushed that on me. then later losing my daughter and having 1-2-3-4 boys just fuelled the fire. i felt i had to prove to myself and everyone else that i could have a healthy living daughter(s)

however if we had had all girls i do think i might be here swaying blue, all be it in a very different place.. overall i think the desire to raise both genders would have kicked in with me and my dh would have been desperate for a boy/s and i would have wanted to give him that. i think the desire to experience both is very natural, hence one of each been seen as *perfect* (though ive never thought that about PP's tbh its not my idea of perfection at all..no hate intended)

we have since gone on to have 2 girls in a row so i could do a post about how that has affected things if people want me too.. but its off topic and i dont want to upset anyone writing about how things are/GD/why im still swaying even after we got what we wanted-twice, as i am well aware that so many women on here would kill for just one girl and i wish all of you the best on your pink and blue swaying journeys xx

[Hopefullmummy]

This plays a huge part for me as well (the feeling like everyone else gets at least some of what they want fairly easily and I have had to fight tooth and nail for it). I wish it didn't, but it still messes with my head sometimes. Literally everyone I know IRL just has a boy and a girl. They have happy families with loving parents and money (not only are they making good money, but their parents will just buy or give them houses and cars and trips to Vegas and shit) and perfect houses and fantastic clothes and go on all these vacations and all look like they are having way more fun than me and they are like 27 years old and I just think how can I be approaching 50 years old and my life sucks THIS much? It's so unfair.

Granted, I've had kind of a bad week this week so please excuse my rant but I"m really feeling pretty shitty about it right now.

Sometimes it felt like my parents were on a mission to make me completely insane, moving every year and expecting me to be perfect at everything all the time and that they didn't care about me at all for anything other than what I could do for them. My husband is not kind or supportive and sometimes seems almost to take delight in my unhappiness.
Total strangers online are pretty much always nicer to me than my so called loved ones. We're poor because my husband lost his job for no other reason than just sheer dumb luck - not because he did anything wrong, he was a hard worker, everybody liked him, it was just his shift that happened to get cut, of course. I was born ugly and had to have facial reconstructive surgery and painful braces for 4+ years to look normal and that was after years of vicious and constant teasing. I have these weird mysterious health issues that no doctor can ever figure out. I have allergies and migraines and a heart problem that make me miserable. I did finally get a daughter but it was after 4 boys for 20+ years and only after I had to do all this work and research to get her and I'll be dead or elderly before she's even grown up. I could go on for like 4 hours writing all this stuff down (like I said, having a pretty bad couple of weeks)

I know logically and rationally there are people who have things way worse than me, and I count my blessings all the time, don't get me wrong but MAN sometimes it just really, really sticks in my craw watching these people who have never had 1/110th of the life challenges that I have met, kicked the butt of, and overcome, just get handed whatever they want. Rant over

Whenever I see someone who is seriously amazing and someone I look up to struggle or go through a bad time it reminds me that we re all human at the end of our day. With our insecurities and all.

You are by far one of the most selfless and giving women out there. Every day on this site answering questions one after another like a broken record. The same questions again and again. You're a.mn amazing woman, human and so many people are thankful for everything you've done for them. Just the level of research you've done on its own is so impressive. You're some woman atomic. You really are. This world is lucky to have you. All these women are lucky to have you. Everything you've done and the hardship you Ve been not only has helped you get your daughter but it's helped heal so many people's hearts. Whether they've got their desired gender or not you're given people more than a 50/50 chance. Which is more than anyone has. Know that you are truely special. One of a kind. And we re so thankful to you.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[atomic sagebrush]

Thank you.

[ChezIBY]

im not sure how helpful my input can be here but for me personally i was raised in a house where my mum made no secret of the fact that she ONLY wanted girls (she had me then wanted another girl but for health reasons wasnt able to have #2 though her name was picked out etc) she was apparently a complete nightmare during my pregnancy going on and on and on about how the baby HAD to be a girl, no-one could talk her round to the idea of a boy, her parents were very worried about what she would do if i did come out a boy, there was huge relief all round for various reasons when i was born a girl.

my mums parents had one of each but hugely favour girls, i think this came about as their son has lots of health issues and has to have carers as he cant live alone etc and he lived with them until he was in his 40's so they never got to really enjoy their retirement and i think they resented it a bit. my mum grew up with her brother having all these issues and causing all these problems and i think it turned her off having boys completely..

then my mum passed away young and it just destroyed her parents, my grandma was telling everyone at the funeral that "the wrong one died.."

just to add my dad had grown-up sons from a previous marriage, i dont think he was bothered gender wise either way..

having my mum openly talk ALL THE TIME about how horrible and disgusting little boys are and how she pitied women who had sons etc i had mega gender desire for a girl with my first baby and when he was confirmed a boy at 20 weeks it turned into gender disappointment. my mum died when i was a child and maybe that played a role too. add in the general public feeling here that favours girls and it felt like only baby girls were acceptable. i honestly think that if my mum had been alive when i had my boys she would have been openly disappointed, my grandad (mums dad) certainly was/is but he is over the moon with our girls.

with my first baby i wasnt bonded with him but my DH really wanted boys so i was glad that he was happy and we wanted more kids so i was lucky that it wasnt my only shot.

then i got pregnant with number 2-a girl who we lost half way through the pregnancy and this is where it became complete desperation to have girls.

but we went on to have 3 boys in a row, it felt like a cruel joke as everyone around us was getting girls no effort and in some cases they were open at how they were drunken mistakes and they smoked and drank during pregnancy, one person i went to school with and still knew of mainly due to her very sad downward spiral even continued to use heroin during her pregnancy and her daughter was born addicted.. her little girl still made it full term and healthy despite all that but ours died for no apparent reason.

it honestly seemed like we just weren't good enough for girls or something.. and other people were being awful, having an all boy/4 boy family here is NOT ok, i had constant comments from strangers about how horrid it was and how we didnt have a girl etc which hurt even more because we did have a girl but of course no-one could see her because she had died, it was like she only existed inside our house which killed me.

so for me its a combination of coming from a family that favours girls, with a mum who really pushed that on me. then later losing my daughter and having 1-2-3-4 boys just fuelled the fire. i felt i had to prove to myself and everyone else that i could have a healthy living daughter(s)

however if we had had all girls i do think i might be here swaying blue, all be it in a very different place.. overall i think the desire to raise both genders would have kicked in with me and my dh would have been desperate for a boy/s and i would have wanted to give him that. i think the desire to experience both is very natural, hence one of each been seen as *perfect* (though ive never thought that about PP's tbh its not my idea of perfection at all..no hate intended)

we have since gone on to have 2 girls in a row so i could do a post about how that has affected things if people want me too.. but its off topic and i dont want to upset anyone writing about how things are/GD/why im still swaying even after we got what we wanted-twice, as i am well aware that so many women on here would kill for just one girl and i wish all of you the best on your pink and blue swaying journeys xx

Hey there 4blue2pink,
And holy guacamole, where do you guys live?? I just can’t believe the amount of pressure some women on here seem to be experiencing from their social environment, like you said that having all boys and four boys ‘was not acceptable’ where you’re at – that is so awful!! It makes me so mad that anyone could make you feel that way and put that sort of pressure on you, and it is really heartbreaking what happened with your first DD I am so happy for how you seem to be feeling now – it really seems that despite all of the pressure you underwent, you have remained serene and focused, and you went on to have your DDs and your family (including DH) sounds really great, so many kids! And bravo on staying sane despite all of those berks around you piling it on. I would be curious to know why you keep on swaying and about how the attitude towards you and your family has changed since you had your DDs, if this isn’t to private? Wishing you all the very best for your current pregnancy (this is your eighth pregnancy then?? You are a marvel!! Great job!)
All the best, warm hugs