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  1. #1
    Dream Vet

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    Did you keep it to yourself or tell?

    I am wondering if those ladies who have been unfortunate and had a miscarriage, if you kept it to yourself (and husband/partner etc) or did you tell your family/close friend/s?
    I haven't been able to answer the phone from my best friend as I am not sure if I can tell her or not... I am seeing my mum today for the first time in a couple of months, but I am not sure if I want to tell her either?

    Did it make things feel better or worse for you if you told people? I don't want to hear all the usual crap that people say - like 'oh well, better now than later' or 'why on earth are you trying for a 5th baby'!
    But I feel very alone, my husband won't really talk about it with me, he just gets uncomfortable or something and changes the topic.

    I am currently waiting for a follow up ultrasound tomorrow, after being told at my 8wk scan that the growth was that of a 6wk and also that the heartbeat was very, very slow at 46bpm. I was told that it was not a viable pregnancy, so I am guessing that the scan tomorrow is just to confirm that the heart has stopped.

    Ugh, this really sucks, I was so happy with waiting for a March baby and now it's all undone.....

    Sorry to go on, hopefully someone will have some words of wisdom for me


    Unsuccessful HT attempt March 2015

    Sway baby August 2015 @ 8 weeks **testing revealed it was a (Trisomy 16)

    Chemical pregnancy start of Nov 2015

    Hoping for a soon - like REALLY soon!!!

  2. #2
    Dream Vet

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    Oh Immi, again, I'm so very sorry.... When I had a miscarriage about 10 years ago, I did tell my best friend & I think it did help! I think having someone to talk it over might be very nice... Someone who won't make mean or thoughtless comments.... Do you have someone going to your Appointment tomorrow? Big hugs Immi!!

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  4. #3
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    Immi I'm so very sorry to read this I have no advice just hugs and I hope you find someone close to you to talk to and help you through this

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  6. #4
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    Eneli's Avatar
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    If you can share with very close family /friends maybe can help. Talking about things without hearing nonsenses can be useful. Be sure ypu choose the proper people to share with.
    Mum to a beautiful and dreaming with a little (or two!!!! )

    --------------------------

    Cycle #1 HRC. September 2014. 7 retrieved, 5 mature, 4 fertilized and tested. One XX comp EB B/C transferred. BFN

    Cycle #2 HRC. January 2015. 4 retrieved, 1 mature, 0 fertilized. NT.

    Cycle #3 HRC

    Little Mon we're waiting for you!!! 06.17.

    Baby Mon is coming

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  8. #5
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    I'm so sorry that you are going through this. It really does suck.

    Two of my best friends had miscarriages within a year and a half of mine and they only told their closest friends (me) and immediate family members (parents). I on the other hand, was so upset and feeling alone after my miscarriage (because DH wasn't on board with the pregnancy in the first place) that I ended up writing about it on Facebook and another parenting board I am a prominent member of and have been on for over 12 years. In the end, I'm so glad I did. On Facebook I probably had 50 responses and so many were from women who had gone through similar and told their story. Even women who had suffered miscarriages 30 years ago were still pained by it. Women who I had no idea had been through the same thing. I got lots of texts, private messages, and emails as well. I really felt like baring my soul helped me heal. I also posted on the due date of what would have been baby #3 as a remembrance. DH couldn't/wouldn't share my pain and having so many women rallying around me that had been through the same thing really helped. The first 6 weeks I was so sad and depressed that I couldn't talk to a few of my best friends on the phone (the ones with infant and toddler girls) because it was too hard. But I was so grateful to be able to have 2 best friends I could talk to who had recently been through the same thing. In fact, my one best friend has two boys like me and had swayed for a girl with baby #3 so she knew exactly what I was going through and how I felt. I was one of the first ones she told about her 12 week miscarriage and I feel like we helped each other through the hard times after our miscarriages. I'm so glad I had her to talk to. My mom knew, and even though I'm an only child and extremely close to her and I tell her everything, she has never had a miscarriage and didn't understand or know how to support me. She constantly talks about how she only ever wanted a daughter (she had 5 brothers) and therefore was so happy when she found out I was a girl. That's great and all, but didn't help the situation! She did come up and stay with me and support me physically and take care of my boys while I went through the miscarriage and I am grateful for that. But my best friend was there on the phone for emotional support and would have been there physically as well if we lived in the same city (I was also her doula for her DS1's birth so we are VERY close, like sisters).

    I think you should do whatever you feel is right for you in your heart.
    Last edited by essnce629; August 3rd, 2015 at 04:49 AM.
    Me: 35 years old. Was an infant nanny and birth and postpartum doula. Now a full time SAHM.
    DS1: Aug 2003 (my first home birthed water baby!)
    DS2: May 2009 (my second home birthed water baby!)
    Oct 2014
    July 2016: Laproscopic surgery to remove a ping pong ball sized endometrioma on left ovary and 3 pea size fibroids on outside of uterus. Hysteroscopy to remove one larger "penetrating fibroid" inside uterus.
    Oct 2016: Heartbroken after DH's vasectomy. Looks like my dreams of a daughter are gone.

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  10. #6
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    Sorry for your loss Immi, my advice is to tell the people you feel comfortable telling, people do not need to know yet or ever if you dont want them to. If they knew you were pregnant then maybe let them know but unless you feel talking to someone will help at this stage then maybe keep it to yourself for a little while longer

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  12. #7
    Dream Vet

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    Thank you ladies xx
    My best friend is wonderful (and even a counsellor) but I think it is the 'saying it out aloud' part that is scaring me....
    My mum and I are not that close and she is a little insensitive when it comes to things like this, so I might not let her know just yet....

    Ash, I am going alone to the scan, which I am ok with, as I find it better to be by myself in situations like this (same as all of my HT cycle scans/appointments etc, I was by myself).

    I think when I get some time alone on the phone with my bestie I will let her know, she hasn't been through it herself, but has had sisters and other friends who have.

    Thank you again xx


    Unsuccessful HT attempt March 2015

    Sway baby August 2015 @ 8 weeks **testing revealed it was a (Trisomy 16)

    Chemical pregnancy start of Nov 2015

    Hoping for a soon - like REALLY soon!!!

  13. #8
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    I can see both sides of the coin I guess. With my angel DS, I was so deep into the preg that everybody knew and I had to deal with a lot of the comments you mentioned. With my angel DD I was only 8 weeks so not everyone knew but several people did (close friends and family) and after her loss I didn't get so many dumb comments and I appreciated the fact that although not everyone knew about her, that some did. Some knew she existed. Some felt sadness for her loss. I don't know that I would have felt very good about her being our little secret. She was a life worthy of mourning. HOWEVER, I am starting to see the flip side of the coin. With our recent Chem preg I only told 2 ppl (other than on this board), my hubby and my best friend. It was very frustrating to, yet again, call and give bad news that things didn't work out. I am kinda getting tired of the "I'm pregnant!!!!.... Oh wait, nevermind, not anymore!" dance. I still haven't decided how I am going to work the next preg... whether I'll tell ppl early on or not.

    I can't give you advice on what to do, I can only tell you my experience. The only food for thought I can offer is this: Do you plan to ever tell anyone about this preg if things go sour as you expect? If so, would you rather tell them before you know the verdict, while hope, no matter how small, still exists? Or would you rather tell them after? In other words, would you rather say "I'm pregnant but things look bad" potentially followed by a conversation to share the bad news, or would you rather wait until the verdict is in and share your grief with others who may be able to support you. Only you can decide which you feel you can live with.

    (((HUGS))))
    Last edited by twointow83; August 3rd, 2015 at 10:22 AM.
    Our family is complete
    My precious babies: 2006 , 2010 2016
    Too beautiful for earth: 2009- (20+5). 2015- (8w), CP, (8w)

    Please pardon typos~ Nursing @ keyboard

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  15. #9
    Big Dreamer
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    Hi immi, I just found out today that I have lost our baby (7 weeks). I haven't had the strength yet to tell anyone on the phone, but I have sent messages to everyone who knew we were pregnant (family and close friends) and have received some lovely message of support. It helps me not to have it bottled up and also to feel the love and support coming in. A couple of friends have also opened up and told me about past miscarriages which I think has helped both me (not so scary knowing what is to come) and probably also them.

    I think for me it also helps that people know I am not ok at the mo, so I don't have to worry about them wondering why I'm not returning calls / cancelling get togethers etc.

    Big hugs to you. This is such a horrible time.

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  17. #10
    Big Dreamer

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    Hi Immi,

    Sending you a massive hug and thinking of you today. I am here if you need to chat. Dealing with a loss of any kind is hard as you never know what you are going to expect from your emotions, sometimes they can take weeks to set in before you begin to actually process how you feel. xx
    2004: 2011

    Dreaming of pink

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