The Feelings are Back :(

[BabsNMK]

I'm a month PP with DS #3 and my GD is back with a vengeance. Over the weekend I found out that a friend who had also swayed (on a different site) is pregnant with a girl after her two boys. Naturally she's thrilled and shouting it from the rooftops. But this just started a downward cycle for me. I keep thinking what did she do to deserve her desired gender that I didn't? Why are people around me getting their DG and I couldn't? This is crazy irrational so I'll be calling my therapist to set up an appointment, but I'm so angry at myself for feeling this way. I wanted a daughter more than anything. I still do. And part of me in my mind thinks maybe I can convince DH to go PGD for a 4th, but to be honest I don't want 4 children. My desire for a girl overrides that but I never imagined myself with 4. Financially, physically, I don't want it. I thought this baby would be my last but the idea of never having a daughter is almost crippling to me.

Now with DS#3 I prayed for him to be easier than the previous two, just to give me a break. And it looks like that's not going to happen. Food intolerances, reflux, terrible sleep patterns. It's like his brothers exactly. And while I'll gladly suck it all up for him because I truly do love him so much already, I'm sad and frustrated. I cry now multiple times a day. I wanted this to be it, to move on from this stage, to enjoy a difficult baby because I know it would be my last. Instead I feel like I can't close the door and I'm suffering through the current stages

I could just use some encouragement maybe. I know I'm lucky to have healthy children. I never take that for granted. And there are plenty of people who never get their DG. So why can't I move on and enjoy this?

[ksmom]

I know how you feel. I had a really hard time finding out we were having our third boy. It seemed like everyone was having a girl and I wasn't. I wondered why it was so easy for everyone else while I worked so hard and still had another boy. Over time I came to realize that a lot of it has to do with luck. By random chance, luck, happy coincidence or whatever you want to call it, people get their desired gender. When I was pregnant with DS2, it was the first time I had a gender preference. I wanted a girl so much but despite not getting a girl, I was fine with it because he was what my mother-in-law called a "dream baby." He was so laid-back, rarely fussed, and loved to sleep. I couldn't believe my luck especially since DS1 was so difficult. When I found out we were having DS3, I had high hopes he would be an easy baby. I figured if I wasn't going to be having a girl, the least the universe could do for me was give me an easy baby, right? But, no. He's fussy, clingy, and is such a terrible sleeper that I can't remember the last time I slept for more than 3 hours straight. He's so adorable though and his delicious chubby cheeks get me every time. We plan to give a HT a go for a girl but the thought of doing pregnancy, the endless nursing sessions, and the sleepless nights over again gives me anxiety. I suppose if we're lucky enough for it to work, I may not even care about that and just be grateful. It would have been ideal though to have already had a girl so I can say we're done and move on. I think the hardest part is the not knowing....not knowing if I'll ever get to experience having a daughter or if I am destined to be a boy mom.

I will say it does get easier. It's really hard in the early days with a newborn especially with all those wacky postpartum hormones and sleep deprivation. Once they start being more mobile and aware of their environment, they become a little less frustrated which makes it easier on mom. The baby phase is so short though even if it doesn't feel like it. I definitely think you should speak with a therapist or at the very least, with someone you know and trust. These are really important feelings to get out in the open. The more you talk about it, the easier it becomes to accept. Don't ever feel bad or guilty for feeling this way. It's normal and SO many of us here have been through it. I'm here if you ever need to chat.

[BabsNMK]

Thank you ksmom. Your post is so reassuring. I was getting upset with all he people around me getting their DG on #3 but the close friend (my conspirator who I could talk about swaying with all the time) was the straw that broke t he camel's back. I can thankfully talk to my mother about all this and she's understanding. I made an appt for the therapist next week. And yes I guess a lot of this is just the post partum hormones. It just hurts so bad to have everything brought back to the forefront of my brain when I had done a good job suppressing it for a while.

[kittendreams]

I feel for you Babs I really do!
it is so hard to try your hardest and not succeed while watching others get what you desire. I went through this with ds2 and he was also a difficult baby with food allergies, reflux and bad sleep etc- it makes it even harder!
He is 8 months now and coming through all of that difficult phase and is just a delight. We are extra close whether it be from my GD or the all nighters we've had together or some other reason I don't know but he is my boy and so sweet.
I really hope you can pull through this and please go easy on yourself- pp hormones are brutal! I am only just dealing with mine now at 8.5 months pp and feel like I'm finally starting to get some balance both physically and emotionally xx

[BabsNMK]

Thanks Kitten. I'm sure I'll find it easier in a few months. I just have the pity mentality right now where if I couldn't get my dream gender why couldn't this one be easy. He might be easy in time but right now I spend half my night trying to get him out of pain so he'll sleep. I then become resentful and I don't want to be that mom.

[kittendreams]

Oh it's so hard when they are in pain and you can't help them!
i really hope he settles into a routine for you soon Babs- those nights are so long and they really take a toll on you. Please vent away to us that's what we are here for! Xx

[nyc0404]

I'm a month PP with DS #3 and my GD is back with a vengeance. Over the weekend I found out that a friend who had also swayed (on a different site) is pregnant with a girl after her two boys. Naturally she's thrilled and shouting it from the rooftops. But this just started a downward cycle for me. I keep thinking what did she do to deserve her desired gender that I didn't? Why are people around me getting their DG and I couldn't? This is crazy irrational so I'll be calling my therapist to set up an appointment, but I'm so angry at myself for feeling this way. I wanted a daughter more than anything. I still do. And part of me in my mind thinks maybe I can convince DH to go PGD for a 4th, but to be honest I don't want 4 children. My desire for a girl overrides that but I never imagined myself with 4. Financially, physically, I don't want it. I thought this baby would be my last but the idea of never having a daughter is almost crippling to me.

Now with DS#3 I prayed for him to be easier than the previous two, just to give me a break. And it looks like that's not going to happen. Food intolerances, reflux, terrible sleep patterns. It's like his brothers exactly. And while I'll gladly suck it all up for him because I truly do love him so much already, I'm sad and frustrated. I cry now multiple times a day. I wanted this to be it, to move on from this stage, to enjoy a difficult baby because I know it would be my last. Instead I feel like I can't close the door and I'm suffering through the current stages

I could just use some encouragement maybe. I know I'm lucky to have healthy children. I never take that for granted. And there are plenty of people who never get their DG. So why can't I move on and enjoy this?

Aww I understand how you feel. Currently pregnant with son #2 and haven't given birth and have already been thinking about how to sway for #3.

May I ask what you did with your sway attempt? Do you know what your friend did.

Stay positive hun..you have three special princes who will grow to take care of their queen!

Sent from my ONEPLUS A3000 using Tapatalk

[BabsNMK]

Aww I understand how you feel. Currently pregnant with son #2 and haven't given birth and have already been thinking about how to sway for #3.

May I ask what you did with your sway attempt? Do you know what your friend did.

Stay positive hun..you have three special princes who will grow to take care of their queen!

Sent from my ONEPLUS A3000 using Tapatalk

Honestly I don't remember but my sway is posted on the site somewhere. My friend essentially starved herself. She ate green beans, chicken and perhaps rice? She dropped a frightening amount of weight and stopped ovulating altogether. She was unable to get pregnant for about 6 months. Her husband finally made her stop and I believe it was about 4 months after she stopped swaying that she got pregnant.