Not feeling too hopeful.

[usuallywrite]

I am on day 4 of AF. It was 53 days since my last one, and in July, I had 3 separate +opk's, all about a week apart. I felt sure we would have some luck on that 3rd go, as there were more clear signs of having o'd. Then nothing but bfn's. I have just been so down. Still mourning the loss of my son, and dealing with so much nonsense from people with that, it's ridiculous. Nobody wants to let you grieve. They either abandon you, or in subtle and not so subtle ways let you know how you're doing it wrong. How you'd feel better and more peaceful about things if you'd _______ fill in the blank. My own parents have been so weird, acting like they have any idea what this is like for me and my family. They on the one hand act like it's just as hard for them (um, no it isn't), and on the other are so insensitive and judgmental it is clear they haven't the faintest idea how difficult and traumatic this has been and is. It has only been 8 and a half months, for the love of Pete. We had our boy for 10 and 3/4 years, and we're just supposed to move on, in a matter of months? Or ever?

I worry another baby won't happen. Maybe I am too worn out and worn down and too old... But going through all these firsts without our son, while at the same time having what might be all the 'lasts' with our baby (he'll be 1 in a couple of weeks) is just too much. It is brutal. We have so much room in our hearts and family and home for another child. What we don't have is time. Time for 53 day cycles and wonky opk's. Time to put things on hold and try again later on. I don't know how to do or handle any of this. But another baby, another amazing little person in our family, it would be such a gift for all of us right now. They always are, but this family could use some light and hope and something wonderful to share and look forward to. At this point I feel like almost everything is against me. How do you keep hoping, against all odds?

Not meaning to bring anyone down. Just having a particularly rough stretch and missing my boy to the point of it stopping me breathing sometimes. Sometimes I just don't get life.

[blueeyedguys]

I am very sorry for your family's loss.

A friend of mine recently lost her husband and the kind of comments she gets on her grieving are just...awful. I don't know why so many people are so utterly insensitive. All they do is make the grieving person just that extra bit more upset. Having it be your own family must be particularly difficult.

I hope you have a more normal cycle this time & are able to have another baby.

[TishTashTosh]

I am so sorry to hear about your son - life makes me so mad when you hear things like this. My close friend lost her 10 year old daughter in January and so I have seen the impact the loss of a child can have. People already expect her to move on but how can she? I honestly don't think you can ever move on..... He will be in your hearts forever.
Please try and relax over ttc.... your body is still recovering from an enormous shock and so it makes sense that your systems may not all be running smoothly for a while. You have made 2 gorgeous kids so give yourself a break and it will happen again x

[BlessedMomma]

I am so sorry for ur unimaginable loss. I know they say life is unfair sometimes, but losing a child is much worse then unfair, its cruel
Im sorry now ur having to deal with wacky cycles, I pray this month ur able to get ur bfp.

[ratcliffe1811]

I'm so sorry for your loss and everything you are going through atm. If you arent fussed about timing you could always try the smep SMEP - Sperm Meets Egg Plan it may help x

[usuallywrite]

I am definitely loosening up a little bit on the swaying I have been doing since April. Part of me has wondered if I am already so depleted on many fronts, and I've been making it nearly impossible to become pg? The stress levels right now are unimaginably high, mostly due to the obvious harsh situation we're in, and in part because of the expectations and comments from other people. A desert island with my dh and remaining 5 children sounds perfect right now. At least until I can begin to recognize my own life again. It feels like some horrific twilight zone nightmare at the moment. Thank you all for your kindness, and encouragement. It means more than you know.

[atomic sagebrush]

I am so so sorry. I don't even have the words to say.

What I would do is set the OPK aside for now and start BD unprotected every 4 days.

[carmella_marie]

I'm sorry for your loss and the way people are responding to it in hurtful ways.

I also am having long cycles and they're so frustrating. OPK's also just seem like such a cruel joke to me sometimes, they make you think O is on the way and then nothing. I second AS suggestion of BDing every 4 days.

I'm really hoping this happens for you soon.

[usuallywrite]

Thank you! I think that's probably wise and sensible, Atomic. OPK's have been my friend in the past, but right now I feel like they're just messing with me (you relate, Carmella). At times it's hit or miss doing every 4 days with dh's strange and ever changing work schedule, but I'm going to try to just stick with that as best we can. Thanks for helping to hold me up today, ladies. It's tempting to just lay face down and wave the white flag some days. Or weeks.

[SamS_TTCPink]

I am so sorry you're having to deal with, not only losing your son, but all the comments, harshness and judgements of others. No one, unless they've lost a child themselves, could possible fathom what you're going through and are in. I position to make comments. There is also no right or wrong way to grieve and no timeline of grief either. It would all still be so painful, so new and so raw for you right now, and even in time, the loss of a child is not something you're going to "get over" ever. One day you may find a "new kind of normal" but things will never be the same.

My heart and thoughts and love and prayers go out to you, and know that however you're trying to get through the days right now, is right for you. xxx