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  1. #11
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    Magical22's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by motherofboys View Post
    I don't want to be trying 'just to get a girl' I guess I have a small window of time that I can wait to decide. If I could be sure it was a girl I'd go for it. Don't know if it's easier to avoid the heart break completely


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    I understand this!!


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  2. #12
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    When do you say 'enough is enough' ??

    I had to go on clomîd to have Dd2, I only have a small window to try again so I have to try again soon if I want a third, great more pressure. Plus I want my third close so we can get back out there traveling and taking the kids out and about which is hard with a new born.

    Dh isn't keen for a third but he's coming around to it, very slowly. So definitely the last chance if I do go again.


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  3. #13
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    There is a lot of pressure, and like yours, dh family is very make dominated. My family was always female dominated following the maternal line back. I'm the first in god knows how many generations to not have a girl.


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  4. #14
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    I can actually understand exactly where you are coming from. But, strangely, (and your case may be very different), I don't think it's always related to GD. GD seems to have this way of being a "catch all" for feelings we aren't entirely sure about. I'll tell you why I think this....

    I have two sons (5&3) and a daughter (19mo). My daughter was a successful GD sway. We are pregnant again and are team green (however, I will say that I am rather sure it's a boy). But I am STILL dealing with the same feelings. Almost as though I never got my daughter at all. My husband would love another daughter. Although he wasn't the one who had stronger desire to start our journey. It feels like I might have regrets if we don't try for a fifth child. But it also feels like if we have another boy (let's assume that we are having DS3 right now and the fifth would be DS4), I will STILL feel like I want to keep trying for another girl. And I can't really tell you why I feel this way.

    My mom says that the itch to have another child often never fully goes away. That she had those feelings for a decade after having my youngest brother (who was a surprise baby #3, they were stopping with 2). That scares me a little, that those feelings are not going to leave. I want to feel complete with my family. DH and i planned 4 kids from the outset and, if i am being honest, it seems like we should be thrilled with our lot given that we did get "lucky" enough to have one of each sex. And, like you, I always preferred boys as well. So, really, I 'should' feel like I won the lottery. But I still find myself wanting to have another, wanting to have yet another girl (which was not something I really ever thought I would "need" prior to having children). I had said, like you, that I would be fine stopping at 4 if we had one of each sex. But, here we are, and I still feel like I don't know when to say "enough is enough." And additionally, I dont even feel a preference this time around, which REALLY makes no sense to me, if I am feeling focused on having another girl. Ya know?

    What you said about regrets really resonates with me, because those are my same thoughts. That one day, way down the line, I'll regret not having that fifth child, regardless of gender. And I think it's easy to link that to GD, to think that the feeling stems from not getting a girl (or not getting another girl) instead of just stemming from a general fear of regret. I think that many moms struggle with the fear of regret in regards to their family size. And I actually know someone (my aunt) who does regret not having a third child. And her kids are older than me. It scares me to think that the regret won't come in until after its too late (aka: my kids are much older and I am "too old" to have another).

    But, anyway, that long post was just to say that I do understand, even if it seems like I shouldnt, because I "got a girl." I struggle with similar feelings of possibly being complete with what we have, but also wondering if it won't be "enough" for me down the line. And the pressure to just make the decision now, even though it's not like we don't have time (I just turned 30 this week, hubby is 32). Hugs to you. I wish I had good advice. But I can just relate.
    Last edited by hotdogz&boyz; December 20th, 2014 at 03:35 PM.
    A: "Owner" of the following brood:
    -Our biggest surprise dude (L: 2009)
    -Our rainbow little man (K: 2011)
    -Our sway and pray little diva (J: 2013)
    -Our lucky charm guy (S: 2015)
    We may be done, we may come back for one more sway. Time will tell. At the moment, we are very content with our family!

  5. #15
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    Thank you, it's good to know I'm not alone. I hear friends saying 'no more for me, my family's complete' and I want that feeling. It's scary to think I won't ever have it.
    Sometimes I really do feel like I can be happy with what I have.
    I went to lunch with my mother today. We see each other once a year and have a terrible relationship. I've come away feeling a mix of wanting a close female relationship, and a feeling that if I can be closer with my boys than I am with her, surely that can be enough.
    In 40 years time, will I be worried about the pretty dresses and hair bows I didn't get to buy? Part of me says no, that will be a tiny thing by then. The other part says yes, you'll always wish you'd gone for 1 more.



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  6. #16
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    I always dreamed of two girls & two boys but here I am wanting five now. I'll admit that a lot of that is down to not wanting to think that next time is *my very last chance* of having a girl. That pressure is such a lot to deal with. I'm really not ready to face the finality of a last baby, we have the space & energy for a couple more. My biggest problem is a DH who did not want a third & certainly does not want anymore. I've had to stop mentioning swaying & wanting a girl as that just makes him more resistant. He knows that I love having kids & how much I want a dd but I can't make that the sole reason for having another - even if, in my eyes, it is the main reason. I'd love to have the money for HT but having a big family is also important to me & we can't do both. I just have to hope we get lucky. I told DH that I'd keep going until I got my girl & he knows I would too. For me 5 is my limit at the moment as we wouldn't have to change our car & we could fit them in our house no problem. I just wish DH had the same desire for these extra blessings as it puts such a dampner on it all for me. I hate that that's always divided us.

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    2007 2009 2013 (My VBA2C & sway opposite baby)

    So proud to announce that after many long years of GD our precious DAUGHTER joined us in June 2016!!


  7. #17
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    I would love to go high tech too, but I just feel in our situation it would be too selfish. We are waiting to move, we are in a 2 bed, with 4 boys. Ds4 sleeps with us, we have a cot next to the bed not that his ever used it. He has always slept in our bed. And 2 sets of bunk beds (so a bed ready for him) in the other bedroom. Our car, the middle rows, middle seat, only has a lap belt so a child can not travel in that seat. All little things like that add it up don't they?
    Dh seemed to feel that it was better to protect yourself from hurt and get on with appreciating what you did have after we found out ds4 was a boy. He said for a while that he thought we should stop. He said he cant make girls so what try?! If course I know it's not possible to not make girls.



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  8. #18
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    Quote Originally Posted by Magical22 View Post
    I have no idea to this question I have 2 boys, would go a third to try for a girl but what if it's a boy?? Then I face gender disappointment and a life time of smart comments from everyone about having 3 boys


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    This is where I'm at exactly.

    If I have a third and he's a boy too, while I might used to the idea and learn to love having three of a kind eventually, I'll be sentenced to a lifetime of hearing stupid "hands full" comments, and see the same looks of pity, or prying questions about wanting a daughter. I mean, I got looks of pity from strangers even when I was pregnant with my second son. I couldn't believe it.

    Even I look at women with three boys and wonder if they had been trying for a girl.

    If I lived in a bubble with just DH and I, I'm sure I'd just happy with three sons because DH always wanted sons, and he got them, and it makes me happy to see him happy. But it's outside influence that feeds the fire. My own dad only wanted girls and got them, and was very obvious about hoping my second would finally be his granddaughter. (I felt like as failure.)

    Then I see baby girls everywhere, or moms of boys announcing a baby girl next (that one stings the most). And I look at those moms who have daughters and I know they have this sense of fulfillment that I long for. Nobody ever questions a dad who dreams of having a son, so why is this any different? A comment on this thread rang so true to me... "every woman needs a daughter". I know not every woman wants one; some dream of only having sons. But we all grew up with girl dolls. When most of us pictured having kids one day, at least one would be a girl, right? Most of us probably had girls names all picked out too. I certainly spent way too many hours obsessing over girl names. Boy names were an afterthought. The pressure is everywhere. Online too. Pinterest seems to be geared towards cute ideas for girl nurseries, girl clothes, just pink girly crafty things in general. Mommy bloggers can have that mommy blogger existence unironically when they have sweet little girls who actually do crafty things and sit quietly for pictures in pretty outfits. (Totally stereotyping here... I know little girls can be hellions too.) Not that I want that fake Pinterest worthy life... but it just fans the fire.

    I too worry I'll never stop wanting kids. And for that reason I also wonder if it's really about gender. When I had a hard time staying pregnant the first time, it destroyed me to see any pregnant woman or babies. Now that I have two adorable sons, I get the same exact feeling looking at moms with baby girls. (Granted, I always thought I'd have at least one daughter.) I'm not sure what is going on, but I hate these feelings and it worries me that even if I do have a girl next, something else (like seeing babies after we've decided no more) will incite these same feelings and I'll never be content. I worry I'll never feel "done".
    (2010-2011) ... (2012) ... (2014) ... (2015)

  9. #19
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    Quote Originally Posted by hotdogz&boyz View Post
    My mom says that the itch to have another child often never fully goes away. That she had those feelings for a decade after having my youngest brother (who was a surprise baby #3, they were stopping with 2).
    This is what I suspected. I think it's reassuring in a way that GD might also just be part of a healthy biological drive to have more children.

  10. #20
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    Other people's influence really doesn't help. When I was pregnant with ds4 a girl in ds1s class (7 at the time) asked "will it be a sister this time?"
    It's funny but at my primary school as a child there was a family with 8 boys. I remember all the adults being quite mean about her behind her back. That she'd only had so many to get a girl and should stop and how terrible it was. I thought it sounded great.
    When I was a teenager and we owned a little holiday home, there was a family behind us with 3 boys and one next to us with 4 boys and I always thought how lucky they were.
    I assumed that because I wanted lots of babies (we originally said 6) that some would be girls. I hoped that I'd have a boy or 2 first. I knew dh wanted a girl so when we were told ds2 was a boy at 12 weeks (something I didn't think was possible to tell) I denied it until 20 weeks. When ds3 was a boy I had a moment of "not this time then" it wasn't till ds4 that it was really important.
    I think if I had a girl, I'd still want more babies, but it would be easier to say that we'd stop.
    I do look at people with lots of the same and wonder if they hoped, if they were disappointed. And people who have a few of the same and then opposite I wonder if they did anything differently. Even unintentionally.


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