Some super nosey, personal HT questions

[Trike3]

I have some nosey HT questions.

Anyone regret doing it?
Anyone regret NOT doing it?

Anyone go HT for #2?

Anyone have negative feelings after going HT? Like, feeling jealous that you felt you had to go to such an extreme to get what you wanted, while it comes "easy" to others?

Would you ever tell your HT LO how they were conceived?

Did you/would you keep it a secret from everyone? And pretend to still be surprised at your anatomy scan?

[nuthinbutpink]

I think I can answer all of these.

Regret doing it?
No. Even after I had a cancelled cycle and a BFN, I never regretted doing it. That never even crossed my mind. I was sad and frustrated but regret was never part of the equation.

I did not and would not have gone HT for #2 because I wanted more than 2 kids. 2 children is not my ideal but for many it is so I think the decision as to when to go HT is hugely personal and if you have leftover embryos, you could always go back for them if you decide to expand your family beyond 2.

Feeling jealous- No. I really don't care what anyone else's family makeup is. Lots of things in life come easy to others that I struggle with so I would spend all day green with envy if I lived like that.

Would I tell- No. I did not discuss how my 3 DD's were conceived with them or anyone else so it really doesn't seem like I need to tell DS or anyone else how he was conceived. There is no medical reason to do so.

I have kept it a secret from everyone. Only DH and I know about the IVF. I did not tell anyone that we were pregnant until I had the pictures from the NT scan and he looked like a boy with those pictures. After that, I went to an elective place at 16 weeks to "confirm" so I could move on with the pregnancy without all of the comments, etc. He was celebrated early on.

I'll say this about the "secret"- I think it's much easier to tell people- your mom, best friend, sister, etc than it is to keep it to yourself and tell nobody. IF you choose to tell, it is a HUGE thing to lay on someone and I guarantee you that they will turn around and eventually tell someone else. It's just too big of a secret. So, if you tell one person, you have to assume at some point, the rest of your family, etc. will know. It's much harder to keep it to yourself because it is a huge secret to take to the grave. There was just no reason to tell in my case. We did not need help with childcare, I don't have to worry about how it could mentally impact my girls and I don't have to listen to what anyone has to say about it. Was it hard to go through it alone? Yes but I had this community to support me and that was enough for me. No judgement here. Just support.

I mostly kept the process a secret because that was the one thing my DH said from day one- he did not want to tell so I honored his wishes. I am not ashamed of the fact that I did it- I am actually quite proud of the fact that I was smart enough to find out that it was possible to have a child this way! I tell my DH all the time that he married someone that is much more resourceful than most and there is rarely a problem that I cannot figure out a way to solve! I think going HT was an intelligent, mature decision. I had a problem, a need and I found a solution.

[Trike3]

Awesome! Thanks for the response!

[Pink rose 76]

Gosh! I think NBP has summed it all up. I haven't been successful yet but still do not regret any of it. I am going for another try this year and that will be my third cycle.

I feel like you have to give a go. I wud have kicked myself if I hadn't have tried all I cud to get my little girl and I'm still fighting. The only thing is I think you do learn a lot from this forum and with each cycle. So sometimes you can be lucky first time, but then you may have a bad cycle like I did and things need tweeking.

I have never told anyone but my hubby and like NBP said I think I feel safer with just us knowing. Secrets never stay secrets for long. you make friends in here, who I hope to stay friends with for a long time and share our HT journeys and see our babies grow. I don't think I would have been able to crack on so quickly after my failed cycle without the fantastic support of everyone on here. I wish you good luck whatever you decide.

Pink xx

[atomic sagebrush]

There are some people out there who do regret doing it. I think most of them leave the boards and don't come back, so I do want to mention it.

[lemonade]

Atomic, were those who regretted HT unsuccessful, or did it work for them but they regretted it for some other reason?

[Trike3]

Lemonade, good question. I'm curious myself. I could imagine that HT is stressful on the relationship. Maybe some regret it because of that?
Rather than speculating, I'd love to know more, but fully respect their desire for privacy/secrecy.

[nuthinbutpink]

I am sure that most that regret it did not succeed. That sounds like a pretty normal reaction. Regret about the money spent, regret about the missed opportunity, regret about trying too many times.

I think there are some that try and try and spend way too much money on this. If you get to the point where you are borrowing money that you cannot/will not be able to pay back, that's going too far and will lead to regret.

I think that the number of attempts directly correlates to the amount of regret one may feel. If you do this once or twice, assuming you have the funds available, that's one thing. If you are trying 3,4,5 times, borrowing money or going into debt to force this to happen, that impacts your family, your relationship and will lead to regret.

It will be one of the most stressful things you will ever go through as a couple. It is very expensive and the emotional toll can be grueling. I can't even imagine what the International gals go through. I simply drove 15 minutes down the road to appointments. Crossing oceans, traveling for days doesn't even come close to what I did and I am sure it makes a huge impact.

How you handle the ups and downs will determine how this affects your relationship. If you freak out, go to pieces all the time at each little step, I am sure your DH will not handle that well and will be more inclined to regret having ever agreed to do this. If you can keep it together, stick to the facts, men handle that much better.

If you succeed, there will be no regret. If you do not succeed, I think it depends on how far you went with finances as to whether your relationship and your head are impacted by your choices.

I'm not sure if regret is the right word. It may be that people are actually feeling guilty for starting this and taking it too far.

[Kittybear]

I guess it is one of those things where you have to ask yourself 'in 20 years time, will I regret it more having tried (and maybe failed) or NOT to have tried at all?' and I think that the question stands whether the individual succeeds or not. I think for me NOT trying ht (and knowing it exists) would end up being a massive regret.

You could sway and end up with your DG for your next child, or not sway and just get that DG anyway, or sway and get an opposite. No one knows. Only with HT are you assured of the gender. I have seen on the members board having followed many members' cycle stickies that just because you choose this ht path it is a very stressful journey that is not assured HOWEVER the pay off is when you read how happy those members are when preggy with their ht baby and when they finally get to meet them. I hope I get to experience that type of happiness 1 day. Good luck with your decision xx

[atomic sagebrush]

Atomic, were those who regretted HT unsuccessful, or did it work for them but they regretted it for some other reason?

NO one who had success ever really regrets it. But there are many people out there who didn't get their DG, many times with some pretty heartbreaking stories and it's like a financial bomb went off that is very difficult to recover from.