Okay and not okay

[Raezodal]

Found out on Wednesday that we are expecting boy #5. I'm okay with it. I was more upset when I found out ds3 was a boy. I feel like it was inevitable, we just don't make girls. Or maybe I didn't want a girl enough.

But then something will happen - I'll notice the pee all around the base of the toilet because somebody couldn't be bothered to point, or the congratulatory messages come in: "now that I have a boy (after 3 girls) I know how lucky you are to have a brood of them" Thanks. I had a brood of them already. Or "Wow, so few people are having big families these days and usually in a family with that many there would be at least 1 or 2 girls!" Yah...one would think that. And then I'm not okay.

I wanted a daughter. I didn't care about the pink and frills or the long hair (she probably would have begged to have her hair buzzed off like her big brothers just like my ds4 did this summer...). I wanted a daughter. But I cannot put my finger on what it is about a girl I long for.

My ds3 loved pink for a while. He happily shopped for socks and underwear and shoes in the "girls'" section. Proudly wore hot pink pants and sparkly socks and shoes. He also tells me that I wish he had been a girl because girls are better and that tears me up because I did wish he was a girl so badly before he was born. After...not as much and that faded away entirely with time. He was everything I had wanted him to be except female. Every dream of what a daughter would look like, her personality, goodness he even came out the weight that I had wanted him to be!

My aunt had 4 boys. They all produced grandsons. So I don't even count on having granddaughters.

And although I know she is a piece of work, I loathe my mother in law and dread the thought of one day being THE mother in law. Of never even getting to experience a mother-daughter relationship through marriage.

I adore my boys. They are each different. Ds1 is a thinker. He thinks more than most people I know. Figuring out the world, he wants to know everything about everything and he has the mind and memory that so far...he is successful in that. Ds2 is a mover. Always has been. Moved the earliest of all my boys, anytime he sees anyone doing anything that he wants to do he works at it until he can. The result is physically he is more capable than ds1 and ds1 knows it.... Ds3 knows himself. He knows what he likes, what he wants and he doesn't care what anyone else has to say about it. A big heart, he is the first to comfort his classmates and brothers. Ds4...is 2. Lol. He is sweet and snuggly and happy. He's been through a lot in his short life and has a bumpy road ahead of him but he plugs away and just wonders Why a lot. All 4 with different eye colours (green, blue, brown and gray), slightly different shades of brown hair, different heights and weights. They are all different. Ds2 is the spitting image of dh. Ds3 is the masculine version of me. The other two are combinations, favouring one or the other of dh and myself or even their brothers, at different times, different lights.

I know this baby, this boy, will be different too. He'll be like his brothers but he'll be unique. His own thoughts, own interests, own personality. So why does it matter to me that he'll have the same sex organ as the others?

My boys all wanted another brother. Well, after ds1 got over the "well the baby could die" part of finding out (that was his reaction...that ds4 only might be a big brother because the baby could die...) I don't know that they would have known what to do with a little sister. "Love her" my mother said. That's what they would do with a little sister. Uhhh yah...I meant other than that. Thanks mom.

But I felt like there was a daughter out there for us. Spent the last year, once dh was on board with trying for a 5th, talking to her. That I know why she held off joining us...I wouldn't have one of my amazing boys if she had joined us too early...but now was the time to stop being shy. And in the end, it doesn't matter because she still didn't want to come join our family. I hoped and prayed that she would be born but I knew it was wishful thinking.

I'm tired of the comments already, and you can't tell I'm pregnant yet (20weeks along but I take forever to show). The "are you trying for/hoping for a girl?" (Yes, yes I was not that it is any of your business since I met you 2s ago) "Wow! Are these ALL yours!?" (I know I would get that one regardless because it is not just referring to 4 boys as to 4 kids...) "Think you're done now?" (I don't know. I'm scared I'll still feel someone is missing.) "I don't know how you do it with all those boys!" (Really? You just do it. It's not like I got all of them at once.)

I was numb on Wednesday, shocked even though I was sure baby was a boy and it was just wishful thinking that it be otherwise. But it hits me like a load of bricks, out of nowhere, that this is it. We can't afford high tech to guarantee a daughter. And I have too many food issues to sway harder than I did. Even if we had another, I just feel like it would be a boy. And I guess that is where I stop being okay. I am having a hard time seeing it as "you have what it takes to raise men so have another one" and right now just see it as "you don't have what it takes to raise a woman".

I know in the end I'll be okay. When ds3 was a newborn, I met a woman in my grandmother's residence who had had 3 sons and her anger and disappointment, still at 90, at only having sons was saddening. And I knew right then that no matter what, I did not want to end up like her - resenting the fact that all she had were these "useless sons". And rationally, I know I am not my mother in law. My boys adore me and I will never treat a person the way my mother in law treats me. So maybe it won't be the worst thing in the world having 5 daughters in law. No, because watch, I'll have sons in law!

Not knowing boy or girl was driving me nuts, I needed to know for sure that we needed to come up with yet another boy's name. But I wish I hadn't needed to know because I know how much easier it was to accept ds4 was a boy when I only found out after he was born. This time...I'm not feeling anything towards baby yet. Anterior placenta so I only just started feeling tiny flutters in the last week and only occasionally when I'm lying down. Ds1 was an anterior placenta too and we had so many "baby hasn't moved today" scares with him, I worry about the upcoming weeks. How many trips to the er will I need to make to ensure baby is still alive and well? And I worry about connecting. How long will I feel this detatched and numb towards him? And I worry about what ds3 tells me. Did he really pick up on my feelings of disappointment during the pregnancy and will this boy as well? Because I know he will be amazing, just the way he is, I just don't know him yet.

I don't want to be disappointed. I want to feel excited that we have another sweet baby coming in just over 4 months! I haven't felt excited about this pregnancy since we told dh's parents and my mother in law told dh he should have gone behind my back and gotten a vasectomy so that we wouldn't be having another. And that was part of why I found out. I wanted something to be excited about. I wanted to be able to shop for baby and feel excited looking at non-green/yellow things. We got rid of most of our baby stuff after ds4 because dh was not wanting anymore and we moved and I couldn't justify moving all that baby clothes and gear that ds4 was too big for since dh didn't want any more. So I have all sorts of stuff we need. And I just feel numb that I am either looking at yellow/green or blue...again. I'm tired of blue. I want another colour in my life.

[Complex Emotions]

I'm so sorry that your sway didn't turn out like you were hoping, Raezodal. So many women here on this site have been in the same situation. You are certainly not alone with these feelings. It's absolutely natural to experience disappointment over the loss of the chance to have the girl you've been longing for. Although the specifics of my own situation are different, I can empathize.

From what I've read on this site it sounds like the time just after finding out is likely to be the worst, most painful part of the grieving process. Give yourself all the compassion you can to get through this. Time will be the best healer. Even though you can't feel excited now, eventually you will get to know your new son and feel connected to him.

I've found it helpful to keep in mind that a huge part of all of this is just pure random chance. EVERY woman is capable of having a girl, including you. We all certainly DO have that natural ability within us. The ability to mother a daughter is there inside you and always has been despite the way the dice fell. Down the road, in your future, I pray that you will find opportunities to let that part of you flourish, one way or another.

[baby2016baby]

Sorry. I can only echo, and say after my failed semi sway it was worst the first few days. After 5 days I changed and started blaming myself as my sway was not as tight as it could have been so I spent a few weeks angry at me and thinking what if... By the 20 week scan I was totally fine. i bonded very strong to my youngest, in fact we have an amazing bond. She has taught me more about myself than anything I've ever been through. It's because of her beautiful nature and my ability to accept so easily that we have tried again. I wish i could say something to comfort you but having been there myself nothing much works. Just know you are not alone and you will be a great mum to your new son xx

[Grace]

My heart goes out to you Raezodal! I could have written many of your lines, though I only have 3 boys. When we found out we were going to have boy no.3 I had a hard time coping with the disappointment, but a few days later I came to terms with reality and once he was born I loved him for what he is. I'm sure you'll feel better about it soon. I'm still hoping to add a girl to our family, but chances are slim that I'd have another baby anyway. Usually when I'm down with bad GD I focus on trying to raise my boys to be kind, loving and caring men, so hopefully when I'm older I won't feel the lack of a daughter, hope that makes sense. Take care of yourself my dear! Hugs xoxoxo

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[MommyMegan251]

I feel SO MANY of the feelings you have written. And with that being said, I know that nothing anyone can say will truly make your feelings change. It does help to know that you're not alone, but you will always have that longing feeling. And it's a sad and scary thing. I'm sorry that you're going through it. I know that your boys love you and make you happy... and I hope their love continues to get you through the hard times.

[Raezodal]

Thank you. Writing it out helped, it wasn't spinning around in my head anymore. I know once he is here, everything will be fine. As I said, I was much more upset when I found out ds3 was a boy. I had been so sure we were having a girl and then we didn't tell anyone because our families were very against finding out, so for the rest of the pregnancy I suffered through everyone guessing we were having a girl and knowing that wasn't the case. Never again! I know I'll be okay. Just need a few days.

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