Blaming myself and very angry too

[XXforhubby]

You don't sound like a monster at all! It is ok for you to still be angry/sad- get it all out now! Now is the time to work through this so you can be the mother your DS needs you to be once he comes. Hang in there and be forgiving to yourself during this time. You are doing your best to come to grips with this- it is hard. During times like this, I always remember the quote I saw in my DH's late Aunt's house, "All things are difficult before they are easy." This is so true. What you are going through right now is incredibly difficult for you. But I do know that as you make your way through this, it will get better for you once he is here. You will have to adjust, but let your DS help you, because he will be the best medicine for you.

❤️❤️❤️


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[2boysJustOneGirl]

I agree with lemonade. I had a 4d ultrasound of my ds2 and it's helped me begin to overcome some of the feelings you also share. I think in really dark times we must see that a child is truly a miracle and also that gender doesn't define somebody. A gay friend said "it's not about sex, it's about being a human". That profoundly changed the was I look at my boys.
I know it's hard to accept that your dream didn't quite come true and it will always hurt at some level. But time will heal you.


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[Oziclaire]

Hi CattyPad,

I have been reading these posts for a couple of months now but only responding today because I only just registered as a member. I feel like I am walking in your shoes!
I have an adorable 2.5 year old son, and I am pregnant with my second son due early June. When are you due?

Like you I wanted a daughter first, because I was scared of never having a daughter (I have a terrible relationship with my abusive mother and I think having a daughter was my only chance at experiencing a hopefully balanced mother-daughter relationship), but I had a son (I was team green, a bit of a shock at birth!). After a bit of adjustment I thought that was ok, I would have a daughter next, and I convince myself again and again that surely I wouldn't be part of the "unlucky" ones.
When time to conceive arrived I had looked a bit into swaying and had started a very mild sway (timing basically and reduced salt, increased dairy, no banana and less caffeine) and I got pregnant straight away to what I thought was my miracle baby: 5 days cut-off first try! Not only that but the baby was due at Christmas, I was sure it was my "miracle baby" and it was a girl. Sadly I lost "her" at 8-9 weeks and to make things worse the miscarriage lasted 3 months due to complications.
So as soon as I had the ok to TTC again, I did, I just wanted that baby back. Only my ovulation came 2 days early, I had a positive ovulation test but still went ahead and got pregnant (no diet and with a one-day cut-off, I know because I get ovulation pain and later confirmed by dating scan). I told myself the whole time I would be fine, I had decided to go against timing but that was ok I would still get a girl, if I thought positively it would happen. Well it is a boy and I have been very sad for the last 2 months.

Like you I am blaming myself and the world. Like you I am 38 years old, so I don't have the luxury of time for a third child. Like you I am from Europe but I actually live in Australia so I have to visit family in Europe every second year, that is a huge budget and we won't be able to afford it with 3 children. Like you I think I am crazy thinking about a third one that was never my plan when my second son is not even born yet! I had this idea of a boy and a girl so firmly set in my mind, and I am very sad it will never be. And of course everyone around me is having a daughter.

Yesterday was a very sad day for me, it was the anniversary of the conception of the baby that I lost. I can't stop wishing "she" had survived, and that makes me feel terrible for the poor little baby that is kicking inside me .

Anyhow, that is just to say that I feel your pain, I am exactly there and I understand your issues. I really hope it gets much better once the baby is there in our arms. I don't want to be a mother that gets jealous of other families every time I go to a playground, I want to be happy with the family I have. I know I will love him as much as I love his brother, but it hurts every single time I see a pigeon pair around!

Hugs.

[Claire33]

Cattypad, how are you doing? I hope you are doing a bit better now. I too have been in that dark place, it feels like being trapped in a nightmare, something you never ever wanted for yourself. One day you will find your dark place slowly turning into normal everyday life full of fun and love. HT doesn't have to be all that expensive, especially in the Czech republic, if you start saving now. I understand you don't have age on your side though. Big hug to you!

Big hug to you too Oziclaire! No chance you can do HT in the Czech republic when you are in Europe on holiday?