New and taking this all in

[KatsCradle]

I wrote a bunch about our situation and then deleted it because it was too long. Basically we are deciding if we will have a third child or close up shop now that I am nearly 39 and DH is 45. He is mostly concerned that our age makes it too risky in regards to genetic or other issues. I considered suggesting IVF/PGD -2 birds/ 1 stone- select for a healthy girl (we have two boys). Dh says that he is willing to discuss our age/health with our OB and if our OB gives us the go ahead DH would move forward with having another baby(OB already told me I didn't even need to talk to him until after I'm 40 about whether I should stop). I think it is most likely that Dh will be open to a "see what happens" approach to baby making if he gets on board with #3. I'm not sure how involved with swaying he will be- if I express to him that it is very important to me he might get with it. Our family planning discussions were always that if we had two of the same gender first we would have a third and then stop regardless. He has two of the sons which he so desperately wanted (he doesn't have a father and I think his super involved relationship with his boys has mended that to some degree) and knows that I had hoped for a daughter. Mainly he is very worried about money. It seems like no matter how much we are bringing in- it will never be enough for him to feel comfortable or hopeful about our financial future. Perhaps because he didn't have a lot growing up he is just very worried that we won't be able to provide for them but sometimes I want to shake him back to reality becasue we live in a high cost of living area and are still bringing in more than lots of families that I know with more kids and a nice lifestyle. I think it might be a little tight to start but in a few years it won't be an issue. Tight like- get a bigger car for the three kids but not the fanciest car or can't afford fancy vacation- not tight like we can't feed them/pay our rent- and I don't need the fanciest so that's fine (nor does he- he is very sensible). I wish he would see that we can put off having more money but we really can't put off having a third kid and we have every reason to believe that the money will catch up to the size of our family.

We put a lot of work and sacrifice in the last decade into his career and our financial stability, and it is finally paying off- but like putting meat in the funnel of a grinder it takes time and we are just seeing the results start to trickle out. We are about to purchase a larger home (easily would accommodate a third kiddo), he just became an equity partner in my Dad's law firm, and we have very little debt (just a few grand on one car and a few grand in medical etc). We should be set up for things to go up and up but by the time we get to "up" it will be too late. I will be ok if baby #3 is a boy- I feel like there is one soul missing at our dinner table and that might be a boy- I might just be supposed to be a boy mom- but I figure if we are going to have a third I might as well up our chances at a little household diversity. I will admit here that I want the third to be a girl- in fact my ideal was always two big brothers and a little girl. Ok so this post is mostly jsut me trying to talk DH into a third kid so maybe I'll go say all this to him LOL.

[Serenity]

Hi KatsCradle,

I'm very new here too, but welcome anyways.

I'm in a similar situation, trying to convince DH that we should have another child. I also feel that someone is missing at the table (a girl or a boy, I'm not sure). I guess the best we can do is just tell our partners how important this is to us, and then listen to them about their feelings, too. It's a tough situation with lots of potential for resentment, if someone isn't able to come around to the other's way of thinking. I'm hoping things will evolve organically, and one or the other of us will be able to come around in time. I do worry about resenting my partner in the future, if he is the one who "takes my daughter away from me," but I also trust in the strength of our relationship, and in my own strength, to be able to carry us through no matter what.

I wish you and your family much peace and happiness...I truly believe that everything unfolds exactly as it's supposed to, anyways.

[Giselle2016]

Money comes and money goes. U can hold off on making money as u can always make more later as the kids grow older, but u can't put off having kids as ur clock is ticking (so is mine cause I'm approaching 39 myself). If u don't have a family history of diseases, u should be fine. Besides at 13 weeks u can always do the nucuscan and the blood work that tells u the chances of the child being sick or not. Were ur chances high for the last two children?

We too live in a very, very expensive area, cost of living here in Bay Area is crazy! Ugly homes start for $1million, let alone nice ones. Don't even mention just the cost of living in general up here and my husband refuses to move anywhere else. But for me, I refuse to let finances be the reason I won't have more children because I know that is something I will regret later in life. Money is nice and of course I'm not saying have so many children that u cannot afford a nice lifestyle for them, but another one baby will probably not break the bank, especially since u think u both are starting to climb in ur careers. It may make things go slower, but imagine becoming super rich and then wishing u had one more baby and it was truely too late.

More and more couples are having babies later in their life because of career reasons so I don't think having a kid at 39 is so old.

I have 2 boys (prego with my 3rd after a failed sway for a girl) and already talking about having pgd a year after I have this one and I'll be 39 then and chances for that at 39 are not that great but I would desperately like to try for a girl that way as I feel I only make boys if we try naturally. Losing about $20k is a whole lottttt of money for us so I'm trying so hard to save $ now so we can afford that!

Good luck. I truely think children are a blessing and u won't go broke if u add another child to ur family so go for it!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[atomic sagebrush]

Ok. The first thing I want to mention is that the idea that the risks of having a baby with issues does rise but it is much more slow and much less terrifying than the conventional wisdom maintains. I have a link to a really great article that lays out how sketchy that data really is. http://genderdreaming.com/forum/late...d-article.html

More and more of us are having babies in our late 30's or early 40's. I had one at 39 and one at 42 and there are lots of other gals on here in the same boat.

I will go slightly off message here and mention that in my experience, a lot of men will use alleged worries over health and finances as ways to say no without having to take responsibility for it. You are 100% right that you cannot postpone this and you cannot let his concerns (which in all honesty may not be entirely genuine, even if he thinks they are genuine, if that makes sense - I'm not saying this is a deliberate conscious thing but I do think it's something to consider nonetheless) stand in the way of you getting what you want here because for you this is now or never.

The unfortunate truth about being a woman is that men can and do, all the time, pick up and start over again with a new family. It happens every day, often like a bolt from the blue, and all those women would have sworn that their husband wasn't the guy who would ever do something like that, yk?? It's something we all have to consider at least in the back of our minds. This has dire financial effects on their first wife and family (far more than adding a baby) and we do not have that luxury of starting over again in 3 or 5 or 7 years. We biologically CAN"T start over again at 45-50 with a new family. They can. For us, we have to have our babies while we can and JMO but I think that means that our wishes have to matter more than vague, possibly disingenuous concerns about finances and health concerns. So I would just keep in the back of your mind, that you may need to look out for number one here - so many of us women are pleasers by our nature and we expect that if we're good and follow the rules, we will get what we want - but this isn't always the case and sometimes we have to be willing to go to the mat to fight for the right for BABY!