Maternal Dominance Hypothesis and Priviledged Daughter Hypothesis

[atomic sagebrush]

This has been a really interesting line of thought Atomic. I appreciate how hard a job it must be to not offend when you are putting thoughts down like that. Given what you've said about controlling tendencies in mothers being counter balanced by having boys, I'm curious as to what your thoughts are on the reserve, having lots of girls? Is it that relaxed "what will be will be" type mothers need less "wild" children who are less likely to break everything and kill themselves?

Honestly, I think it is that we are freaks and you guys are normal.

Only slightly kidding.

I'm going to set aside the biological element here (which is that couples who are lower in fertility have girls regardless of personality stuff) to talk about JUST personality. Goes without saying that this is much more complex than this because of the fertility/condition angle.

And also please keep in mind that most families do end up with at least one boy and one girl in the mix so it is not really good to overthink any of this since it's pretty clear that everyone can have/raise both boys and girls successfully.

By and large the all girl parents I know are either total disasters (very few and nearly all in real life) or else awesome, great, fully functional women who are very successful and their success is seemingly effortless. I find that far, far, far more girl moms fall into the latter category - like the Sloane category - meaning that you have girls because you make great girls and something in your environment is sending you that signal that girls are a fantastic choice for you (and yes, I am writing an essay on this too, I'm going to get this thread finished if it kills me LOL).

Call it laid back or whatever, girls can thrive in your care, unlike in MY care, where I wonder very much if I'd have driven a girl crazy with my control freak ways had my boys not worn me down first. It's not you, it's me, LOL.

So NO, I don't think it is that you can't handle boys, I think it's just that you are so good at girls that some magic happens and you have them. I don't want you to focus on the tiny, tiny percentage of people who ~may~ (MAY, entirely speculative) get girls because they can't handle a wild and crazy, into everything boy because the lion's share of all-girl families get all girls because they do a great job of raising them. That's all.

[Greydore]

Love your perspective, Atomic. I will say that most parents have expectations, hopes and dream for their kids regardless of gender. My parents had 4 girls. I grew up upper middle class and my dad envisioned us marrying very wealthy and being strong conservative Catholics. I’m an atheist liberal, my sis is fairly agnostic, my third sister passed away, and my youngest sister is 13 and so far is still very Catholic. My sis and I both married men who are hardworking and provide well, but are by no means wealthy. I notice that so many women want the ‘mother-daughter bond’ but I think that’s more rare than most think. We get along very well, but we aren’t best friends like so many women wish for with their daughters. I think we as parents could learn to relax SO much more when we realize that we really don’t have as much influence over our kids as we realize. I have a friend with 13 kids (8 boys, 5 girls). She’s the first to say that kids are born with their personalities and not much we do can change that (barring abuse). Sorry I know this is getting way off topic, I just enjoy conversations like this


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[trifecta]

I completely know that and I apologize for using your post as a jumping off point for something that you were not even implying or thinking. Sometimes I will see a post that triggers me to talk about something I've been pondering in my head anyway and this was one of those times.

No worries, I figured it was just a topic you had been thinking about.

[trifecta]

I have a friend with 13 kids (8 boys, 5 girls). She’s the first to say that kids are born with their personalities and not much we do can change that (barring abuse).


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I think parents have an influence over their children (although often it isn't the kind of influence we intend) but I think the old saying that no two children grow up in the same family is also accurate because of birth order, sibling relationships, family events (jobs, financial changes, moves, illness, death) etc.

[frankie2017]

Just throwing this randomly in here but related to comments a way back - I’m reading “Raising Boys” by Steve Biddulph at the moment and it is so fascinating reading about some of the actual differences between boys and girls and the phases boys go through related to testosterone surges at different times etc. highly recommend it !!


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[frankie2017]

Frankie I’m 10 weeks along with our third. I didn’t sway but I love the community here so I sticking around

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Hey congrats !! That’s awesome news. Are
You going to find out gender or wait til birth? I keep thinking next time I’d wait til birth as The 3rd would certainly be our last so what’s it matter Etc



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[Greydore]

Thank you Frankie! I actually did the not finding out til birth thing with my oldest and didn’t like it. I didn’t bond with him at all during pregnancy, and the ‘surprise’ wasn’t worth it. We found out at 17 weeks with our second and I loved that. I bonded with him enjoyed picturing myself with two sons, my oldest having a little brother, etc. So we will definitely be finding out this time!


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[frankie2017]

Cool I’ll be stalking you to see what you’re having !


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[Spunky]

When I first read this I went through a cycle of desperation, despair, anger and then then hopefulness before going through all the emotions again. My second reading was much easier, and in fact, actually left me pretty hopeful! I know we are not suppose to have a list of things to do to be less Martha, but I believe realizing my inner anxiety and need for control will help me let go, so journaling about it after the fact is more helpful and harmful. Plus I have a bit before my official 12w before TTCing starts, so journaling and processing should be still "safe" either way! lol

1. I am a a SAHM so my control freak comes out at home. I am a bit OCD about floors. My blood starts to boil when our main area is not swept. I sweep and suddenly I can manage normal interactions again This week I have been sitting on the not recently swept floor and playing with my kiddos. If by the time we move on the the next thing, I can actually say I was playing and not thinking about the floors in the deep dark recesses of my mind, I let myself sweep. I have now moved from sweeping 5x a day to 2x a day and with only 1 "OMGosh this floor is horrible moment!" Plus, I usually smile at myself at least once for noticing a dirty floor and not jumping up to clean it. Next step is is being OK with the roomba cleaning and not needing to do it myself. I don't know why, but it is cathartic to do the actual sweeping. OK, I do know why. It makes me feel in control.

2. My boys only have a few weeks left of school. We revamped their chore chart like we do every summer. My oldest are 6 and 7 and I realized they don't know how to sweep. So guess what? Now one sweeps the kitchen daily (I never do unless I spill something) and the other one does the bathroom. I am still pointing out how they miss spots so they can learn, but am actually OK with their level clean. I also decided besides their every day chore, I have given them 2 daily chores. Once again, we are trying new things and I am ok with their abilities.

3. I wanted to do a big rummage sale this year because of organizing and cleaning up our storage room. I wanted complete control. We are having it at my ILs and so my husband ended up taking over. When I brought the idea up, the plan was for me to go up with our littles and clean up and set everything out leading up to it. As it turns out, my husband took it upon himself to do it. He wrote the ad up without my input and left a great many details out. Guess what? No fussing from me because this is the HUGE sale of the year and all you really need is to have your address listed and people will flock. He cleaned up fish tanks and dog kennels, he is researching prices for name brand things. He is doing 95% of the work! Just call me Mary because I feel no guilt about this at all even though his birthday was Tuesday!

4. Speaking of birthdays, I asked someone, not related to us, to watch my two littles so I could take DH out to eat without kids. It has been 3 or more years since we had a babysitter. Our last sitter was too meek to handle our 3 and 4yos so I did not have anxiety of their safety as much as the sitter's sanity. lol. I am happy to report our 2 and 4yo where calm, well behaved and gave this sitter a good many laughs. I'm already looking for a saturday to try out another baby sitter!

5. I volunteer at our local bargain shop. There was an issue. People complained. A new policy went into effect. I might have been at the trigger of the issue, but did not actually do anything wrong. Some people just like to complain when they don't get catered to and have to follow rules. The old me would have anxiety up the wazoo. I struggled off and on, mostly off, for 2 days with feeling like it was all my fault. Then my work day arrived and within an hour of being there and having that sinking feeling in my stomach, something clicked. I did not need to feel bad I bought vases that someone else wanted. (yes, it was this petty. I saw and bought some majorly cute vases first.) If they are raising a stink, it is because something is lacking in their life, not mine. I am the one volunteering my 6 hours a week so that they can find great deals. I am allowed some great finds of my own. I can't remember the last time something this "dramatic" went down and I was able to think about it without the heavy, sinking feeling. It is a whole new world for me!

6. My husband use to take the boys for a walk so I could clean. I loved the peace and actually getting things done. Now, the house stays dirty and I join in on the fun! Of course, now I am working on relaxing with my 4yo as he learns to rules of going on a family walk. (why don't you have an emoji for pulling your hair out?! lol) On a positive note, I delegate better now. When the 4yo lags too far behind or forgets to walk near the curb, his punishment is to go hold DH's hand for a few blocks.



All in all, what I have learned is to listen to the inner reason for doing things. Does working on this project, cleaning up after someone, or organizing this closet make me angry or frustrated? Do I blame my need to do this on a person? Then I stop doing it! I am learning to walk away or desensitize myself when I come across things like this. Will it be enough for me to get a girl? Who knows. At least I am in love with my boy name pick, Ezra Lysander! lol I might, just might, be a little sad if we don't get to use it.

[atomic sagebrush]

We do, LOL!!

Yes people do often hate this series of essays at first.

I understand that you are thinking "well this alleviates anxiety for me so it must be good" but this is NOT GOOD for your sway. You are putting way too much thought into it. It is like a ritualistic way of alleviating anxiety and making you feel like you're in control of something that is inherently uncontrollable. It's fine because we are far out from your TTC time now but I do still see this as a problematic endeavor.

1)I see this as keeping swaying on your mind constantly and setting up a reward situation that gives you a little boost whenever you succeed at something sway related. This carrot-stick approach is the same behavior whether it takes the form of "if I test my pH 20 times a day I'll be guaranteed a girl" or "if I don't sweep the floor, then that's proof I am not being a control freak and I'll be guaranteed a girl". It is the same exact thing so please just sweep the floor if that is your normal routine.

2)I think it's great that you are teaching the kids to sweep but again, I am seeing this as a problematic mindset as setting up rituals that you can do and feel like you're helping your sway in some way.

3)This is solid. good job on this.

4)Getting out and about is a good idea, keep busy doing things other than swaying, just don't think of it as "wow I did something to really help my sway!"

5) This process gets easier over time. I still have to remind myself of this reality that others are gonna do what they're gonna do and all I can control is me myself and I. But do try to frame this as "I am becoming a happier and more well adjusted person by learning to let go" and less that it's a successful milestone for your sway. I know it's hard to wrap your brain around but it really does make a difference.

6)Also good just like going out to dinner is. Keep busy doing anything else other than sitting around thinking about swaying. Don't sweat being uptight about your son misbehaving on the walk. Regular day to day life stuff is unavoidable. What we are really trying to avoid here is things that are not necessary to day to day life. Sweeping the floor and walking with your child is necessary. Tracking your pH on a color coded chart - not neccesary. Do the things that are necessary, relax on the things that are not, and don't just substitute in stressing over swaying with stressing over "stress" ("If I play with the kids on the dirty floor, I'll reward myself with sweeping" don't do that).

I do love your name too!! It was funny when I finally got my girl after 4 boys, it took us literally till she was born to pick a name...I didn't like ANYTHING! Nothing felt special enough, I guess. But I saw like 10 more boy names and I was like "oh gosh how sad I can't use those!"