How do I stop blaming myself for my failed sway and feeling guilty that I should have tried harder?

[Kelbear]

Since finding out at our 12w NT scan that we are having another boy I can't stop feeling angry at myself for my failed sway. I thought we had a good chance at having a girl, thought my sway was pretty good but now feel so disappointed and so frustrated. I can't stop thinking that maybe if I had cut the cals back a bit more or exercised a bit more or used a different bd position then maybe things would have been different and my sway would have worked. I feel like I will never be able to forgive myself and come to terms with this and it is all my fault. I see so many others on here getting there desired gender and just feel like such a failure. Not sure why I ever thought I would be one of the lucky ones, should have realised I would be in the 20-30% of failed sways. Just still hurts so bad, even after 3 weeks to get my head around it. All my family and hubby's family are convinced this baby is a girl and so is hubby (he didn't see the nub pic and wants to wait to find out gender) so I can't even share this pain with him. I don't want him to be disappointed when bub is born as he has his heart set on a DD and it seems everyone around us it getting their pigeon pairs or desired genders. Just not sure how to move on from here and enjoy this pregnancy.

[Wantanother2017]

Please try and be kind to yourself. We cannot put that kind on weight on ourselves.
I've seen SO many women who live a classic boy friendly life spit out girl after girl, so who really knows anyway.

Just take it one day at a time. And be easy on yourself. You did the best you could do. And your little boy will not feel like a failure when he's here and in your arms. Rest in that fact.


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[ksmom]

I swayed pink for nearly a freaking YEAR and yet here I am rocking my little opposite in his cradle. I changed my whole lifestyle in the pursuit of a daughter. It's hard...so so so hard to go through swaying then find out it "failed." I use the word failed in quotation marks because really, is it truly a failure? I had three losses yet somehow I got a healthy baby at the end of it. I'm still scratching my head over that one. Don't get me wrong, I still wonder what if I had done xyz differently. I STILL beat myself up that I got pregnant the cycle before I was supposed to start Femara (which sways pink). So I totally get how you're feeling. It sucks when it seems like everyone else is getting their DG after swaying (and some not even swaying at all!) yet here we are getting boys after swaying pink. You will be hurting for awhile and it will be hard BUT it does get better with time. Just take it day by day and surround yourself with positivity as much as possible. Talk to someone you trust about your feelings so it doesn't eat away at you (I learned this the hard way). While I do believe swaying can and does work, it's also a roll of the dice and sometimes it doesn't go our way. It's okay to feel sad or angry about it. Just know that once you hold that little blue bundle in your arms, you'll wonder why you ever felt so sad. Seeing the bond between my boys brings me so much joy and I know it will for you too. *hugs*

[BabsNMK]

Kelbear I can relate. I think the percentage of fails is even higher than 20-30% so you aren't truly in such a minority as you think. I questioned everything too initially but then I realized, the majority of my friends didn't sway and have opposites. It really is random. I was so sad for a while, and still am, but I think around the month mark it improved. I don't cry daily anymore, just once in a while. I'm still not excited for him but I'm not dreading it as much. The one light at the end of the tunnel I look for is that I know how much I'll love HIM. I don't love the the idea of him right now but I will love him and he will never doubt that.

I've read some women say that when they've felt the baby move it makes it easier. I'm not sure. I will not be buying clothes to help me feel better because one of the benefits to having another boy is that I don't have to spend money on clothes. So that coping technique is not for me. But I think time is helping slightly and I wish the same for you. I actually started therapy with a woman who specializes in GD. It's making a dent in the pain because I was pretty low. So if you have the ability to just talk to someone who isn't family or who won't tell you Just to be grateful, maybe that will help.

[Kelbear]

Thank you wantanother, ksmom and babs for your support and understanding. I am trying to focus on the positive that my DS and his little brother will probably grow up to be best buddies as they will only be 21 months apart in age. I love my DS so much, he is the kindest, most loving happy little guy and I should be over the moon to find out I am having another boy, I am just sad I will never have a little girl. I am still struggling when I hear of friends having girls or see mums out with their pigeon pairs but I hope that will get easier in time. I am trying not to blame myself but still struggling with that and regret that I maybe could have done something differently. I have bought a few nice newborn boy onesies as my DS was a late spring baby and this bub will be winter so I don't have too many newborn winter things so that has helped a little too. I can't really talk to family about how I am feeling as we are not telling anyone the gender and my hubby doesn't even know for sure if the baby is a boy or girl so I can't even share this with him as he would prefer to wait. I tried telling my mum I thought the baby was a boy (didn't say how I knew) and tried to talk to her about how I felt but she said I should just be grateful the baby was healthy so it just made me feel more guilty for feeling this way. Thank you all for letting me share my feelings with you without judgement and thank you for the support. I hope you can all heal slowly too and enjoy your beautiful bubs. I know I will be overjoyed when I meet him but in the meantime it is a long journey to accept and heal.

[atomic sagebrush]

Getting a sway opposite is NOT a failure on anyone's part. Swaying just can't be 100% or the whole human race would have died out a long time ago. All it is is just random luck - we sway to get the best chance we can and then what will be will be. It never comes down to something like BD position or a cheat here and there.

I'm sorry it didn't go your way, Kel.

[Kelbear]

Thanks atomic, in my heart I know it was meant to turn out the way it has for some reason and I know swaying is not 100% and you have been very clear on that. I appreciate all your advice and the advice of all the ladies on this site. I gave it my best shot and I was just meant to have another boy I suppose. Thank you for putting my mind at ease that changing a few little things really wouldn't have made a difference. I know I will love this new little man more than anything once he arrives.

[ChezIBY]

Hey,
Can't really offer personal experience, but.. well, you sound really heartbroken I really hope you'll feel better soon. If I may - please please please don't beat yourself up!!! Or feel guilty about your feelings!! We can't control our feelings so easily (otherwise everyone would be an expert on diplomacy and we'd never have clashes or stupid fights or anything like that), therefore it isn't your fault that you feel that way right now!! and yes, the others are probably right that it is best to talk to someone you can trust outside the immediate circle of family. This I can relate to - my family love me to bits, to be sure, but our family, especially our parents, are sometimes too close to us to see the big picture and tell us what we need to hear, you see what I mean? Your Mom definitely wanted to make you feel better and stop feeling hurt, but unintentionally made you feel guilty; but if you find the good person to talk to, they will find the words that will help you heal.
Please take care