How Do You Find a Counselor Who Understands GD?

[Complex Emotions]

My GD is at the point were I feel the need to talk to a counselor.

Twice in the past my husband and I have had a couples session. I hesitantly brought up my GD feelings with the first guy and he literally burst out laughing and said something like "Well, there's really nothing you can do about that!" so my husband joined in had a good laugh too. The second guy we saw was a somewhat better listener, but his advice was horrendous! He thought we should just assume that we would definitely have a daughter and take comfort and joy in that. That just seemed really stressful and not at all helpful...

So I'm curious, how does one go about finding a quality counselor who has a legitimate understanding of GD? The counselor search sites don't seem to offer it as an option. I only see "gender identity" listed.

Has anyone else tried this? What were your experiences? Any advice for me?

[Faithinpink]

Hi complex, poor you the first counselor doesn't sound like a nice counselor at all if that, for him to starting laughing is really insensitive.
Maybe you need to find a woman counselor , I'm sure a woman would be alot more sensitive in this situation xo

[ksmom]

First off, I'm so sorry that the first counselor laughed at you. It's awful and inappropriate. Secondly, that is terrible advice the other counselor gave you! I would think you could speak to any therapist/counselor about GD but pick a good counselor. Read up on reviews patients have left and see if they're worth going to. I agree with Faithinpink that a female therapist would be a good idea as she may be more sensitive to your feelings about wanting a daughter than a man may be. Best of luck. I hope you're able to find someone who can help.

[Erin514]

I am shocked the counselor would actually laugh at you! At its most basic form, his JOB is to be sensitive to your problems and he did the exact opposite. What an ass.

I agree that you might have better luck with a woman. I would also try calling or emailing the office first to explain that you have severe anxiety over the possibility of conceiving a boy, and you only want a counselor who is comfortable helping you deal with this as you've had bad experiences. They should be able to tell you up front if they're prepared to help you so you don't waste any more time and money. Just make it clear this is more than just a simple preference for a girl, it's reached the point of causing you distress and interfering with your relationship.

This story makes me so angry! If someone walked into the counselor's office with a crippling fear of crowds, the counselor would never dream of laughing and saying "how silly! Crowds won't hurt you. Get over it." But it's a woman worried about something pregnancy-related, so it must be frivolous. So sexist and unprofessional, honestly.

[Erin514]

Also, I just saw you thanked weeziewoozles for that link to the research paper on GD she posted. That was a great study. I wonder if you could even print out a copy to give to your next counselor, to help her understand what you're dealing with.

[Complex Emotions]

Excellent advice, especially about giving the counselor research paper on GD. That paper was so well written. (When I get a chance I have a lot of thoughts to add to that thread!)

Thank you all!

[Wantanother2017]

I'm so sorry that happened to you.
I started counseling a few months ago mainly for this issue. It took me several sessions to be able to even let the words come out of my mouth due to the incredible shame I feel about my feelings. My counselor was supportive, and did say this was far more common than people are willing to talk about. She suggested writing down each day several things that make me happy about having a son vs a daughter. And general reframing ideas.
However, she did later mention that she has an adoptive son who is 5 and came to her quite traumatized as a infant due to neglect. In chaos of the situation her husband couldn't deal and left her to be a single mother to their child. I instantly felt like a moron complaining about my desire to have the perfect gender to complete my family. I have such empathy for her situation, however now I feel like her sharing that has somewhat suspended my ability to open up in the sessions regarding my GD.
It seems like it takes a special person to be able to advise people on how to navigate the waves of GD. sigh.

[atomic sagebrush]

This has been, unfortunately, by far and away people's experiences with counselors and psychologists - 90-10% bad. Laughed at, made to feel like horrible people, the therapist somehow turning it around to tell us all about their experiences with infertility or whatever, and overly focused on unrooting some "trauma" (which of course is the case for some of us but not others)...meaning that we have gender disappointment because we are wrong or broken and no emphasis at all placed on teaching coping mechanisms for what is IMO just as normal an emotion as wanting to find a romantic partner or have a child at all. Even when I was a child, long before I ever had any feelings of gender desire, I thought it was sad when I heard of a couple who did not have at least one of each. I couldn't even put it into words, I just thought it was unfortunate for them. Whether that was coming from some social observations or just a natural drive or both, I thought that. :/

That's why I like talking to old people about it because they don't have the immediate snap judgements and are just like "well of course a person would want a girl after 4 boys".

[Complex Emotions]

Even when I was a child, long before I ever had any feelings of gender desire, I thought it was sad when I heard of a couple who did not have at least one of each. I couldn't even put it into words, I just thought it was unfortunate for them. Whether that was coming from some social observations or just a natural drive or both, I thought that. :/

Yes! I so know what you mean, Atomic. Part of me believes gender desire/disappointment is just a legitimate, valid, natural and appropriate reaction to not having a child of the gender you're longing for. It's nothing more or less than that.

I remember feeling sympathy for mothers who never had a daughter, even as a child. Part of my GD is the anxiety that if I never have a girl everyone will feel sorry for me and see our family as "less than". On some level though, I'm sure everyone has something about their family that they feel "less than" for. If it wasn't GD it would just be something else.

I remember this stupid toy from the early nineties, Puppy Surprise, a dog that had puppies in it's belly. The puppies would have either a blue or pink bow. I was so afraid of the possibility of getting only boy puppies!

[Complex Emotions]

My GD is at the point were I feel the need to talk to a counselor.

Thanks everyone who responded to this forum. I just wanted to update that when I wrote this I'd been going through some hard days, but I'm doing a lot better now.

I'm more excited about the possibility of having a second baby, sometimes even regardless of the baby's sex, and feeling really close to my son.

GD comes and goes, but for now I'm enjoying my life and I don't feel the need to find a counselor anymore.