I don't know what to do and I feel like time is running out.

[Ttc2015]

I have 3 boys, boys I never imagined I would have (before I had them it never occurred to me I would have anything but girls) and I'm so grateful I have them, they are everything to me. But the all consuming longing to have a daughter of my own has never left me. I get a physical pain every time I hear of someone giving birth to a girl. I feel jealous. I feel like someone is rubbing it in my face - when I was pregnant everyone I knew was having girls, I barely know anyone who has all boys - it seems to come so easily to everyone else but deep down I feel like I'm unable to make a girl. I am scared I will never feel complete or truly happy until I have a daughter. I know that our happiness is down to us - I can choose to be thankful for what I have and enjoy this, or be sad about a dream that never came true. But is it really this easy? I get so cross and ashamed at myself. But seeing myself as a mother to a daughter is such a huge part of my identity I don't know how you can ever let go of this?

My mum died a few years a go. We were so, so close. I saw her almost every day. She knew I wanted a daughter and the only time I saw her get upset about dying was when she said she didn't want to leave before meeting my daughter. She has left a huge hole. I just can't get my head around not experiencing this mother daughter relationship with a child of my own. I have felt like having a daughter will help heal me. I had no bond with my father (who also died, not long after my mum) and I was so scared to have boys as I couldn't understand that parental bond with a child of the opposit sex. Now I see why perhaps I was destined to have sons as they have taught me so much. My anxiety about having sons has completely gone. I would not change them one tiny bit, I love being a boy mum but equally I need to have a daughter.

We finally went HT last year with disastrous results. We could only afford one go and I crossed everything hoping to be one of the lucky few. I did not expect that almost every single embryo out of a high number (apart from one boy) would be abnormal. So we could make girls but just none that would survive pregnancy. Even the embryologist told us we were better at making boys. The Dr thought it could be due to an issue with my fertility. I conceived my sons first time each time without even tracking my cycle (sheer luck) and I haven't had it looked into as gender selection is illegal where I live, so our treatment was off the record.

After a couple of months of being very close to a deep depression, the only thing that pulled me out was the thought I could still have my daughter. I found this site and put everything into swaying. I started the diets and supplements in the summer., I was going to give it my best shot so at least I could say I tried everything. In October we started. It's now February and I'm looking at another bfn. I'm starting to worry it will never happen. I'm 35 and Dh is 34. Come this summer all of our boys will be at school. I had only ever wanted 3 children, and motherhood did not exactly come naturally. Now I wouldn't swap it for the world but it took a while. I'm equally terrified of having another baby and terrified of not, and in 20 years looking back and being filled with regret. But is that a good enough reason to have another child???? Every month I test, when it looks like it could be positive at first I freak out a little bit, then when it's clearly another negative my heart drops.

I feel like time is running out. I never pictured myself having a child beyond 35. I will be 36 soon. The age gap between my other children is getting bigger. We are almost completely out of pre school stage and to go back to the beginning, well in a way it feel like we have left it too late! I can see how we could continue as a family of 5, lots of things would be easier, like holidays, day trips etc etc. But then she would be missing. But I am so scared of having another boy. I know I would love him as much as any daughter, parental love is gender blind, but that feeling when you first hear "boy" again. It terrifies me. I'm so scared of my own feelings. I hate feeling this way. What makes it harder is that nobody else understands and I can't talk about it with my friends or family. I know lots of people who are struggling to have babies and would think so badly of me, as I often do of myself. It is so lonely.

So I know by now that life does not go to plan. I can live with that. But I'm just so sad and confused right now. I have tried very very hard to get my girl. It's been almost 2 years in the planning. Now I'm starting to feel that all the failures might be a sign that this just isn't meant to be? What makes it harder is that so many of my friends are pregnant right now. My SIL is pregnant and I just know she will have a girl. I will love having a niece but I will hate that awful feeling that I can't help having - sheer and utter jealousy that it isn't happening to me.

Sorry that was a long ramble. I just need to get it out and vent.

[familymatters]

I couldn't read and not reply. Ahhh my heart goes out to you, for a lot of different reasons. For your GD, your failed HT attempt, your bfn's and most of all, the loss of your parents - in particular your mother. You have a complete melting pot of emotions there that must be whizzing around in your head.

I would suggest that maybe you have atomic reassess your sway plan if you feel like time is of the essence? You are not that old though, but I can understand why you may feel like time is running out.

As for your GD, there are SO MANY mums on here that can relate. I'm almost ashamed to admit that I can relate in a small way, even though I have a daughter. I so desperately wanted a second daughter so my daughter could have a sister. I had a terrible relationship with my brother and I think that has a lot to do with it. When I found out I was having DS2 I was pretty shattered. And then of course two of my closest friends (all pregnant at the same time) found out they were having girls which added salt to the wound. DS2 is the light of our lives and my daughter absolutely adores him which has made my GD totally disappear, but I can still remember what it felt like for those few months. And I know if we sway and have a third boy this time around it will take some time to get used to.

The heart wants what the heart wants. Don't beat yourself up about it. I'm sure some of the ladies on here will be able to give you better advice, but I just wanted to say that I am sorry for what you're going through, and I hope you get your BFP and baby girl soon xx

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[Ttc2015]

Thank you familymatters! Sometimes I forget what I've been through - I hate feeling sorry for myself and know that plenty of people are going through worse. I'm very lucky on the whole. For a coupe of years I was just keeping my head above water (ds2 and 3 are id twins, less than 2 years between them and their big brother so I was a very busy mummy) I was sort of on autopilot. It's just been the last year or so that I've felt properly normal again. The boys are older and more independent and think that's what also scares me, going back to having a newborn again!! Maybe I need to chill out over timing. I also have a silly theory about odd and even years - my boys were all conceived in even years and born in odd so I wanted to do the opposite with my sway, silly I know! I just had them at 29 and 30 and didn't want to be having my kids strung out over a long time - you know, standing at the school gates for 20 years or something! But maybe that's not so bad either! And I was really excited when some of my best friends announced they were expecting last year as I thought great, my baby will be the same age and in the same school year etc but that isn't going to happen now. I'm a bit too concerned with my life plan and for things to fir in perfectly (which really hasn't worked out so well so far anyway, lol!)

Atomic has been great. I have been dropping things each cycle. Messed up this cycle which was supposed to be every 4 days as I got sick, was on antibiotics, ovulation was delayed and I really wasn't in the mood! Still had a good attempt in fertile window though. It also feels a bit like what's the point of having done all this for so long if I'm going to drop it all. I've had too much time to overthink everything, I don't think I'm relaxed enough!!!

[Babygirlquest]

I know high tech hasn't worked before but is that totally out of bounds in terms of an option? You sound like you really only want a baby girl, which I completely understand, and that if you knew a fourth would be a boy you would stop at 3. Or maybe I misunderstand?

If that is the case I would think that the guarantee of a girl might be really important. Remember we have seen other cyclers have a cycle of all abnormals and then have normal embryos. I wouldn't take one cycle of abnormal females as any suggestion you can't make healthy girls.

If swaying is the way ahead then why not take some time out from ttc to see where your head is at and whether you want to proceed with trying for another, bearing in mind the very real risk it could be a fourth boy (before swaying for my fourth I have to admit I thought there was no way I could be the woman who got four boys and loans behold here I am!). Good luck in your decision.

[Dreamsister]

Dear tcc2015. Thanks for sharing. I am in exactly the same situation and with the same mixed feelings as you about ttc'ing after having 3 boys in a row that are now in their school-age and a familylife with more freedom because children are older. I also had one failed HT-attempt with abnormal embryos. I also lost my very loved father last year. DH really don't want more children and this also worries me that it is only my dream plus I am almost too old. He thinks it is egoistic of me to push it and force our family into this. I am very confused about what to do. I can't feel what is the right thing to do. I put a lot of effort into swaying but DH is not exited and we haven't DTD yet. Will do first attempt in April. I SO understand your feelings. You are not alone.


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[Ttc2015]

Thanks babygirlquest. I have spent the months after our failed Ivf going round in circles - do we try it again? Do we sway? Do we adopt? I came the conclusion that we wouldn't try IVF again. It took me a year to persuade Dh to try it. He was very uncomfortable with it, bless him he did it for me. I couldn't ask it of him again, after I had promised and given my word only one attempt. We also simply do not have the money. I had always said one attempt and if it doesn't happen then it's not meant to be. Easier said than done! I can see how addictive it can be, I can totally see why people go back time and time again, but also how it doesn't seem to work out more than it does. I found it emotionally and physically very tough. I got bad ohss. I hated leaving my boys. If it were legal where I live it might be a different story, but it isn't. I felt I had to draw a line and move on for my own sanity.

I went into swaying well aware it is mostly down to luck and we could end up with a fourth son. Even if you follow all of the rules you could still end up with an opposit. It took a few months to feel OK with this. My logic was, if I do nothing then I definitely don't get my daughter, if I try swaying then I have a chance. I love my boys so much I know I wouldn't be sad about having another son. Having four sons doesn't phase me, I am a champion for boys now! It's just letting go of the dream that I sometimes struggle with. Having four sons but no daughter would be tough to accept but actually no different than I feel now. I was doing everything by the book at first I thought I had a good chance of it working, but it's harder to keep up with everything the more time goes on. When IVF failed I thought it would be easier to go back to what we knew worked, the natural way. But it's been a big shock that it hasn't worked yet. It's been far more emotionally tough than I expected.

I think you are right, a few months out is needed. I have a family wedding in a few months and I'm a bridesmaid. I really hoped I would be pregnant by then, but it would be hard to be in the first trimester when you are feeling sick and haven't told everyone/are trying to keep it secret. My sister is only going to get married once! Maybe a few months out would help decide what I really want to do.

[Ttc2015]

Thank you for sharing too dreamsister. It means so much to find other ladies who understand, it can feel so very lonely. I wish people could be more open in real life about this as it does seem to affect so many of us! Good luck with your swaying. Your husband will change his mind once he holds his child! When I found out my twins were boys I cried for about a week my husband was a bit scared I think! It was him who said we could always try again (and I remember crying through snot and tears 'no I don't want four children!') and then when the twins were born I thought, it can't get harder than this, 2 newborns and a one year old, I'm definitely doing this again! And he was very reluctant and said we couldn't discuss it until 2013!! Then as soon as they grew their first teeth, started to walk etc, he said 'we have to do this again, within a couple of years all of our children will have left!' And I was up to my eyes in childcare (because let's face it he is working all hours and I'm the main career, especially when they are tiny!) so I wasn't so sure! But I just have never felt like I'm done.

I have also been terrified of having multiples again. I do not trust my body!!

[Babygirlquest]

You sound like you are very accepting of the path swaying could lead you to, either way. I only wanted to reinforce that it's not a guarantee, both times I swayed I told myself I had accepted the odds but the truth was I did feel some sadness that I had 'failed' in my sway, and on the old site people were quick to tell you exactly where you had stuffed up your sway. High tech is not legal here either, I wish it was. It would certainly make things easier.

It sounds like your heart yearns to hold a baby once more and I really hope you can get dh on board. My husband was done at two. I remind him of all the sleepless nights I do, the fact I still work full time and do all the caring and majority of cleaning, he willingly accepts I do the most work and a baby will impact on his life very little. I think that can be a real persuading factor, most men are reluctant to go back to the baby stage when they feel they are reclaiming their life. Id wait until after the wedding, enjoy that and then reapproach with dh and see what he says.

[Ttc2015]

Thank you. I thought I was accepting of where swaying could lead, and after the first couple of months of bfns I felt like "all I want is a baby now!!!" But recently I have swung back to knowing how sad I will feel if it isn't a girl - but like I said more because it will very much be the end of the road for the biggest dream I've ever had, not because I will have another boy, it's not simple this GD! I'm lucky as DH very much up for it. I'm the one who feels like I've just reclaimed my life after being a stay at home mum for almost 5 years. I would quite like to go back to work now! But equally I know the difficult early years will pass in a flash. Like I said, I've had too much time to overthink everything. If only I were pregnant by now! I'm just all over the place.

[Kittybear]

Oh Hun, I wish I could give you a BIG hug. I think that GD is one of those things that other people CANNOT 'get' unless they have experienced it and I really wouldn't wish this b!tch on anyone!

As one of the other ladies has said 'the heart wants what the heart wants'. I have tried to justify and explain myself to my dh, even myself for that matter, 1000s of times.... But ultimately it comes down to 'I want to see the little girl I have imagined raising my whole life that I remember'.

I know you said that another shot at HT is not an option, and I totally get that and respect that HOWEVER please go into swaying with your eyes open that baby could be another boy... When I had ds1 it was SO typical boy mum stuff, I thought that it HAD to work for me; I swayed long and hard, but ds2 had other ideas I will not lie, seeing that he was indeed a he was TOUGH, as I felt that I had more control over it this time.

IMO you have to decide if what you want is another baby, because if it has to be a girl, ht is the only option... Please don't hate me for saying that!! Maybe the us is not an option but could you look at a Cz clinic, which are cheaper? It is risky of course, but the ht ladies are v supportive....

Good luck with whatever you choose Hun xxx