DD3 gave me a new faith in God... Yet..

[Burakoam]

the eventual birth of DD4 is taking it away. I love her and am in a perpetual state of extreme emotions because of it. I love her and that's completely unaffected by anything but situation is incredibly unfair. I think the thing worse than pigeon pair for me is wondering what makes someone more deserving than me on getting their desired gender....doesn't matter how many kids they have, mixed gender single gender doesn't matter.. I swayed and I prayed so hard. I wanted that 18 month age gap to experience it so much but I also wanted it to be a boy and both the age and the gender were in my prayers. I thought it had to be my turn.

When I was 16 I thought I was in love and had my first daughter and was stupid enough even after he abandoned me and her to have another one with him to which he abandoned us all over again. He got to move on and I felt justice was served when he had yet another daughter with his new wife because he didn't want girls he wanted boys and specifically told me one of the reasons he wouldn't be with me is we didn't have a boy. However for his 4th child he got his longed for son and here I sit 4 kids in and I'm getting DD4. He abandoned his first two kids and I did the right thing... And here I am feeling like "God" is punishing me.. Wtf?

I am in a lot of pain. I Just had to type this all out before I left. Being here unfortunately isn't therapeutic like I hoped and instead has caused further anguish.

I don't care that I have someones dream family. This wasn't my dream and it hurts.

[Kittybear]

I'm so sorry you are in so much pain. GD during pregnancy is monstrous and I wouldn't wish it on anyone

I have no advice, just sending hugs (((()))) xxx

[GirlieCat]

Dear Burakoam,
I cannot directly relate (yet) to your pain of finding out you are not getting the gender you so hoped for, but I can understand wanting something so bad that it hurts like hell when God has other plans.

It is okay to feel angry with God. It is okay to yell at him and cry to him and tell him how mad you are. We can never understand why when we want something so bad and we pour our heart out to him- that he still answers with a "No, I have other plans for you." I try to remind myself that in his eyes we are but children. As a parent, I am sure you can understand that there are so many times where a child wants something so badly and begs and cries, but as their parent it seems so easy for you to say no because you know it is not safe for them or not in their best interest. A toddler is still going to cry when you won’t let them play with the steak knife or drink the bottle of bleach…they can’t understand why their parent says no. To God we are but babies in this life- we are incapable of understand his plans or reasons why he says no. He doesn’t like to see us hurt and cry, but his wisdom is beyond anything we can understand and he doesn’t make mistakes.

Don’t focus on how you are “supposed” to feel, just know that it is okay to feel everything that you are feeling…anger, fear, devastation, confusion, hurt, regret, even a split second of thinking a miscarriage might be a relief or contemplating abortion- it is okay to feel everything you are feeling. If anyone else says they don’t feel those things, even the really bad things, then they are lying to you or they haven’t felt true grief like you are feeling. Grief is a process and you have to go through it. But remember that you are going “through” this, not “stuck” in it. There will be days of joy again and there will be moments where you might even understand better why God made the choices he did for your life. Or maybe you won’t understand and that is okay too. But please try not to think that God loves you any less than someone who does get the gender they wanted. That is not how God works and I hope you will be able to see that someday, not today, but someday.

My favorite song right now is called “Thy Will” by Hillary Scott. It might be too soon for you to be ready to say “Thy will be done”, but I pray that you will find comfort and time will lessen your pain.
Here is a link to listen if you want to and I wrote out the lyrics to the first verse. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dp4WC_YZAuw

"I am so confused
I know I heard you loud and clear
So I followed through
Somehow I ended up here

I don't want to think
I may never understand
That my broken heart is a part of your plan
When I try to pray
All I got is hurt and these four words
Thy will be done"

[trifecta]

I think the thing worse than pigeon pair for me is wondering what makes someone more deserving than me on getting their desired gender.

I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. There are many, many people who make lousy parents that have children or children of both sexes easily, and there are many wonderful, loving potential parents who don't.

It's not fair that your dream wasn't to be, and that the man who abandoned your children got to realize his dream. Not at all fair.

The thing is, there can actually be comfort in knowing that yes, you probably would have been a great mom to a boy and yes, you would have really cherished the opportunity to raise one in a way that many people don't. It may seem counter-intuitive but thinking of it this way can really help you not to personalize it and to stop beating yourself up over the (false) idea that you didn't have a boy because you are somehow flawed. You are not unworthy.

[baby2016baby]

I'm sorry burakoam, I cant really comment on the religious side of things, without unintentially offending people........

All I can say is you are no less deserving, you have done nothing wrong. I cant answer why some people get what they want straight off whilst others are left 3/4/5 of the same gender. I wish I could make sense of it. I also know a lot of people cant possibly relate to these feelings if they both genders or if they are only 1 or 2 kids in. It really is something you only feel if your 3+ of one gender, so I understand how this site can make things worse, however well meaning, its why I left last time. Know you are not alone and there are many women who are in the same position, I hope they will be along soon with some more practical advice. My heart goes out to you and I'm keeping you in my thoughts and hoping you come to peace soon xxx

[Claire33]

Bura, are you having DD4? I didn't realize you were pregnant again. Congrats, even if you don't feel it at the moment. You do have my dream family, even if it doesn't help. Hugs to you sweetheart.