Broken Dreams

[laVieEnRose]

Dear Mumofsix,
Be kind and gentle to yourself. It's still very early days. I can only share my experience and tell you that each day brings healing and hope.
2 weeks ago I was in the same frame of mind, feeling guilty that I might have caused my ectopic pregnancy and you gave me some wonderful words of comfort. You are not at fault, and I am sure that deep down you do know it is natures way, but I also know that first of all 'accepting' is so hard and heartbreaking. We so want to understand why and how, but the truth is it can't be explained.
I went through denial, anger, despair, sorrow and now grief. Each time I look at my scars which are still tender I think of the little being who had chosen to come but sadly had to go. There was no choice or I would lose my life and my children their mother. I now accept it and I am grateful. Grateful to be living a life in this world where medicine can save you, grateful that I'm healthy and my loved ones too. I am grateful for My beautiful boys and my husband. I just approach life with appreciation as I understand how it can all suddenly be taken away...
I too wanted a 2014 baby so bad, but I come to realise that it doesn't matter does it? For me it was for selfish reasons such as I want my last baby before I reach 40, and when I want something, I want it now, immediately...well, who cares I will be over 40, and in this world of immediate consumption, thank god there are still things we can't control. I just need to let go...

I'm still surprised how my emotions are still up and down. Yesterday we had also a family gathering and someone asked me how I was and I just burst into tears...so I guess I'm still healing, and that's fine, I need to let it happen.
I have no ideas where I am at with my cycles. I don't think I can count CD1 as the last bleed as its was post surgery. I just need to wait...I have been off the LE diet for 2 weeks - I will resume it but not as strictly. I'm not sure if an ectopic pregnancy sway at all.

I'm sorry you haven't got the support of your mum but I do hope you have it within your family. From what I read in previous thread, your husband seems lovely and your DS2 a Jem. Cherish their love.

I'm thinking of you and Sending you lots of love.
Happy to be your rainbow baby buddy.:-).

Speak soon xxx

[SamS_TTCPink]

Mumof six I'm so surprised you don't have lots of friends you seem really genuine, lovely and fun!!! But yes I too could not have coped without this site and all of you ( no one knows I'm swaying!!) yah for new friends and this site xxxxx

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Awww...thank you kitkat. 💜💜
It's more because we were young when we had our first child (18) and so all our friends were out partying while we were working and raising a family and other parents looked down on us because we were young and parents so we've always been "stuck" and don't really fit in with anyone. And anyone we were friend with, had 1 or 2 children so stopped asking us over or doing anything with us because we had six.

I'm also so busy with the kids that I don't really get out much. 😉

The couple of friends I do have are wonderful but they don't have any kids so they're always out it away and busy. But I really do love having you all on here!! 💜❤️💛


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[SamS_TTCPink]

Thank you for such a beautiful, heartfelt post laVieEnRose. It's comforting to know what I'm feeling is "normal" and a process we unfortunately have to go through. I was at the shops with DS2 today and we walked past a brand new baby girl in a pram and it hurt so much knowing I'm currently losing my baby and 'she' won't get a chance a life. But yes, it does make you appreciate the miracle that our children are.

My DH is being supportive as he is upset too, as although we were only 6 weeks along, in his eyes too we have lost a child. And DS2 is amazing! I took him shopping today for some clothes that he wanted to get and he insisted I but myself something too. He said "I'm not letting you leave without getting yourself something because you never do and you deserve something" and we had a really nice day out together, just us two. I felt dreadful physically, but it was so nice to just be with him, someone who knew and someone who cares so much about his mum. 💜

My DH is concerned about getting pregnant straight away as he is not sure it will be 'good' for my body and doesn't want to increase the risk of another miscarriage, and of course I'm the same, but if it doesn't pose any risk, I'd like to attempt again soon.

I think I'll give myself Easter to eat well and provide my body with some nourishment and then get straight back on LE and see how we go.

It's sad that so many of us have to endure this pain and loss but it's so nice to have someone who understands. xxx


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[WantingPink]

Your DS2 sounds like the sweetest boy on the planet... one day he is going to make the most amazing husband and father!!

I am so sorry you are going through this but you must know that you didn't do anything to make this happen. I think we forget how truly complicated making a little life really is. Things just cant happen perfect all the time... that just isn't how nature works. I am sure it wasn't anything you did. It is so nice that your DH is right there with you and you can lean on him. I can guarantee my DH wouldn't be as sympathetic or empathetic.

I have seen lots and lots of women on here get PG right after their early losses. I don't have advice for you as far as what to do as far as your sway. I am sure Atomic will have some words of wisdom for you.

Be kind to yourself and take your DS2's advice and do something nice for YOURSELF!!

[atomic sagebrush]

I am so sorry!! I do have a guide to swaying after a miscarriage here: http://genderdreaming.com/forum/gend...scarriage.html and then please let me know if you have any questions.

[SamS_TTCPink]

Thanks Atomic. 😊💜


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[Mrs_Incredible]

Again, I'm so sorry for your loss. I think I told you on your other thread that I had a blighted ovum in February. I was 6 weeks along when my body realised and let go. I O'd 2 weeks later and got pg again with one attempt. I wasn't great on le but with the lost pg I had barely eaten as I was so poorly feeling, every symptom going, so I figured that along with the mc was my best shot at a sway. I don't think for a minute that I'll have a girl, but in my mind it was my best chance at a sway attempt. I hope you fall pg quickly. For me I couldn't have waited, I needed to move on. After o I really regretted not having more than one attempt. What was I thinking!? Really can't believe I got pg twice with one attempt. Good luck xx


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[Kelissi]

I'm so sorry, sweetheart. Sending you love and hugs and all good things - loss is so, so beyond difficult. You did absolutely nothing wrong. You absolutely deserve a girl. Even though it's hard, please try to avoid blaming yourself, because loss is natural, and, sadly, pretty normal. Even sadder is that we feel like we can't talk about it.

When I got pregnant with a Paragard in, I had it pulled which probably caused me to miscarry. I came across this sculpture, and it was very cathartic to look at for me: http://d2c23y42n9jhsc.cloudfront.net.../801070c8d.jpg .

[Adia]

So sorry Mum...I feel your grief. I started swaying in Nov 2012 and got a BFP right away. It was a blighted ovum and I miscarried at 7 weeks. An u/s showed a sac with nothing growing in it. I got pregnant again Nov 2013 but never got a BFP just all the symptoms of pregnancy and then a typical miscarriage at 6 weeks.
Here I am still swaying almost 2 years after starting.
Big hugs, it is such a heavy heartache losing a baby even when we have had several others.

[Rosie85]

oh Mum, once again I am so sorry for your loss. I agree with trying this next cycle, that short time off LE wouldn't have hurted too much and the sway after a loss will probably even it out. I hope you are healing okay. Your DS2 is such a lovely lad, I can only hope my boys turn out that well! You are amazing and deserve your daughter, it was nothing you did. I am sure you will be holding your daughter in your arms by 2015!