Is better to not find out sex till birth if wanting specific gender ?

[ChezIBY]

With dd3 the hope and praying it had to be a boy kept me going throughout the pregnancy . When she was born I was happy yes she was healthy and all went well , but it was also a sad day and such a blur the next 3-4 months as my disappointment overwhelmed me . Unfortunately it has tanted her birth and given me birth trauma. I feel like a bad mum everyday for feeling like this. It is a very hard decision.

!!! Aw shucks Curly! How old is DD3 now? How are you doing? Take care of yourself!

[Throwaway_panther]

*Fervently* May we all get to that place eventually, where Pronoia is now!

Though Panther, when I take a good look at your signature I guess I really have nothing to complain about - those flowers in your signature You really are the strong one <3

Thank you Chez. I wish I could say I was, but I'm not. I've isolated myself from everyone, am planning to skip the holidays because I can't bear to be around pregnant family. I'm a coward, if anything. I just don't want to hurt anymore, and being around them brings so much pain. I was feeling brief peace when we scheduled our IVF consult, but now I feel anxious and sad about that, too, after reading success rates.

It's hard to think how I first came here thinking the world was my fertile oyster. I never thought I'd be in this place.

[atomic sagebrush]

this WILL happen, I promise.

[2curlydolls]

Hi chez , my GD is stronger as the time goes on now my youngest is 13 months old . I will never get over it unless I do something about it . Hence why I am here! So sorry Panther for all your losses. Stay hopeful , that's what keeps us going through the tough times.

[ChezIBY]

Panther, I can't begin to imagine how you feel, so I am sorry if what I say will be useless. But i'll try: do whatever makes you feel best, or less down at least. If you don't feel like being around family for the holidays don't!! Not wanting to hurt anymore isn't being a coward. For crissake, you've had more than your share!! And, while I can't say anything about ivf, I have one thought that I hope can help you: I wanted a somewhat unusual career for myself once i'd left college but I was scared i'd not succeed so my first question to the school's career advisor was 'what is the percentage of our school's graduates who make it in that field?' she just looked at me all odd and went, 'what do you care about the statistics? You just need the one win.' Panther, you just need to get lucky once, hang the statistics and don't torture yourself reading them!! My thoughts go out to you <3

[ChezIBY]

Hi chez , my GD is stronger as the time goes on now my youngest is 13 months old . I will never get over it unless I do something about it . Hence why I am here! So sorry Panther for all your losses. Stay hopeful , that's what keeps us going through the tough times.

You've got the right attitude Curly

[Geek Mama]

I did not find out with both of my kids. I really felt that my second was a girl because everything about my pregnancy was different than the first son. For both, I always had dad announce the gender at birth to me and not anyone else, which made it tender. The second time, in preparation for possible disappointment, the boy name I had picked out was after my favorite (and female) Star Trek character (son’s name is Dax). Also, we didn’t share out names with anyone, and when he was born, I made the announcement of his name to my mom and doula and then posted to the rest of the world. Helped me feel connected to him. When I saw him, I was in love. He was my baby. I would not have taken a girl in exchange for him. I think part of that bonding we did was bonding during pregnancy as Mom and baby-not gender. My DH feels strongly about not finding out because he says he like bonding with the baby as just baby. It’s the only time we really can have a genderless knowing of our kids. Also, he likes the idea of communicating the message to our kids that we didn’t need to know and they all had the same experience on some level. DH teaches me so much about my own feminism. We gave every kid a geeky nickname to bond and be sweet over (first was Stormaggedon from Doctor Who, next was Short Round from Indiana Jones, and this pregnancy is Slimer from Ghostbusters). I did have feelings after birth, but the preparation I did helped nothing be in the way of being a mama. Then, I had to allow myself my feelings about what I didn’t have, and realistically, may never. I learned it was separate from my feelings about what I have because my sons are treasures.

Still, I am nervous as hell this time because I really swayed hard. I do anxious regularly anyway, but I work hard on rolling with my feels. That does not make me broken. Anyway, as far as what anyone else should do...that’s their own answer. We need to explore our hearts, our situations, our partners-all of which are different. Part of that exploration is community and talking to others to clarify our hearts. Then, make your decision in recognition that it is more than likely not possible to avoid difficult feelings. So, prepare, make coping plans, have support, and be with your feelings. Also, PPD was mentioned. Possible for depression to develop during pregnancy or postpartum. Finding out or not doesn’t mean you are or aren’t more likely to have it. It very much depends on the individual. Also, it may occur without gender disappointment. Often does. I think I would have been depressed during pregnancy if I found out rather than bond with Short Round.

Lots of love and luck. I think I will be seeking support from other moms here not finding out this time too.