Decision time! Should we have another baby?

[MiaMelb]

Hi everyone, I'm interested in everyone's thoughts or experiences on having another baby after you thought you were 'done'.

I've come from a largish family (4 kids ranging over 17 years) which was never that close and in wanting to create a tight knit family I've always only wanted two kids in fairly quick succession. I also thought this would work best for our family given our circumstances financially and the fact we have very limited family help where we are. Anyway so I've followed the plan and have had two amazing girls. Their budding friendship makes me smile every day. However I am really really drawn to having a son and hence I've ended up here!

I tried to convince myself immediately post DD2 that we were 'done' as per the plan. I gave away almost all of our newborn clothes and toys and started making space. However after a couple of months and when it has come to getting rid of any bigger ticket baby items I haven't been able to and have started storing them in the attic. I gave myself 18-24 months post DD2 to decide if my desire for a boy was enough for us to go back and have a third (I first decided on an acceptable age gap given our circumstances and worked from there). I'm now 15 months post DD2 and it's getting close to decision time. I've got the mirena in and will be swaying blue so want a good 6 months between taking it out and ttc. I'm so indecisive right now and that's so unlike me.

Which leads me back to my original question. What are your thoughts or experiences on having more kids than you 'thought' you always wanted? I'm extremely happy with my two girls and am scared of interfering with something that is already so amazing.

[LMSM]

Mia – I had similar thoughts – for similar (no family here so no support whatsoever, living in Aus is so expensive, kids are close in age and have a great relationship etc) and different reasons (I always wanted more than 2 though – and my concern is to have another girl, would I be able to consider myself “done” then or would the desire for a son supersede that?)… for a moment, because DH was reluctant to start too soon, I was in the view that would be it, if not now, it would not happen full stop (he wanted more but wanted to wait until DD1 was 5), I started selling stuff and decided that is it now, let’s just enjoy these two miracles.
But the heart wants what it wants, and after letting it go for a while, DH actually agreed to go ahead – with a chance to have the family I wanted, we decided the desire for another child was strong enough to take the plunge. Yes, I do worry if that “balance” will be upset by another kid – it will be in some way, but necessarily for the worse. I already worried about our family dynamics when expecting #2 anyways – I think that you have to determine what is the most important – have ather child, or the chance for a son you may not get if the sway doesn’t work?
I was worried about a 3rd girl, for fear of wanting to try again and again – but I came to terms with that and IF we one day want a 4th, it will be regardless of if #3 is a girl or boy.
Sorry probably doesn’t help you much just thoughts thrown out there lol

[ELP]

I keep toying with this myself, it is very hard to make a final decision on I think in both of your situations wanting 3 or 4 children is still well within the manageable situation, the children will happily share rooms without being overcrowded, clothes are mostly passed on, you can still use your existing car or upgrade slightly to one of the more readily available 6 or 7 seaters. Food is just 'Another spud in the pan'

Would your DH's be prepared to go in for the snip? If the decision for family size is taken out of your hands then it may make things easier. Have a chat with them, say 'I would really like 4 children, but I have such strong desires I may not actually be finished there' and see if they volunteer to take the decision for you

[charlie2016]

I thought I was done after having 2 kids mainly cause my husband did not want anymore. I tried convincing him as I come from a family of 3 kids and that's what I was used to. In the end he gave in and I got pregnant, once I got what I wanted I started to panic and wasn't quite sure anymore - same as you I thought why change something which is great, 2 kids are manageable, each parent can sort one out, we had the perfect routine everything finally fell into place. But then my third one was born and you know it was fine, the workload did not triple and it was perfectly manageable! He is the cutest and they all get on well, of course they bicker and wind each other up but if one is not there they ask for each other and they help each other. It is really nice to see.

I am now expecting my 4th one, not quite planned ) ... I am a bit scared but hoping it will all fall into place after a while as well. Getting the snip though after this, no more ).

Good luck with your decision. Remember another baby is always a blessing.

[SoFullofHope]

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[MiaMelb]

Mia – I had similar thoughts – for similar (no family here so no support whatsoever, living in Aus is so expensive, kids are close in age and have a great relationship etc) and different reasons (I always wanted more than 2 though – and my concern is to have another girl, would I be able to consider myself “done” then or would the desire for a son supersede that?)… for a moment, because DH was reluctant to start too soon, I was in the view that would be it, if not now, it would not happen full stop (he wanted more but wanted to wait until DD1 was 5), I started selling stuff and decided that is it now, let’s just enjoy these two miracles.
But the heart wants what it wants, and after letting it go for a while, DH actually agreed to go ahead – with a chance to have the family I wanted, we decided the desire for another child was strong enough to take the plunge. Yes, I do worry if that “balance” will be upset by another kid – it will be in some way, but necessarily for the worse. I already worried about our family dynamics when expecting #2 anyways – I think that you have to determine what is the most important – have ather child, or the chance for a son you may not get if the sway doesn’t work?
I was worried about a 3rd girl, for fear of wanting to try again and again – but I came to terms with that and IF we one day want a 4th, it will be regardless of if #3 is a girl or boy.
Sorry probably doesn’t help you much just thoughts thrown out there lol

Thanks for your thoughts LMSM. You are right that over time thoughts and feelings about being 'done' seem to change. I know DH will reluctantly agree to a third if I want to. The idea of 3 girls scares me for a few reasons, though I know they are all silly given how amazing my girls to date are.

[MiaMelb]

I thought I was done after having 2 kids mainly cause my husband did not want anymore. I tried convincing him as I come from a family of 3 kids and that's what I was used to. In the end he gave in and I got pregnant, once I got what I wanted I started to panic and wasn't quite sure anymore - same as you I thought why change something which is great, 2 kids are manageable, each parent can sort one out, we had the perfect routine everything finally fell into place. But then my third one was born and you know it was fine, the workload did not triple and it was perfectly manageable! He is the cutest and they all get on well, of course they bicker and wind each other up but if one is not there they ask for each other and they help each other. It is really nice to see.

I am now expecting my 4th one, not quite planned ) ... I am a bit scared but hoping it will all fall into place after a while as well. Getting the snip though after this, no more ).

Good luck with your decision. Remember another baby is always a blessing.

Oh wow congrats on your pregnancy Charlie. Can i ask if you've got boys or girls or noth to date? Are you going team green this time?

Agreed that the sky will not fall in if we do have a third (and it's an opposite) we will adapt and change our perspective and find a new normal. Self doubt about our decisions, particularly if they are not completely mutual will always be in the back of the mind.

[MiaMelb]

Dear MiaMelb,

This is just my very personal opinion but I think that, if you're toying with the idea of having another baby, basically, you'd like to have one, and the fact that you're holding on to the older ones' clothes seems to prove my point.

I don't know how old you are but, personally, I'd say go for it: Nothing in life is lovelier than having kids, a big family, one day being a granny to lots of little ones :-)

They say that, when looking back on your life, you regret things that you didn't do much more than those which you did and went pear-shaped :-P And having another baby can never really be something bad anyway, can it? 0:-)

But then again, I'm biased: I've only got one baby and I'm dying for more but am almost too old :'-( I always wanted to have five, now I can count myself lucky if it works out with two at all. I hugely regret not having started earlier so that I could have had more children. That's why I'd say go for it, girl!
But then again, I don't know the exact circumstances... Have you tried discussing this with any of your friends who can judge things better? Or would you rather not talk to them?

I know you are right, I wouldn't keep things and be thinking about it if I didn't really intend on going through with it.

I also totally agree that nothing could be better than watching the bonds develop between siblings and the idea of one day being a grandma to lots of little ones aome day.

I like to think I've still got a few good years on my side before conceiving would become more tricky so not quick feeling the ticking clock thankfully.

I did mention my desire for a boy to a couple of friends (both 2 girl families) after DD2. They were kind and both let me babble a little and I feel not judge me particularly for it but I'm not sure I'd bring it up again. I haven't been able to gleen from any of my friends in real life that they share my experience with GD.

Thanks for your thoughts. GL with your journey and I hope there is more kids in your future.

[0TriSarahTops0]

My midwife told me she talks to more women who regret not having more children than women who wished they had less children.

I know that's not always the case and there are many aspects to the decision, but personally, if I don't get my dream gender I would still love adding another little one to our family .


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[hannahptrussell]

Oh my gosh. Your post could literally be exactly from me. It is crazy how similar our stories are! However, I have 4. Always said 4. My husband wanted 4. And now here I am thinking that I can't let go of that desire to try for one more girl for my oldest. I will say, with each child, that love only grows. They love each other and it is so fun to watch them. I honestly think if you can't 100% say that you are done, then you'll always question why you didn't go for it!


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