An "unwanted baby"

[lindz]

Just found out I'm having a second boy and I'm not sure how to cope. I'm in so much pain. I always wanted a son. The idea of two boys on the other hand always scared me, like they'll always be wrestling and fighting. I'm not meant to be a "boy mom". It also crushes my dream of having a boy and two daughters so they could be sisters. With my son I was excited, disappointed he was a boy, but it was my first baby and it was still fun to buy all the baby clothes and everything. Now I have no excitement at all for this baby on the way. There's nothing left I haven't done and my son was always such a good baby. There's no way this baby can compete in terms of sleeping or being an easy baby. I hate the idea of having to go through all the motions again, breastfeeding, sleepless nights. I'd make any sacrifice in the world for a daughter but I'm just not feeling up to it for a boy. I love doing all the nursery decorating and milestone pictures for baby books but even that doesn't sound fun to me. I resent this baby so much for ruining my dreams. I can't believe I have 21 weeks left of pregnancy. Why is life so unfair? All the people who don't "care about gender just a healthy baby" always get one of each or daughters. I wouldn't have complained about only daughters but only sons is the worst. I wish I wouldn't have tried for this baby. I'd be happier with only my son.. Anyone else felt this way about a baby on the way and how did you deal with it day to day during your pregnancy? I know everyone falls in love with their baby eventually after it's born but how do you make it through pregnancy when every kick is a reminder of the child you never wanted?


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[Inforthree]

Just found out I'm having a second boy and I'm not sure how to cope. I'm in so much pain. I always wanted a son. The idea of two boys on the other hand always scared me, like they'll always be wrestling and fighting. I'm not meant to be a "boy mom". It also crushes my dream of having a boy and two daughters so they could be sisters. With my son I was excited, disappointed he was a boy, but it was my first baby and it was still fun to buy all the baby clothes and everything. Now I have no excitement at all for this baby on the way. There's nothing left I haven't done and my son was always such a good baby. There's no way this baby can compete in terms of sleeping or being an easy baby. I hate the idea of having to go through all the motions again, breastfeeding, sleepless nights. I'd make any sacrifice in the world for a daughter but I'm just not feeling up to it for a boy. I love doing all the nursery decorating and milestone pictures for baby books but even that doesn't sound fun to me. I resent this baby so much for ruining my dreams. I can't believe I have 21 weeks left of pregnancy. Why is life so unfair? All the people who don't "care about gender just a healthy baby" always get one of each or daughters. I wouldn't have complained about only daughters but only sons is the worst. I wish I wouldn't have tried for this baby. I'd be happier with only my son.. Anyone else felt this way about a baby on the way and how did you deal with it day to day during your pregnancy? I know everyone falls in love with their baby eventually after it's born but how do you make it through pregnancy when every kick is a reminder of the child you never wanted?


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Hi lindz - So sorry you're feeling this way. GD during pregnancy is so hard. This was absolutely me three years ago when I found out about DS2. Now I feel so sad that I felt that way because he is a such a joy to me. My first was easy, and he was easier. He is so different than his brother and is just melts my heart. I really can't remember why I felt the despair I did. I really want a daughter and there was a point when I honestly felt like my life would be empty and not worth living without one, but I don't feel that way now. We're trying for a third, I would love a daughter but I will be okay with another son. I think as they get older it's easier to see them as people and not just a baby of a certain gender.

Also, when I was dealing with GD during pregnancy I tried to think of the positives and good brother relationships I knew of. I think it's harder for men to sustain close friendships so a brother could be a really important relationship. Whereas women often have lots of girlfriends. I have a sister and we aren't that close so you never know. And it's not all wrestling and fighting I'm way house (it's there) but my sons love to read and dress up and cook so we share lots of interests together. I am going to work on maintaining common interests forever because I think I can have a fulfilling lifelong relationships with my sons. But i do yearn to experience passing down my female experience to someone too, it's just not as all consuming of a desire as it once was.

Anyway, hugs to you. I'm sorry you're going through this. I actually share your belief that people who appear not to care what they have often get one of each. And I also think it's annoying. Try to take it day by day. I hope it gets better for you I think it will.

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[foxtrotmama]

I'm so sorry you're feeling like this. Do you have access to any counselling?

I know what you mean about people that "don't care". A sort of friend went on and on about how she "didn't care as long as the baby was healthy", but now that she's getting a PP she mentions her "million dollar family" every time I see her.

[Inforthree]

I'm so sorry you're feeling like this. Do you have access to any counselling?

I know what you mean about people that "don't care". A sort of friend went on and on about how she "didn't care as long as the baby was healthy", but now that she's getting a PP she mentions her "million dollar family" every time I see her.

Oh that is intolerable. 😤

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[Wantanother2017]

I completely relate to what you are saying, except I felt this way before I had my first and only child, my son. I remember saying out loud in the car "this is my son...he is my son..." Literally having to practice saying SON because it was so foreign to me. I was so heartbroken and depressed, and ashamed all at the same time. He 2 now and the most precious thing to me. However, I still struggle with GD for sure, but in a way that separated from my actual son. If that makes sense.
On the positive side, just remember that at where you stand all you see is the negative things with no way to really balance them out with the overwhelming love that creeps in as you actually get to know and love this little person. That is how I have slowly come to term with my sadness. Now you cannot feel that because that bond hasn't been created over time, so it all seems so bleak.
It will get better, don't lose hope! And remember the hormones exaggerate all these feelings!

[Complex Emotions]

You're not alone. So many of us have shared aspects of those feelings you're having now. You're in one of the hardest parts of motherhood right now. I know how intense it can be. We all know there are wonderful, magical aspects too, and you're going to experience those again, maybe sooner than you think. It's just, this is one of the hardest parts. The pain is real, and your feelings are valid.

[Kittybear]

I felt this way also with my 2nd little guy. He is currently cuddling me

GD in pregnancy is the worst. Once he is here, you WILL love him (even if it takes a while) because all you will see is your BABY, and, for a little while at least, what is between his legs will not actually matter as you will mother him exactly the same as if he was a girl; you will hold him, feed him, bathe him, dress him and slowly, you will get to know HIM (who he is, not just 'what' he is). I promise you this.

He won't be the same as your first son. He will be neither better or worse, he will just be different.

I remember feeling the way you have described, and it was horrible. I can 100% reassure you that how I felt during my pregnancy bears no relation at all to how I felt once he was born, and now. Maybe start buying a few bits and pieces for him and start thinking of a name you like, it might help a little. I also loved dressing my 2nd little guy in all of the clothes I had loved on my first. They adore each other (even with the fighting). Someone once said to me that I have given my older son the best gift ever of a friend for life

Take heart honey, you are not alone. Xxx

[lindz]

Hi lindz - So sorry you're feeling this way. GD during pregnancy is so hard. This was absolutely me three years ago when I found out about DS2. Now I feel so sad that I felt that way because he is a such a joy to me. My first was easy, and he was easier. He is so different than his brother and is just melts my heart. I really can't remember why I felt the despair I did. I really want a daughter and there was a point when I honestly felt like my life would be empty and not worth living without one, but I don't feel that way now. We're trying for a third, I would love a daughter but I will be okay with another son. I think as they get older it's easier to see them as people and not just a baby of a certain gender.

Also, when I was dealing with GD during pregnancy I tried to think of the positives and good brother relationships I knew of. I think it's harder for men to sustain close friendships so a brother could be a really important relationship. Whereas women often have lots of girlfriends. I have a sister and we aren't that close so you never know. And it's not all wrestling and fighting I'm way house (it's there) but my sons love to read and dress up and cook so we share lots of interests together. I am going to work on maintaining common interests forever because I think I can have a fulfilling lifelong relationships with my sons. But i do yearn to experience passing down my female experience to someone too, it's just not as all consuming of a desire as it once was.

Anyway, hugs to you. I'm sorry you're going through this. I actually share your belief that people who appear not to care what they have often get one of each. And I also think it's annoying. Try to take it day by day. I hope it gets better for you I think it will.

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I know it's crazy to worry about it already but I'm so scared there won't really be strong lifelong relationships with my sons. I feel like once they get married, they'll be too busy. My husband for example lives three hours from his parents and he barely calls them. I know he loves them, but maintaining relationships just doesn't seem like such a high priority to some men. His sisters on the other hand call their parents all the time. I just feel like I'm going to miss out on so much if I only have boys. I try to think of things we can enjoy together, but all I can picture is a lot of sports and video games in the future


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[lindz]

I'm so sorry you're feeling like this. Do you have access to any counselling?

I know what you mean about people that "don't care". A sort of friend went on and on about how she "didn't care as long as the baby was healthy", but now that she's getting a PP she mentions her "million dollar family" every time I see her.

I'm worried about being judged by a counselor. I feel like a lot of people don't understand what I'm feeling, especially someone who might have daughters of their own. I don't really want a lecture about how some people would give anything for a baby of any gender.


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[Complex Emotions]

...I'm so scared there won't really be strong lifelong relationships with my sons...I just feel like I'm going to miss out on so much if I only have boys. I try to think of things we can enjoy together, but all I can picture is a lot of sports and video games in the future

Yes, I've had a lot of the same thoughts you're having. Being on here and writing with other like-minded and supportive women has helped.

We've got some threads on this site that I hope might be useful for you. (Maybe you've seen them before, but just in case...)

This one is about that saying "A son is a son until he takes a wife"
This is one about boys and sports.
This is one about finding a counselor.