Does embracing GD help?? Could this be my answer?

[pinkfairydust]

Wondering what people think...

I'm obsessed with the idea I'll end up with a family of all boys. And instead of thinking about how I'd feel about that (maybe it'd be fine!!), I obsess about what other people would think about that. How will I cope with the comments and look of pity?

(I appreciate I sound slightly mental-and sorry if I am making large families of boys feel bad. I just know from reading this forum that mums of 2+ boys do get comments and I'm dreading it already)

Anyway... Is the answer to embrace it and turn it into a bit of a joke?? I've noticed people on Instagram manage to make single sex families their selling point (if that makes sense). For instance - look at the profile of a guy called father_of_daughters. He has 4 girls. He has admitted he always wanted a boy. But his whole point on Instagram is making a light hearted joke about ending up with 4 girls and how he's embraced it and wouldn't change it. He's got 100k followers or something crazy. I just think if he now gets comments about having 4 girls when he's out and about- he is now so equipped to laugh them off as he's amassed such a following on the basis of his life with 4 girls and his wife.

Is this the way to make things better? To make light of it all?

On another note--Does GD get easier later in life? I feel it will get worse if my grown sons aren't as attentive as friends' daughters when they've left home? Any stories about coming out the other side of GD appreciated. Having a hard time


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[ksmom]

The comments from other people are the worst. I swear if it weren't for the terrible things people say, I wouldn't be as down about having my third boy. Every time someone asks what I'm having, I say with a huge smile "a boy!" Of course some people have no filter and say things like "but didn't you want a girl?" or "you need a girl" or "three boys? good luck with that!" or like this one lady that said absolutely nothing at all, no smile or anything and just straight up walked away from me. What I've noticed is that moms of all girls seem genuinely happy for me about having another boy (I suppose because they can relate to having kids of all one gender) while other people that seem disappointed either don't have kids, are older people, or have all boys themselves (I suspect because they're reflecting their own disappointments to having only boys). I certainly don't want anyone other than DH to know how much I want a girl nor do I want anyone else to know that I've felt sad about boy #3. To avoid comments, sometimes I just tell people we don't know the gender and that shuts them up. Our families still don't know and it's killing me because my mom is desperate for this baby to be a girl. I say, fake it 'til you make it. No one has to know your desire for a girl or that you're disappointed about having all boys. It's really no one's business anyway.

I can't tell you if GD gets better. I'm still in the thick of it at nearly 28 weeks with my third and the only light at the end of the tunnel for me is DH agreed to go HT for baby #4. I do know my MIL was sad about not having a daughter (she has 2 boys) but it doesn't seem to bother her anymore. We're close so I'm like a daughter to her and she also has two granddaughters she sees practically every day. I don't believe that when sons grow up, they're automatically not close with their moms any longer. DH is so close to his mom and calls her all the time while with my mom, I don't talk to her much (that's a whole other can of worms though). My BIL (DH's brother) lives pretty much down the street from his mom so they see each other a lot. I really don't think maternal relationships have anything to do with gender, but rather the individual child. Each child is unique with their own personality and sometimes it meshes well with their moms and other times, it doesn't. DS2 and I are really close because he's more like me. What I'm saying is, you can't assume having boys means they'll grow up and leave you while a daughter will always be there.

[trifecta]

Like you I'm still struggling with GD on and off so I don't have the answer but these are my thoughts:

I think it's great to embrace the unique advantages of a single-sex family and even joke about it. I don't encourage jokes that revolve around untrue stereotypes (boys are all hyperactive and dirty, harharhar) but I'm up to joking about it in ways that don't degrade my kids.

Also, I also don't joke about wanting a girl because I don't want to encourage people to view my second boy as just a redundancy. It really bothers me when people view him as just a missed opportunity for a girl. He's a person in his own right so I'm not really tolerant of that stuff. I'm not open about GD in real life and that's exactly why.

I don't really worry about my future relationship with my boys. I just try to teach and enjoy them in the present and their adulthood is up to them. I don't expect them to stay close to home but I think I will be satisfied so long as they always know they were loved.

[atomic sagebrush]

I think this is a key thing and is definitely the way to do it. Living well really IS the best revenge. There is something extremely cool about having 4 boys or 4 girls, I remember back when I was pregnant with my second boy (I did not know I was having a boy then) and seeing this sign that read "There's a special place in heaven for a mother of 4 boys" and thinking how cool it was. Little did I know I would someday own that sign. Before I personally experienced GD I thought 2 boys or 2 girls or 3 or 4 or 5 were all very cool families. IT never even occurred to me how upsetting it could be for people. So I simply don't believe that the rest of the world is out there laughing at our expense.

Sometimes I think we forget that people are ALWAYS making comments. We see this thru our GD goggles as some sort of universal assault but I can assure you when I had only 2 boys and no GD, I was getting all kinds of comments about something or another regarding parenting (I was too young, blah blah blah) and then I also got gobs of comments about being too old or my family being too big, etc as my family grew to 4 boys. Even after having a girl I still get plenty of remarks! None of those things ever bothered me the way GD remarks did, because I had a sensitivity about that issue.

I have found that people say all kinds of bullsh-- to you in life. It doesn't matter if it's true or not. In fact, sometimes the more you protest something as untrue the more people tease you about it. So I think it is best to cultivate an air of not denying, but just living well. I feel like after 4 boys, no one believed me that I just wanted 5-6 kids (even though I did) and all the complaining in the world I did, changed no one's mind about it and actually I think made people suspect I was lying (which I wasn't, I did always want 5-6 kids, just thought there'd be a girl in there somewhere along the way). So the guy on Instagram has it completely right, of course he wanted a boy, duh, but that doesn't mean he's not still living a rich and full life just as it is.

[atomic sagebrush]

I have 2 adult sons and I am really close with them. I am not that close with my mom (and nor is my sister in law close with her mom, either.) I think this idea that a female child is somehow some kind of guarantee of close relationships is simply not true and you guys will find as your kids get older that you are just as able to have great friendships with your male children as you would be a female one.

[pinkfairydust]

Thank you so much for the replies. I really appreciate them so much.

Ksmon that's really nice to hear about those strong mother-son relationships. Good you had HT keeping you going. I would consider it but not sure I can put my body through that? I worry about the long term health effects. Wish I had the balls (and money!) to do it too tho.

Trifecta you make some really interesting points and sound so sensible. I agree about untrue stereotypes. Maybe a joke like "it's going to be noisy with 3 boys" is ok because the same could b said for three girls.

No I don't joke about wanting a girl either- would only discuss GD with my DH.

Would you mind me asking what drives your desire for a girl? Mine is so centred around my future relationship with them when they're grown up. Seen as you're not worried about that- I wondered what it was that drives your desire?

Atomic- yes agree about having a heightened sensitivity to gender comments. I sometimes think people joke about it because they think it's a "safe" topic to joke about as no one is really that bothered - as long as they have healthy kids. Clearly the ppl on this site know this isn't the case


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[trifecta]

Would you mind me asking what drives your desire for a girl? Mine is so centred around my future relationship with them when they're grown up. Seen as you're not worried about that- I wondered what it was that drives your desire?

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I don't know if my reasons are good.

I don't imagine anything too specific in terms of what a daughter would be like, but I want to feel like I've handed down the female part of myself to someone, whomever that would be. I feel sort of defeminized by having boys and excluded from the female experience. I don't feel like part of the family of women anymore. I feel like there is a side of my personality I don't get to express and I just really want to re-experience the female rites of passage from the perspective of a mother.

I know it seems trivial but I really love clothes and design and I want to experience the creative expression of decorating a girl's room and buying her clothes. I feel like I'm now only allowed to paint with half the rainbow, and it's stifling. Sometimes I say to my husband, "I can't believe I don't get to buy a little sundress" and he says, "I know, I'm sorry." In fact, I did buy a sundress to see if that would help but there there's no one to wear it so it didn't really.

Probably more than anything I would like to re-experience the baby/little kid years without the specter of loss and depression hanging over it. On one level I really, really enjoyed my younger son's babyhood but I was always simultaneously grieving the loss of this meaningful life experience. As I get older so many doors are closing, and I know it's normal to grieve them, but watching this door close has been really hard.

[Claire33]

I don't know if I am "allowed" to answer here, as I did end up with a girl in the end, but from years of GD and now being "on the other side", I will share my experiences.

My reason for wanting a girl, actually multiple girls, was first and foremost because I felt my mom screwed up and I felt like I had to rectify it with a girl of my own. I am also concerned about the future relationships with my kids and the notion of girls being more inclined to lean towards their own family. I had GD for 8 years and during 3 pregnancies. I learned how to cope, by faking it till you make it, pretending to be super excited about having 3 boys. I didn't want anyone to feel sorry for me or feel like my boys were unwanted or second rate. I told everyone that I was meant to be a boy mom and that I was only expecting to have boys. If anyone said I must have my hands full, I would say "Any mom has their hands full regardless of gender". I mean 2 of my boys are very calm and our neighbor girl is hyperactive, gender doesn't mean everything. I would just say that I think boys are easier, so no one would ever suspect that I was disappointed. I never made a joke about it, because then I would feel that I admit that I actually wanted a girl, I didn't want anyone to know.

I did end up with a girl, but I still am first and foremost a boy mom. I still get upset when people talk about sons are yours until they get a wife. I want my boys to end up with spouses that include me, rather than reject me. I will do everything I can to treat them all equally and not give my daughter more than them. I want all my grandkids to be equal, regardless if they came from my daughter or sons. My one girl might end up on the other side of the world, might never have kids, hate my guts, you never know. It's no given that I will be able to do mother daughter things with her. You never know where your kids end up in life. I might end up with one of my boys living close by and him being there for me. I will invest equally into each of my kids, they should all feel equally loved by their mommy.

We must remember how important we are, how important it is for every boy/man to have a wonderful, loving mom. How many men out there are scarred because they didn't have a loving mother, or didn't have any mother? These boys of ours need the soft, feminine touch that only we can give, the hugs and cuddles that only a mom can. The attention to detail, teaching them how to take care of themselves and others, how to bake, clean, take care of kids, be kind and patient They will parent their kids like we have parented them. Of course a dad teach them all this, but you know what I mean. A boy needs his mommy!

My experience so far with having a girl is that it's pretty much the same as having a boy. The love I felt for her at birth is EXACTLY the same as for my boys, despite having GD in each of my boy pregnancies. She is only young, but she is just as active as her brothers (maybe even more so), gives me just as much grief as her brothers, it's pretty much the same. Obviously I'm glad she came, but in the end she is another child that needs my love and attention, just like her brothers.

At this moment in time I feel pretty overwhelmed with 4 kids and feel that I'm not giving enough to anyone. I feel like I'm screwing things up just by the volume of work I have as a mom, so I don't think I'm "making things right" in the way I dreamed I would. I dreamed I would be a wonderful, loving, patient mom, but I am only human, and with 4 kids pulling at legs, I'm not always patient, don't always give them the attention they need etc. So having a girl didn't give me the oppertunity to be the perfect mom like I dreamed of. I do however shower them with love, something I missed from my own mom. But I don't need a girl to shower a child with love, a boy can also be showered with love! I think, if I have to be honest, having 3 boys would be easier than my current life, and easy to say now maybe, but I think I might just have been equally happy with my 3 boys. I guess it took having a girl to make me realize how little I was actually missing out on. In the end, the most important part of motherhood is "covered" by having a boy. The experience of watching a child grow, experiencing the close relationship, the dependence, the hugs, cuddles and love, the pride with what they achieve and become. It's all there regardless of gender.

[Kittybear]

Gosh, I could have written this myself, word for word. Thank you for your eloquent words trifecta

The question of 'why?' any person wants a particular gender of child is as complex and hard to fathom as the human mind itself. I'm sure I once read a post by atomic where she said something along the lines of 'the heart wants what the heart wants' and we should all make peace with that and not feel we have to justify ourselves OR judge another just because maybe they have what we want but it's not exactly their dream.

For me personally, I come from a long line of strong women who went against the grain of society and did well for themselves. It's almost as if I feel I owe to to them to continue that line, to honour them in a way (?) along with my own 'selfish' desires. I would love to see my husband hold his 'daughter', and my sons to play with their 'sister'; there is so much rough and tumble in our house (and I'm not a wrestling type of person) and I wonder/hope that a little extra dash of female hormones might help to calm that down (?) I'm probably living in cloud coo-coo land but a girl can dream I would also love for my mum to have a granddaughter. She knows about my GD and is very supportive of me. She says she totally understands my desire for a daughter as she loved having and raising me it was always her (unfulfilled) desire to give my dad a son and she repeatedly tells me how much he adores having his grandsons.

I am the last of my line (of females) and I have no brothers or sisters or even cousins to 'help' by having daughters themselves. I often wonder if my GD would have been so bad if I had a niece (?).

It sounds really silly but we were recently watching the 2nd ice age movie and we got to the bit where Ellie realises that she's not a possum (she's a baby and lost in the snow and she thinks she sees her mum but it's actually a frozen weeping willow but she hides under it anyway for protection; the possum mummy then finds her). This scene always makes me cry anyway but I jokingly said to my husband 'that possum mummy probably looked at her 2 possum boys (scurrying about, getting into mischief) and thought that a little female mammoth would be no extra work!' It was just a joke (and I'm sure either gender of mammoth is indeed a mammoth a out of work ) BUT I guess I want to find 'my' mammoth, even if she turns out to be a possum just like my boys

Sorry for my random post!! Xx

I don't know if my reasons are good.

I don't imagine anything too specific in terms of what a daughter would be like, but I want to feel like I've handed down the female part of myself to someone, whomever that would be. I feel sort of defeminized by having boys and excluded from the female experience. I don't feel like part of the family of women anymore. I feel like there is a side of my personality I don't get to express and I just really want to re-experience the female rites of passage from the perspective of a mother.

I know it seems trivial but I really love clothes and design and I want to experience the creative expression of decorating a girl's room and buying her clothes. I feel like I'm now only allowed to paint with half the rainbow, and it's stifling. Sometimes I say to my husband, "I can't believe I don't get to buy a little sundress" and he says, "I know, I'm sorry." In fact, I did buy a sundress to see if that would help but there there's no one to wear it so it didn't really.

Probably more than anything I would like to re-experience the baby/little kid years without the specter of loss and depression hanging over it. On one level I really, really enjoyed my younger son's babyhood but I was always simultaneously grieving the loss of this meaningful life experience. As I get older so many doors are closing, and I know it's normal to grieve them, but watching this door close has been really hard.

[Complex Emotions]

My experience so far with having a girl is that it's pretty much the same as having a boy. The love I felt for her at birth is EXACTLY the same as for my boys, despite having GD in each of my boy pregnancies. She is only young, but she is just as active as her brothers (maybe even more so), gives me just as much grief as her brothers, it's pretty much the same. Obviously I'm glad she came, but in the end she is another child that needs my love and attention, just like her brothers...

...I guess it took having a girl to make me realize how little I was actually missing out on. In the end, the most important part of motherhood is "covered" by having a boy. The experience of watching a child grow, experiencing the close relationship, the dependence, the hugs, cuddles and love, the pride with what they achieve and become. It's all there regardless of gender.

Thank you. Thank you for sharing this. It means so much right now.