My story - a complete honest account

[The Anchor]

Wishing you all the best pbn, huge hugs.

[MeanVeggieGal]

Hi Pbn3,

I know you don't know me well and I'm new to this site/forum. You have been kind and encouraging the little that we've communicated. Your post has touched me.

In 2013 I wanted nothing more than anything to be pregnant. So when the big day arrived and both lines were visible on the hpt I was elated. My DH and I didn't waste time telling our family and friends. Our pregnancy progresses without incident until my 28th week.

At 28 weeks I was stunned to find out our healthy DS no longer had a heartbeat. I then endured the worst 52 hours of my life until I birthed my sleeping son. Words can't describe the agony and bitter feelings I felt. I didn't hold him or look at him. I just wanted to die, then and there!

12 weeks later I became pregnant and cried. Not happy tears. I needed therapy throughout my pregnancy until my happy healthy son was born. I am overprotective of him and the therapy helped. He is almost 2. My daughter is 16.

My daughter kept me going. I am happy to still be alive. I was a mess back then, but this too will pass. Your life is more important than you realize in this moment.

This too will pass. ❤💚💜💙

[atomic sagebrush]

Pbn thank you for being such a help on the site and a friend to everyone. I wish you all the love in the world and just know that so many of us have gone through the dark times and come out on the other side.

[momamia4]

I sent you a private message

[Complex Emotions]

...thoughts of how much better my family would be without me, my husband could find a normal, awesome mother for our kids and live a happy life. My kids are young enough that they will forget me within a few weeks and my husband will find a normal women and have a happy, normal marriage...

Please remember that no other woman will ever be able to replace you to your sons. You were the one who carried your boys. You were the one who connected to them when they were newborns. You are the one who they've known as their momma throughout their earliest, most formative years. Your presence will always be a large part of who they are, no matter what happens.

If your life were over, no one else on this planet will ever have that same mothering connection to them as what they would have had through you. If you were to die when they're still so young, their whole lives would be so much poorer for that.

You are the one who your husband connects to as the mother of his children.

No one could ever truly replace you.

[Kelbear]

Pbn3 thank you for all your support recently and for being so honest in posting this. It takes a lot of courage to do what you have done and even more courage and strength to seek out help when you need it. Please don't think your family would be better off without you as that could not be further from the truth. You are the world to your boys and no one would ever be able to take your place in their eyes. I hope you can get the help you need to start to climb back out of the dark spot you are in, it is a hard journey but worth the effort. Just take it one day at a time, sometimes one hour or one minute at a time as a day can be too overwhelming. Wishing you all the best and sending hugs

[Serenity]

Hi Pbn3,

I just want you to know that I've been where you are. After that, I also worked with a lot of people who were where you are (in my previous work as a counsellor).

It's not real. All those dark thoughts are nothing but a symptom of depression. You can't prevent them right now, but you can stop believing them. Your life is exactly as it used to be: you are still loved and treasured by your family, just as you always have been. The world is still full of light and beauty, even though your eyes can't see it right now, and your future is lovely, even though your heart can't feel it.

Depression is sometimes caused by too much loss. It's a deep, dark, profound state of grief and pain, but with help the losses can be bourne and the darkness can be overcome.

Every person who has been where you are and decided to live has later come to a place of immense gratitude to themselves for making that choice. You will look into the eyes of your children one day, much sooner than you think possible, and your whole being will glow with the gratefulness of being able to see their faces at that moment.

You may want to think about stopping the alcohol right away, if you're ready: there's a chance that you might impulsively do something that not all of you wants to do while you're under the influence.

Keep reaching out to others, and believe me when I tell you that although this feels insurmountable, that line of thought, too, is not real: depression is very treatable, and you will be yourself again soon.

[1moregirl]

Oh Pbn3. I am sooo sorry yuo have been going through such a horrid time and experiencing depression. I don't tell everyone this, but I am telling yuo in case it helps. I have been on antidepressant medicine for maybe 10 years or a bit longer now. I mainly suffer from anxiety, but also depression. In my early 30s I found myself in a physically abusive relationship and, once I got out of that relationship (the last straw was my broken nose), I was at rock bottom. So, I was able to rebuild my life, with the help of antidepressants, therapy and support from family and close friends, and still managed to find a loving husband and have three beautiful babies all whilst taking the medication. Please don't ever give up hope...there is always hope and I am certain yuo have loving family and friends to help yuo along your way. Yuo have also obviously made many close friends just here in GD as well. If you ever need to talk to someone who has been there, please don't hesitate to send me a PM. And I hope that life gets better for soon my dear. Many hugs. Xxxooo

[Pbn3]

Hi I'm back again 😀 and thought I'd update.

Firstly, thank you to each and every one of you that posted messages of support. I really appreciate it and wish I'd had the strength to thank you at the time.

I'm doing great!! The anti depressants (plus zero alcohol until xmas lol) have been a godsend and made me feel like myself again, not this stranger that posted this first message. I still cant believe that was me....

I have had yet another emc at 5w1d just before xmas but I'm ok. Sad because I would have oed right around my 9th wedding anniversary and figured surely this was it but it wasn't to be. I'm ignoring my obs advice about waiting 3 months for what she classified as a chemical pregnancy so will be ttc for the next two cycles with clomid. We had an unprotected bd this cycle at cd11 because I figured I wouldn't o until cd14 or later but low and behold I'm pretty sure I oed cd13 lol. In any case at 9dpo it was a stark bfn as I expected. I know its early but I just cant see me possibly getting a bfp from an early bd.

After talking to dh we are going to continue trying for just two more cycles then I'll let go. I'm already appreciating life so much more with just my two boys so when the time comes I'm hoping acceptance will follow (with help from my therapist lol) and life will move on without the 3rd baby. I still feel envy and sadness (for myself) at seeing pregnant women or newborns but its not as deep anymore and I've learned to just look away lol.

I hope to join the 2ww thread again soon and meet all the new (hopefully no old) ttc'ers 😀

Thank you again for all your wonderful support, this truly is a most wonderful 'family' to be a part of 💜

Sent from my GT-I9305T using Tapatalk

[Faithinpink]

So nice to see you back pbn3 Xx