Unbearable- when does it get easier?

[Serendipity]

I had two sons and terrible Gd with the second. It took me about 4 years of trying to get over it and constantly thinking it over to decide to try again. We had another son. Now I am plagued every day with thoughts of "why did this happen to me? & why did I have such bad luck?" ds3 is beautiful and happy and perfect, but I feel like I've ruined my life, I've lost my independence which I was just starting to get back as the others got older, my job and income, as I was self employed and lost my clients to others whilst on maternity, I feel like I've gambled everything to try and make things better but have only made them worse. I can barely look at my husband as I'm so angry with him for not giving me a daughter. When I look to the future I see me on my own while they all have fun doing 'boy stuff' and then when they grow up I'll be the Mil and second best grandma. I just can't get over this, I was hoping time would heal but it's been five and a half years since this nightmare started. I feel like I'm grieving but have nothing to grieve over. Doesn't help the CONSTANT comments you get when you go anywhere with 3 boys, I feel like a circus freak show the way people go on at me.

Sorry, having a total meltdown today and really needed to vent before I go insane!!!

Anyone feel the same?

[Throwaway_panther]

I am so sorry you're going through this! I really recommend finding a counselor or therapist to talk about all of this with -- they are invaluable. And I know it can be stressful, but know that kids can be very sensitive to these feelings, too... I'm here, a product of two people who openly wanted boys so much more than the 3 girls they got that I have been wracked with my own gender depression about having a girl.

That's not to lay any blame on you: this is hard. This is insanely hard. If I end up with another girl, I'll be right where you are on here. But that's why professional help is so, so helpful to help us work through and process how and why we're feeling the way we are (since the longer we go unchecked doing this, the more our brains fall into a pattern of continuing these horrible feelings).

I do want to say: there is no "second best grandma" thing you have to dread. I know that our anxieties and fears can spiral, but that's so far in the future... and completely unpredictable! I know so many kids that have a favorite grandparent regardless of if its mom or dad's parents; your kids could end up with someone who's lost their parents, or their mom. So many factors that really don't make the "I will be second fiddle to my futural DIL's mom" really moot.

I know these comments might not help, but know that I feel for you. I'm so sorry you're going through this, and I truly hope you find a professional to talk to <3

[Serendipity]

No, you are totally right, I read your other post and that is my main concern, that the boys should never feel my longing, I am trying so hard to put a brave face on and not let the depression affect them. Guilt and shame over feeling this way means I never speak of it to anyone. Thank you for your honesty, and sharing your story, it has really put things in perspective. I certainly must ensure their happiness is the priority and try to let go of how things "should" be and focus on how they are.

People are so rude in earshot of them though. I was told the other day because I have three boys I must be "a glutton for punishment" as if my children are a punishment!! So hurtful to all of us.

[Throwaway_panther]

No, you are totally right, I read your other post and that is my main concern, that the boys should never feel my longing, I am trying so hard to put a brave face on and not let the depression affect them. Guilt and shame over feeling this way means I never speak of it to anyone. Thank you for your honesty, and sharing your story, it has really put things in perspective. I certainly must ensure their happiness is the priority and try to let go of how things "should" be and focus on how they are.

People are so rude in earshot of them though. I was told the other day because I have three boys I must be "a glutton for punishment" as if my children are a punishment!! So hurtful to all of us.

That is a truly awful comment to hear -- I'll frankly never understand why people make any sort of comments on family dynamics, period. All that projection from these people because they're so upset about stuff in their own lives!

You are strong; you've been very strong. You're going through something very real, and very hard; I'm glad my other post helped your perspective. Just don't beat yourself up FOR feeling like this -- it's valid and understandable to feel this way. I hope you find someone you can talk to soon!

[Kittybear]

Oh Hun, sending you many hugs... GD truly is an evil b!tch that robs us of so much...

I have no advice, but I wanted to tell you of my experience; my sons, especially my big boy, adores his nanny (my mil), sometimes I think more than me she really is no '2nd best' grandma! She had 2 boys, so she gets my 2 whereas my folks only had me, so they are rather bemused by my crazy 2, and view them as some kind of strange and exotic creatures

I took my mil wedding dress shopping with me. She saw my first born before before my mum did. She didn't get a daughter but now she has 2 granddaughters (by my brother & sister in law) and she gets to indulge them with the pink and princess stuff, but she always tells me my boys are easier...

It's tough right now when your little one is so small. None of us know what our futures hold. When I'm having a terrible day and/ or night my mum reminds me of the phrase 'and this too shall pass'; it feels never ending when we are in the thick of it but time waits for no man (or woman) and it WILL start to get easier in a little while, (from a physical point of view the if nothing else).

I wish you peace xxx

[Bluebooties]

I can totally relate although i have 2 DD and currently pregnant with DD3. I was done and content with my family until i stumbled upon this site and thought maybe swaying would give me a chance at a DS. But i guess not ... now i feel i ruined it for myself. My life will go to a new level of crazy (i work 40hrs a week and have no family support). The quality of life my 2 DD were used to will need to change and they will get less of my time and attention and all for what another DD. I already had 2 i didnt really need a third. I have no one else to blame but me and my fate for this.

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[Bluebooties]

People say it will get better with time and it did with DD2 but i dont think i will get over it this time. Everytime i will feel stressed or overwhelmed as a mother these feelings will resurface.

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[Claire33]

You're not the only one. I wish I just got a PP to start off with, so I didn't end up with 4 small kids, feeling overwhelmed and stuck. Sometimes I wish I stopped at 2 boys as well, then now we'd be so much freer. Now I feel I am ruining my older kids' childhood by popping out babies all the time. I think life is tough, and I even got my DG in the end. BBBG was not my dream family, but I know I'm super lucky to even get the girl in the end. But life was easier with 2 or 3 boys, then we'd be getting on with life now, no more diapers, no more day sleeps, no more crying babies. Now we're back at it again, I'm very very tired!

Your family is not a freak show, I know many 3 kid same gender families. We're just going to have to be the best D*** MIL we can be, (I'll still me the MIL with 3 of my 4 kids). I'm going to do my best to be very kind and non-judgmental, that's all I can do really.

Are you pregnant again now?

[Serendipity]

Thanks for the replies, I'm sorry other people have felt the same. No I'm not pregnant, sorry, old ticker left over from last time! I think that's part of the problem, ds2 was my last chance, and ds3 was my last last chance, dh needed a LOT of talking round to have a third child, so now trying to process that all my chances are used up and everything is set in stone is mentally very challenging. My heart and my brain are taking a long time to catch up, it's almost like my brain thinks I'm dreaming and I'm going to wake up and everything will be how it's supposed to be. Weird feeling, maybe that's what they call denial and it'll pass...?