If it fails, is the disappointment WORSE than gender disappointment?

[lemonade]

Thank you everyone for your perspectives.

LacePrincess, I thought about that too... the huge investment in time and energy would make it all the more devastating. It can add up to years out of your life if it doesn't work first time.

I already know what an emotional rollercoaster it is to have miscarriages, waiting to try again, finally getting a BFP only to spend weeks terrified it wouldn't "stick" (And it didn't, 3 times in a row). It was torture. And worst of all I couldn't think of anything else during that time. I was miserable, worse than I'd ever been in my life. I'm worried it would be even WORSE after having invested $$$$$ into it too.

If only first time success rates were higher to justify the cost as well as the huge time investment, both physically and emotionally.

[1+2+3boys]

It certainly would be an expensive MC and that worries me too and I have only had one. MC rates are much lower with IVF though aren't they because they use the best embryo of the bunch. Something you can not do when TTC natrually.

[LacePrincess]

It certainly would be an expensive MC and that worries me too and I have only had one. MC rates are much lower with IVF though aren't they because they use the best embryo of the bunch. Something you can not do when TTC natrually.

Well it's *supposed* to be much better with PGD. IVF without PGD is still a crapshoot whether you get an actual viable embryo.

They say that with PGD, if you get the transfer it should stick, at least 70% of the time. But that still leaves 3/10 that don't stick, and I'm not sure I believe even that.....so far just around this forum there have been 4-6 chemicals that I've noticed, and that's only since Oct. So even with a fully tested embryo sometimes they just don't stick and no one knows why.

So yeah, all that money is a big factor for us when considering doing any more HT cycles since the expense definitely doesn't buy any guarantee of it working.

Personally I don't believe that IVF is better at picking 'the best' egg than your own body. IVF certainly attempts to recruit a whole bunch, but I do believe that naturally your body would end up choosing to ovulate the best of the follies too. So say in any month even in a natural cycle there's usually a few follies that start to develop, I do believe that your body would 'choose' the best most viable one in a natural cycle, so I really don't think IVF is better than nature in that respect.

[lemonade]

OK, now I'm thinking I'm not so sure I can see myself sanely going through with HT. Ever. What LacePrincess says confirms what I have been reading for about a year... that after all that time and expense, there's a chance I'd end up with nothing but a chemical. And that's IF I'm even lucky enough to have a good enough embryo of the "right" sex to transfer in the first place. (I spoke to a woman at a clinic once for more info, and she said that a cycle with no transfer is pretty much as expensive as a full cycle, which shocked me.)

I've had chemicals before. I got a BFP on a Friday and was over the moon. On Sunday, just for fun I tested again, and to my horror it was BFN. I took 4+ tests and they all said the same thing. I bled the next day. The letdown was unbelievable. I can't even comprehend the devastation after 6 months and $20K.

[LacePrincess]

lemonade - my cycle was a no transfer, and yes it costs the full amount. Mostly because the vast majority of the cost to the clinic is for the ER surgery itself. The only thing I 'saved' was I didn't use up some of the drugs (estradiol, Crinone) but of course I'd already bought all of them.

From the stories I've read here, it does seem like a chemical after IVF is incredibly devastating. After all that work and expense, and for most of us travel too, it seems like we should get *something* for all that work, right? It just seems so unfair to be left with absolutely nothing.

That's not to discourage anyone from going HT at all, but it's most definitely not a 'sure thing' at all. The way I looked at it was, I didn't want any regrets down the line. I wanted to know I'd tried everything and not regret not at least giving it a try, within sane and reasonable limits. I really do hate having the feeling of no control over my body, and frankly I wouldn't really be devastated at all if we ended up having to go back to trying naturally.

[Sarah4girl]

Lemonade- I was in your position about 6 months ago. I started a thread 'is HT worth it' and got mixed opinions. In the end we decided to give our best at trying for a girl by swaying. In the end we simply couldn't afford it right now. Esp for something that isn't guaranteed. If it was i would have been all in. Plus hubby wasn't 100% into the idea. I'm now pregnant, yet to know the gender. When I first found out i was pregnant I wished I had done HT as I was convinced it must be a boy- I tried my best with swaying, but wasn't perfect. Now I'm ok whatever the outcome and think I did ok with my sway. (Now I'm back to my very boy lifestyle Good luck to you and whatever you decide!

[1+2+3boys]

For the first time in ages I have actually started thinking I should just sway. This saying comes to mind lately
"The more I learn the more I realise, the less I know" Gosh this journey is all so hard. I might need some time out again

[Boom]

I don't think I can sway. That also takes time and a lot of effort. I have money, I don't have willpower. And if it's to be your last baby no mater what, for me the GD would be so much worse.

Lemonade, is there an explanation for your MCs? I wouldn't risk spending any time or money on IVF until that is investigated.
Good luck whichever path you choose.

[MyByC]

If you go to a good clinic AND you have good pretesting, you have a great chance of it working the first time.

Sorry to interrup, but what a good clinis mean in Europe?
What are the costs for the best clinic in Europe?

[LacePrincess]

MyByC, I'm afraid I don't know much about European clinics, hopefully one of the European gals can chime in on that.

I think that it would help if going into HT everyone made sure they were *realistic* about their chances. I don't mean to be a Debbie Downer either, but I do think a lot of the devastating emotional reactions (and I know, I had them!) comes from assuming that proven fertility = sure thing for IVF. It doesn't. It means a better chance than for someone who's truly infertile, but it still doesn't guarantee you'll be a OHW by any means.

As long as people face reality of what IVF can and can't do, you'll be ok. You really need to confront how you'll feel if you do spend $20k+ and have nothing come of it.