Why is it that most of us want GIRLS?

[pink_bean]

I agree that on the internet it seems more women have GD for having boys and wanting a daughter. All of the people I've known in real life who've expressed GD to me were women with daughters who wanted a son. Most of my friends with boys claim they never wanted a daughter. Then again I let on to some people that I wanted a daughter in both my pregnancies and I wish I hadn't now. But I do think logically it's because we are women. I also think little girls are conditioned from childhood to want baby girls. We are given dolls that are almost always females, and I think that is a huge part of it. All those years dressing them up and we want that reality when the time comes for us to have real babies. Not the only reason but surely an influence.

[Throwaway_panther]

I'm like fox and some others: on here because I desperately wanted a boy, and am having a girl first. And I feel extra guilty, because when we finally found out we were having a girl, I researched and thought of some truly horrible things... that's how deep and dark my GD was (and can still be at times, though much less).

I feel even guiltier because I have also been surrounded by women who struggled with infertility (and not to be the one to poo poo anything making anyone feel bad, but I have known so many women who struggled with infertility that ended up with predominantly boys, I'm curious as to what studies say boys go to "highly fertile" women -- especially since I got pregnant on the first try and during a practically dangerous, inadvertent LE diet!).

I always find myself to be a little bit different from other people with GD because, yes, so many want girls who have boys... but also because, my GD is a lot less about clothes or interests, and about fears. And I think those are valid anxieties to have, too!! Having a kid is being thrust into a whole new world already -- losing any sort of semblance of control with "well at least we might both like ___ or ___" can be jarring (even though so many opposite sex kids love so many different things and are being born into a world where they're fostered!).

But my fears rest in how I grew up a product of sexual abuse from my dad, and being one of three girls. My mom was very abusive and neglectful (though she is coming around now that I've gone low to no contact with my dad... and they're both still married, amazingly). I also experienced sexual assault as a teen and lots of sexual issues as an adult. It's taken me a long time to process and work through everything.

Having a girl was like putting all of my deepest fears and anxieties on blast: how could I protect this daughter? She would be born more likely to be a victim than any son would be. How could I help her, when I haven't been able to help myself?

My husband is, luckily, amazing and supportive and talks all the time about his dreams to have her practice martial arts, have her be open with us, etc. Him wanting a girl (though he still says, "i'd be happy with everything; I just want a healthy, happy baby) has been helpful too, since many of my anxieties were fostered by his own family's borderline-gross sexism.

So you all boy women? I am envious. I am jealous. I read all of your posts, yearning to figure out what I can do to make absolutely sure I have a boy next child.

And know that I am here for you, too: you help me, with your emphasis on showing me that yes, girls ARE okay to have -- they're desired! And that we can share these feelings with each other, away from judgment.

It's a rough basket, this GD -- I often wonder if I'd still be feeling this way if I had never suffered the abuse I did. It's hard to know, but I'm glad I have you guys here; and I hope you, OP, and everyone else process the same way I am (with professionals, etc.) so we can find some solace. <3

[Wantanother2017]

I'm like fox and some others: on here because I desperately wanted a boy, and am having a girl first. And I feel extra guilty, because when we finally found out we were having a girl, I researched and thought of some truly horrible things... that's how deep and dark my GD was (and can still be at times, though much less).

I feel even guiltier because I have also been surrounded by women who struggled with infertility (and not to be the one to poo poo anything making anyone feel bad, but I have known so many women who struggled with infertility that ended up with predominantly boys, I'm curious as to what studies say boys go to "highly fertile" women -- especially since I got pregnant on the first try and during a practically dangerous, inadvertent LE diet!).

I always find myself to be a little bit different from other people with GD because, yes, so many want girls who have boys... but also because, my GD is a lot less about clothes or interests, and about fears. And I think those are valid anxieties to have, too!! Having a kid is being thrust into a whole new world already -- losing any sort of semblance of control with "well at least we might both like ___ or ___" can be jarring (even though so many opposite sex kids love so many different things and are being born into a world where they're fostered!).

But my fears rest in how I grew up a product of sexual abuse from my dad, and being one of three girls. My mom was very abusive and neglectful (though she is coming around now that I've gone low to no contact with my dad... and they're both still married, amazingly). I also experienced sexual assault as a teen and lots of sexual issues as an adult. It's taken me a long time to process and work through everything.

Having a girl was like putting all of my deepest fears and anxieties on blast: how could I protect this daughter? She would be born more likely to be a victim than any son would be. How could I help her, when I haven't been able to help myself?

My husband is, luckily, amazing and supportive and talks all the time about his dreams to have her practice martial arts, have her be open with us, etc. Him wanting a girl (though he still says, "i'd be happy with everything; I just want a healthy, happy baby) has been helpful too, since many of my anxieties were fostered by his own family's borderline-gross sexism.

So you all boy women? I am envious. I am jealous. I read all of your posts, yearning to figure out what I can do to make absolutely sure I have a boy next child.

And know that I am here for you, too: you help me, with your emphasis on showing me that yes, girls ARE okay to have -- they're desired! And that we can share these feelings with each other, away from judgment.

It's a rough basket, this GD -- I often wonder if I'd still be feeling this way if I had never suffered the abuse I did. It's hard to know, but I'm glad I have you guys here; and I hope you, OP, and everyone else process the same way I am (with professionals, etc.) so we can find some solace. <3

Thank you for your candidness. I can relate on some levels as I came from an abusive childhood as well. Our father was very abusive and my older brother was very distant and we never had/have a good relationship. My younger sisters and I were all each other had and I often wonder if that mentality is why I am so desirous of a daughter to give a dream childhood to.
I have thought about counseling for my GD, I struggle with the shame of admitting this to even a counselor. Thoughts run through my head like "this counselor has GOT to think I am the most shallow client he/she has ever had, the person who was on this couch before me had REAL problems and I'm blubbering about potentially never having a daughter when have no fertility struggles to speak of..."
I really wonder if you would need to find someone specialized in this issue to even understand.

Not to mention, going to counseling would mean having to admit to my husband how much I really struggle with GD in the first place. Our first real conversation on the topic was recently a it was huge disappointment.

Have you met with a counselor yet? I'd love to stay abreast on any revelations you find in your journey that may help us all.

[graysmama]

My story is a bit different. I just wanted a mixed gender family. I wanted a boy and a girl. 6 years ago I had my beautiful perfect son. He is the sweetest, funniest and smartest child a mother could want. Completely a mommy's boy. Yes he likes toy cars and getting dirty but he also loves to cook and bake with me, loves to do art projects and pretends he is a daddy to baby dolls. Never had any gender disappointment with him.


I instead got smacked with secondary infertility. We couldn't afford fertility treatment for a long time. I began to grieve for the baby girl I wanted because a second child was something I couldn't have at all.

We are now having our girl according to my Harmony results although I still struggle to believe it.

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[Throwaway_panther]

Thank you for your candidness. I can relate on some levels as I came from an abusive childhood as well. Our father was very abusive and my older brother was very distant and we never had/have a good relationship. My younger sisters and I were all each other had and I often wonder if that mentality is why I am so desirous of a daughter to give a dream childhood to.
I have thought about counseling for my GD, I struggle with the shame of admitting this to even a counselor. Thoughts run through my head like "this counselor has GOT to think I am the most shallow client he/she has ever had, the person who was on this couch before me had REAL problems and I'm blubbering about potentially never having a daughter when have no fertility struggles to speak of..."
I really wonder if you would need to find someone specialized in this issue to even understand.

Not to mention, going to counseling would mean having to admit to my husband how much I really struggle with GD in the first place. Our first real conversation on the topic was recently a it was huge disappointment.

Have you met with a counselor yet? I'd love to stay abreast on any revelations you find in your journey that may help us all.

I have! I've actually been seeing my counselor for 3+ years, and she's been a tremendous support through many things in my life.

A good counselor will NOT be thinking any of that negative stuff about you -- truly. They are in the positions they are for a reason. You can even feel free to voice that thought to them and receive validation that no, they don't think any of that about you.

I do know my husband has had a hard time with my GD, though me going through therapy and even bringing him in has at least given him the understanding of why I have it so bad.

I truly can't recommend it enough. We come from similar backgrounds with abuse, though we have different gender desires, but I can offer one big insight that I've discovered with my therapist recently: alot of my fears and GD are by inserting myself into my future child. Thinking "they will be like me, so they will have this bad stuff happen to them." Or pretty much just imagining ALL of our future children's lives to be like our own.

They won't be. You and I have earned the scars from growing up like that so our kids don't have to. You can still give your dream childhood to a son, or sons, because truly think -- if YOU had been born a son, you would have gone through abuse (though it may have been slightly different), too, because bad people will abuse children regardless of gender. And think of the dream world any future granddaughter could have, too, by having YOU as a grandma, and having one of YOUR sons as a father... because you will have raised boys in your dream childhood who will respect and cherish women, women like you, their mom!

[Wantanother2017]

This brought tears to my eyes. I've never thought of it this way. Thank you for this!


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