Originally Posted by
netti02
A copy of my letter ladies. Ill illustrate in a covering letter concerns of depression, post natal depression etc that the council should consider also. Im going to email this next week. Ill also be writing additionally a follow up regarding the councils decisions etc
My first thoughts of having a family started somewhere when I was a child and in my teens. Thoughts of names I liked and where I wanted to live. How you want to build a life with a future partner, raising sons and daughters. The names I like and where I want to live changed with time, however the dream of raising sons and daughters has always remained a constant. My journey in motherhood began in 2005 when I had my first son. I was excited to be able to give my then fiancé a son, to share wonderful experiences and a bond for life. I often thought about future children and had high hopes a daughter would be able to join us at a later date as it had always been a dream of mine since I could remember. I began tertiary studies the following year after he was born and life became busy for a while. A diagnosis and some poor recommendation from a health specialist, seen us expecting our second baby in August of 2008. I remember feeling extremely anxious in the lead up to the anatomy ultrasound as me and my fiancé had only discussed having two children. I felt the pressure from society to have the ‘pigeon pair’, with many constantly asking me if we knew what we were having. We were told during the anatomy scan we were having a boy. Everything appeared well and whilst that was a relief, I remember the sadness I felt that my dream was finally over. Telling people we were expecting another boy was laced with apprehension as I felt I had to do my best to hide my disappointment in that I would never have a daughter. People would always add comments though, such as ‘next time it will be a girl’, ‘at least you can reuse all those clothes’, and while they thought they were being helpful with their comments, they didn’t realise how detrimental they actually were. Life became busier again as I finished my degree, began working and saving for our first home. The boys were getting older and growing up quickly with one getting ready for big school. We finally got married in 2012 on our 10th anniversary. At the time I was working in a large, metropolitan hospital and struggling with shift work and the kids. In October 2012 I changed jobs to a more stabilised roster and worked regular, permanent night shifts at a large residential aged care facility. This allowed that dream to flutter to the surface again and a brand new hope blossomed of that dream finally coming true. Not long after we were married, we were due in November 2013. I remember all too well the anxiety that bubbled up again and started to take hold and consume me. I started paying more attention to the family dynamics around me when I was out. I would see a family of 2 boys and a girl and hold out hope. I’d also see the mum of 3 boys and my heart would be in knots. We went to our anatomy scan holding onto this hope like a lifeline. I was already dreading the comments if we were having another boy. Not long through our scan I could see the telltale boy signs without even being told. My heart dropped. Having any more kids after this meant a bigger car, a bigger house, so this was it. I didn’t acknowledge my feelings of gender disappointment at this time. I swallowed them, for fear of being judged and ridiculed. I made sure I smiled when people commented, like it didn’t matter and I wasn’t bothered. I listened to people tell me over and over ‘as long as it’s healthy’, ‘think of all the money you will save’, ‘at least you know what to do with a boy’, ‘at least you won’t have to worry about a girl in the teenage years’, like these words were meant to offer some comfort. They didn’t realise how wrong they were. After our son was born in November, there was a questionable age difference between him and my second son. My second son was about to start school in 2014 and I started thinking how the youngest might become lonely and need a friend which fuelled the possibility that this time, it would be a girl. We found out we were due in February 2015. All the anxieties crept back and were in full force when we found out it was another boy. We faced the same comments that felt like they were on repeat and I bravely smiled through them all even though my heart was breaking. The thing that kept me strong was a little flicker of hope deep in my heart that my dream still may come true one day. That’s when an enormous amount of guilt started to weave in with the anxiety and I turned to emotional eating to comfort my heart. I talked to no one of how I felt, too ashamed, too angry, too guilty and heartbroken, I kept it all inside, even from my husband. We purchased a new car and after some consideration approached a real estate about selling as the market at the time was favourable. A few weeks before we were due, the house was on the market. We sold a week before I gave birth and purchased a new home a few weeks later. We would learn that our son had congenital hearing loss. Whilst initially shocked and in disbelief, we were determined to ensure the best for him. The comments continued, ‘will you try for a girl next’, ‘next time it will be a girl’, ‘you need to have a girl’ and ‘think of all the money and trouble you will save’. Once again people believed these words offered some form of comfort yet they couldn’t be more wrong. After settling into the new house, I started researching the internet to find some hope as I was all out. I found information suggesting different diets, positions, timing and supplements. Not 100% convinced, I also had a few psychic readings. It was during this time I found a safe place online to discuss my feelings and it was refreshing being able to talk with others about a desire for a son or daughter without ridicule and hearing the same, repetitive comments. Hope started to build again in my heart but the bigger problem was convincing my husband. Sometime during the middle of 2015, I finally broke down and told him everything. It wasn’t just another child I hoped for, but a daughter. He understood completely how I felt yet he was understandingly apprehensive. From the financial aspects and the fact our last son was born with a congenital issue were his biggest fears. He too started mentioning about the comments from others which truthfully, hadn’t ever really stopped. (I struggle to this day to understand how people can be so intrusive with questions into other people’s reproductive lives. If we want to share that information we will, without having to ask). We found out we were expecting in July 2016. Once again the anxiety peaked in full force, laced with guilt, depression and a little hope. Something about this pregnancy felt different though. I had high hopes this was it, it was finally our daughter, so much so that I even purchased some girl items. The comments continued yet smiling and acting nonchalant was getting harder and harder. At our early ultrasound, once again without being told, I could see in fact it was boy number 5. Not crying in that ultrasound room was the hardest thing. To keep smiling through the scan knowing my heart was breaking was the hardest. The guilt hit after that. The self-berating. The comfort eating. Then I waited for all the comments and as expected, they came. It wasn’t just about gender now, it was the number of children too. The comment I took the hardest during that pregnancy was ‘a son is a son till he takes him a wife, a daughter is a daughter all of her life’. I’ve never hated a saying as much in all my life. I tried to be happy after he was born. Tried to talk my ovaries into retirement. Tried to forget just how much my heart ached and longed for our daughter. Tried to convince myself anymore kids was a car upgrade- everyone else reminded us that we would need a bus. (I should have reminded them how they need filters, or lives or superglue, maybe their own business…..). The comments continued, ‘Are you pregnant?’, ‘Will you have anymore?’ or ‘Will you try for a girl’. People didn’t understand how much my husband and I were hurting. How much I was trying to process my feelings and move on. One night we had friends over. The female mentioned to her partner to ensure that ‘He doesn’t do that to her’, in reference of me having 5 boys. I had to take a breather at that moment and spend 5 minutes in the toilet crying to myself, feeling like a failure and some inadequate female because I didn’t have a daughter- surely there are worse things in this world. I found the easiest way to manage this was avoidance. Social outings abolished. Family events eradicated. The way to protect my heart was to not go out and get it trampled on at all. I begged my husband with ******s of tears coming from my eyes, just one last time. Hope crept back in from another psychic prediction, a different method to try. I didn’t tell anyone we were having another baby, not until we at least knew what we were having, protecting my heart was my priority. We got our ‘bus’, one less thing for people to mention to us. This pregnancy started to feel different, I started to feel a little hopeful. We had an early ultrasound booked at 14 weeks. It was early however I couldn’t take the anxiety any longer and gender would only be confirmed if 100% certain. I hoped with everything I would finally hear something different in that ultrasound room, finally I would be able to shut people up once and for all. After baby being a little tricky, the technician stated it was a boy. Once again the struggle to hold my emotions and remain composed during the scan was becoming too much. A few tears escaped, could be easily mistaken for tears of joy, not of loss. My breaths started coming faster and ragged for what felt like a panic attack. I looked over at my husband and could see the sadness and disappointment on his face. I cried for 2 days after that. I cried like I had lost someone. Somewhere between there and now, I’ve picked myself up, tried to take a day at a time. Tried to process my feelings, validate them as real and meaningful despite what others might think. I’ve skirted around the issue of the baby’s gender with the few that know, not confirming, just that we think it’s a boy. Unlike other times, there’s been no special social media post about our new arrival on the way. Just silence. I didn’t realise the lengths I would need to go to, to protect my own heart from people who I thought I could believe in and trust. What should be a special time in our lives is spoiled from the rude comments of others, whether it be the child’s gender or the number of children we do have. After he is born the comments will come. From all we’ve heard before including, ‘better give up now’, ‘another boy’, ‘going for a football team’, ‘People will think you’re on welfare’ and ‘better tie a knot in it now’. I’m sure there will be people still offering their ‘wisdom’ of what to try for a girl. The best part is, come April, I’ll have a lovely newborn son to cuddle and raise along with his brothers. I’ll always hold onto hope my dream will come true, for what is life without a dream, without hope. Until then, I’ll hold my head high, raise handsome, caring sons and not pay attention to the ignorance of others.
Mamma to 6 boys, dreaming of pink one day
Hello, Atomic hopefully you will see this! It has definitely been a while. I am not TTC, my cycles have been MIA for over a year, I'm quite certain. I have not been charting but haven't had it....
Not sure where to ask not TTC