Beginning to resent my husband...

[Gimmeapinkone]

I don't know where to even begin with this all.... DH and I always said that we would have 2 children and that they we would be 2 boys. Lucky us got what we wanted. It wasn't long after Ds2 was born that the gender desire started creeping in for me. We decided that we would try for another baby when Ds2 was about 10mo.

We fell pregnant straight away and I just naturally assumed that I was pregnant with our daughter. I mean, we had our 2 boys so it just made sense. Even DH who was accurate in predicting our other 2 thought it was a girl.

We opted to get an early gender scan at 16weeks because the suspense was killing me. Imagine my shock when they said 80% chance of a boy! I managed to hold it together until I dropped DH off at work. After that I absolutely lost it. I was a mess. I don't think I'd ever been so hysterical in my life. To make it worse, DH was happy that we had another boy which just made me furious. He only ever wanted boys so he didn't care that we were going to have Ds3.

I kind of went into a donward spiral from there. It was horrible. I had so many dark thoughts. I even considered just wrapping my car around a pole to be done with it all.

I did a lot of research into gender selection and through this forum, I realised that it wasn't as expensive or as uncommon as I thought. That was the light at the end of the tunnel for me. For the first time in a while, I was happy and excited about my pregnancy with Ds3 because I knew that I would get my daughter eventually.

Ds3 is now 2.5yo and the absolute light of my life. He is the most sweet, funny, caring little boy in the world. I often think back to the dark times in my pregnancy and cry at some of the horrible thoughts that went through my mind. I wouldn't change him for the world! But my gender desire/disappointment has only gotten worse in the 2.5 years.

DH went from yes we will got HT but not for a couple of years to we will see in a couple of years to now, no way no how, never going to happen. He's decided that he definitely doesn't want another child so that's that.

I don't know how to deal with that because I can't let go of my strong desire to have a daughter, a sister for my sons. Every time I hear of someone I know being pregnant, it sends me into a meltdown because I just know they are either going to get a girl or end up with a perfect little pidgeon pair. And then when it comes time for the gender reveal I end up an hysterical mess and in a depressed state for days.

DH used to to sympathetic but now it's gotten to the point where he gets frustrated whenever I have an 'episode'. I can't help but to start feeling resentful of him. He's happy that he's got his 3 boys, has no desire for a daughter and just doesn't understand how much this eats me up inside. I've tried explaining it to him but he just doesn't get it. I just wish that he would agree to go HT. I've said that he won't regret having another child, but I will regret not at least trying to have a daughter.

Sorry for the novel but it feels so good to get all of that out! I guess I'm just looking for any advice to deal with all of this??

[Dreamofpink]

I'm so sorry that I have no advice to give. I'm in the same boat although I know HT is out of the question for us. After ds2, my GD was at it's rawest. I was like a woman possessed trying to get DH to agree to letting me try again. We argued a lot as it was a stressful time anyway with him moving jobs & we moved twice within a year. Looking back now, my panic at never having a dd & the pressure I put on him was just too much. Things settled down & I agreed to not mention it until ds2 was 18 months. I started out on a stupid drawn out IG sway followed by a far too strict GD sway. Ds3 finally came along when ds2 was 4 & half. I vowed to enjoy his first year & not bug dh for anymore in that time. It has helped although he has just said no more tonight when I asked outright for the first time since ds3 was born last Dec. Thanks to Atomic's ace attitude, I've also stopped feeling like I need to beg DH - why should he have the final say when it's me that does all the work?! Yes, I love it & would never complain but when he argued that he pays for it all by working (I'm a SAHM) he didn't seem entirely convinced by his own argument! I just hate having this between us & wish my DH was as keen for more as I am. I totally understand where you're coming from & hope that you can get DH to understand - even just a tiny bit. ((Hugs))

Sent from my LG-E400 using Tapatalk 2

[MatildaMai]

Totally understand how you feel. But at some point somethings gotta give. Bc your marriage is going to implode otherwise. And that would be awful for everyone. Have you considered counselling? Anti-depression meds? It may make your DH sit up and take notice. He may finally realise that this is a serious issue and that may push him to reconsider his position. If not, it may make you feel better. I really believe gender desire and disappointment can lead to depression. I don't see it being very different to PND. I used to have full on panic attacks every time I went down the street and saw a pram or stroller in case there was a baby girl inside…. It was awful.

Do you know why you have such a strong desire for a DD? Sometimes its bc of a miscarriage or loss of a child or a sister or your own mother. Mine was a desperate need to try and recreate a positive mother/daughter rel'ship. As my own was/is pretty awful. Sometimes dealing with those underlying issues can help you get a new perspective on things.

I felt that resentment you talk about. And I know my DH was frustrated and resentful towards me as he felt I'd 'changed the goalposts' on him. He already had 3 kids when we met and didn't want any more. When we got serious he agreed (after much debate) that it wasn't fair to ask me to take on 3 of his without allowing me one of my own. That 'one' ended up being twin boys. And while I was ecstatic and adored them I grieved the DD I didn't have. If we just had the 4 boys I think I could of made peace with it but it was so hard seeing my stepdaughter and all the things I was missing out on as we tended to have the boys a lot but my DH's ex did all the activities with my stepdaughter. So we rarely got a look in.

Same as you, my DH agreed to do HT when the twins were older. But it was never a good time. Then he said he was done with the baby stage. And it was a flat out no. I kept at my research and plugging away at him. I wore him down in the end but it was a delicate operation. It could so easily have ended in a separation. Thank god it didn't. But it was touch and go for a while. And I had to trade a lot of things, like moving cities, living in a house I don't like and various other things! Ultimately he says that what got him over the line was that he felt he owed me bc of how I am with my step kids and how I tolerate the situation with his ex (which is not good).

I used to say to him 'happy wife, happy life'. And what is marriage about if its not about helping each other realise your dreams? We only get one chance at this life. You've helped him get his family of sons. Now its your turn. Our DD worships my DH. And he just loves that she always chooses him over everyone else. I often hear him whisper to her, "You should give your mama more cuddles. Without her craziness you wouldn't be here!"

[jen75]

Oh hunny i wish i had an answer for you, the GD issue was huge between me and my ex dh and i would say was a large part ( not all of course) of what split us up in the end. It was something he brought up when he was trying to come back, that if i took him back he would let me go hi tec for the DD i wanted, unfortunately it was to little to late. I hope you can make him understand how much this means to you and realise how he has his mini me's and you at least need a chance to get yours or the resentment will just grow and grow. i hope you can work this out and have your chance for a dd. x

[Adia]

I am sorry. GD is such a horrid monster and we have a limited amount of years to deal with it.

I worked with a lady years ago and she had 2 boys who were about 10 or 12 yrs old. She wanted a girl. She had bugged DH for years and he wouldn't budge. They ended up in counseling for a long time. SHe wanted a girl and was willing to work it out however that happened.

Her DH was from Guatemala, (she was a California girl) so they adopted a little girl from Guatemala. She was so happy. I had just had DD2 when she was getting close to going to pick up her daughter and I was so happy for her. She showed me a picture of her and was so proud telling me her name and details. A while back I saw a FB picture of her and her family and she looks so content.

If only we all could get it to work out that well!

I strongly recommend counseling. It will accomplish something. Either you will find resolution to your desire, or DH will come around & you will find a compromise, or you will find a way to get your DD.

Big hugs mama....GD is such an awful plague.

[Gimmeapinkone]

Thank you all so much for taking the time to reply! Sorry I have neglected this thread for so long. Things all kind of came to a head so I've been having a bit of a break from reading the forums. I ended up printing out what I wrote here and gave it to DH to read. I think it was a bit of an eye opener for him to read that's for sure but it helped us to start having a serious conversation about everything.

In the end, we weren't able to make any firm decisions but DH has said that he won't close the book on HT and that we will reassess everything in a couple of years time and go from there. Whilst it's not a definite yes, it's definitely a step forward.

Surprisingly, just knowing that he knows exactly how I feel and now I know he is still open to the idea of HT has eased my GD a lot. I'm no longer having meltdowns over seeing baby girls or hearing of baby girl news which is a huge thing for me! I guess having that thread of hope that one day I will have my baby girl is really helping!

Dreamofpink- Nice isn't the right word but I think you'll know what I mean when I say it's 'nice' to know I'm not alone with feelings like these. I think you raise some very valid points too. Especially the one where I shouldn't feel like I have to beg my DH! I really hope we can both get our happy pink ending!


MatildaMai- The thing is, DH must of known how I was feeling to some extent because he's actually suggested that I go to counselling.

I'm not entirely sure why I'm so desperate for a DD. I thought that I would just always have one. I always imagined my life with a daughter in it. I don't think the fact that everyone I know has a daughter or a PP helps anything. Also, my mum and I have a great relationship which I think rubs salt in the wound because I'd love to have that with my own daughter.

Sounds like you had sacrificed a lot for your husband so I'm glad he finally came round for you and you got your beautiful daughter! What your DH whispered to your DD brought a little tear to my eye. That's so sweet!

Jen75- I'm sorry to hear that you and your ExDH couldn't work through it all. Sounds like he was very unwilling to budge until it was too late! I think that DH and I have come to a compromise for now so I'm hoping we can work through it all.

Adia- What a beautiful story and happy ending for your work friend! It really would be nice if it worked out so perfectly for all of us!

Once again, thank you so much for all your replies! It's comforting to know that I'm not abnormal in my feelings! DH and I seem to have reached a compromise for now but we will see how it all goes in a couple of years... Hope that we can all get our DG in the end xxx