Is it worth it?

[cravingsalt]

Sometimes I feel ashamed of myself. I have two sweet little boys, 3 and 2, but can't stop thinking about having a girl one day. It's not the adorable clothes at Baby Gap that kill me (though it does hurt my heart to walk through there), or the sweet pigtails (I'm bad at doing my own hair)...but the innate knowledge that in 20 years, my baby boys are going to have girlfriends, then wives, who are going to be the center of their universe- as they should be. But I just want that mother-daughter relationship, to have grandbabies that I don't feel like I'm intruding on their mother. I know, in my head, this is all silly really. You're not guaranteed anything in life, but I just always figured I'd have a daughter. Even onthe days when I can reason it all away, and I think I'm feeling fine, it takes one remark from someone else to bring all those feelings of devastation flooding back. Like when I was 8 months pregnant with DS#2 and an acquaintance asked me what I was having (she has one of each). I cheerfully chirped "a boy!" and she literally said, "ha-HA!". Or when I took him out at a week old and the waittress peeked in the carrier and said, "aw, maybe next time you'll get a girl." Plus there the last 5 children in the family have been boys so everyone is pining for a girl. Meanwhile, we are stretching our resource for a chance at a girl. Not to mention the jump from 2 to 3 (third row of seating, going to outnumbered, second hotel room, etc.) and I wonder. On my good days I say I want another baby, regardless, even if I knew it was another boy. Of course, if I have another boy I'm sure I'll fall in love with him as well, just like my two sweet sons, but will he always be the boy that wasn't my girl? The one who made finances tight and mom and dad overwhelmed?

Feeling guilty before even trying. Third child jitters, or some kind of intuition... anyone else feel this nervous about trying again?

[coocoobananas]

Absolutely and just came to terms with letting it go as I realized how great having 2 kids was! Of course that's when I get a bfp! Of course I got here somehow from constantly thinking about it so I know that itch would always be there if we didn't get pregnant! I'm really sick (only 2days) and wondering what the hell I was thinking?!? But like I said, there was something pushing me hard enough to try again! Even knowing how awful I would feel!! 3 kids was always a thought so why not, but I'll have to let go of the dream after this! I'm thinking that if it's a boy, the only way he would be here would be my want to try for a girl... So he was just meant to be and I had to go through all this to get him... If that makes sense!
It's scary once you actually go for it, I get it! It's even scarier when you actually get pregnant lol yikes!!!

[hopingforsaskia]

Oh wow ... That's exactly how I feel. I don't even need to comment! I think though that it's all going to be worth it in the end -- I mean, surely one of our daughters in law will like us - right? xxoo

[cravingsalt]

Coocoobananas- you are so right! I never would have had my Logey-bear if Elijah hadn't been a boy. Maybe this is nature's way of encouraging us to have more kiddos even in a bad economy, ha! CONGRATULATIONS on your pregnancy, fingers are crossed for a little girl for you. But if it's a boy, you can have three little musketeers. And hey, lots of hand-me-downs and you can arrange them in rooms however you want without gender coming into play. Plus you already know how awesome little boys can be.

[cravingsalt]

If anything, I think we'd be very sensitive mothers-in-law from the get-go because we're so aware of wanting to keep our sons close. Maybe this whole journey is just making us better, all around. At the least, I know not to ask people questions like "oh, but didn't you want a girl?" Ha!

[baabaa]

I totallyget where you are coming from. I had all the same thoughts for all the same reasons. In the end though, if you are sane and reasonable (which i like to think i am!), then i will stay close to my sons, and in the future, my grankids. I think of it like this, if my mother-in-law said she would babysit my kids one day a week I would jump at the chance, so even if I have three boys that doesn't mean you I won't get to be close to the grandkids, if you know what I mean?

I had a strong desire for another child. Its so hard to tell if that was because I wanted to try for a girl, or if I just wanted another baby. Your thoughts are so clouded when you have two of the same gender, you can't positively know what is driving your decision for a third. I tried a couple of things before I got pregnant. I wrote a list of all the things I 'thought' I wouldn't get without a daughter, and then wrote next to them how my sons could fill that same gap. I also wrote a letter to the daughter I will most likely never have, explaining why I would love her and what I had hoped for her. I then sealed these in an envelope and they are still in the back of my underwear draw, but kind of feels like it has all moved out of my head and out of the way.

I am pregnant now and feel quite okay about it, whatever gender this one is. I have watched our 12 week scan and in the 3D part of the video it shows something very penis looking, so I am pretty sure this is DS3. I will admit I cried my eyes out when I saw it on the video, and that night when I told DH, but that was kinda my grieving and now I feel excited about him. I won't find out the gender for another 4 weeks or so, but am feeling fine. I definitely went into this knowing another boy was a real likely outcome, but I decided the universe would give me what was best. I wanted 3 children, and if I have another healthy baby (boy or girl), then I will be fine. If you make peace with your decision before you go into it, then I think it's easier to take what comes your way.

[cravingsalt]

Thank you for your response! Our boys are right about the same age, ’08 and ’10 babies. Congratulations on your third, how exciting!!

Yes, in real life I like to think I am sane and logical too, despite my feelings-dump on here.  And maybe it’s to our credit that we thought about it before jumping in? I think it was wise of you to write it all out and get in on paper. I am going to make my own list. The one x-factor with me is that my eldest is also (possibly) on the autistic spectrum (the experts disagree right now, because of his age- some days we hold out hope of just a communication delay), and if it is autism any subsequent children (and especially boys) are more likely to also be affected. Even so, I would have him 100x’s over, so I hope I’d feel the same about a third.

It’s funny, I wrote a letter to my first son when trying to conceive him, it took over a year and I was devastated and hopeless for a lot of that journey. In it, one thing I wrote that I didn’t care if he was a boy or girl (after long hoping for a girl I truly didn’t care anymore, I just wanted a baby). If I really think about it and bring myself back to that place of wondering if I was going to ever hold my own child, it brings things into perspective. Gender pales in comparison to all the other factors!

(Now, see, I’m sane again, until somebody asks me when I’m going to “try for that girl!”)

[auroara78]

Cravingsalt,

I was just hours after a scheduled C-section with DS2 when nurse after nurse buzzed at me was I going to try again for a 3rd to "get that girl." Yet, in my arms I held my precious second baby boy, who I was still marveling over, and trying to figure out! My DH got sick of the comments and when his grandma asked the same question while holding precious boy 2, my husband snapped at her, and said "enough with the girl comments! She was just literally cut open a few hours ago!"

For me having a girl was a dual pronged sword: 1) I really did always dream about having a daughter for that (hopefully) intense bond that a mother-daughter can form; 2) my competitive side was getting the best of me and everyone seemed so disappointed that number 2 was a boy that I wanted to have a girl to prove them wrong, to show them I could do it, it was a very typical response for me being the last child; that I had to prove to my older siblings and everyone else out there who would dare make a comment that I could do it....that was my biggest fear of having a DS3 wasn't that I wouldn't love or care for him, it was that if I had him, it meant I somehow 'failed' and didn't achieve creating the female gender!

Our money is very tight. My husband quit his job to become a stay at home dad when we get preggo with number 3 because the day care costs would have killed us otherwise. Still, a single income is hard, and I find myself wondering now sometimes why i was so possessed to get pregnant now when things weren't great money-wise. I have every belief though that money will IMPROVE and that this is baby girl is meant to be here, and overall, I am still very, very happy we concieved her and are going to have her. I am amazed at the thought of my two older sons having a sister! And I'm very happy she will have two protective brothers!

My take is, and maybe this sounds really hokey: 20 years down the line, will you regret not having tried for a 3rd and wonder if the baby could have been a girl? Or would you be happy you had that 3rd baby, even if it meant a 3rd lovely, handsome son that may be your best friend? My mom had 3 girls and 1 boy (GGBG) and my brother is the closest to her, and they go out to eat at least once a month because my Dad is very anti-social and my brother loves going out, just like she likes going out. He looks like her and thinks like her and they get along like two peas in a pod. She always tells us girls she wishes she had more boys!

[cravingsalt]

Wow, congrats on your pregnancy and your li’l girl at that! I bet you were over the moon!! Thanks for taking the time to write.

That’s a good way of looking at it. And I think in 20 years, I will regret not having had the third, or if I do, I wouldn’t regret having had third, boy or girl. Right? I don’t think anyone regrets having a child- or admits it. At least for me, I can’t imagine my life without DS2, who I had extreme GD with. Admittedly the short term will be tough though, because we are in a similar position. DH got laid off when DS1 was 9 weeks old and I have become the breadwinner though I have always wanted to be a SAHM. After taking 2 years to stay at home he started getting stir-crazy so he works now, but he still only makes ½ of what he made before. With #3, his income will be enough to pay for daycare and commuter expenses/lunches, and my income pays the bills. We make too much to qualify for any kind of assistance and too little to have much wiggle room. So it’ll be a stretch… but when it all boils down I think it’ll be worth it to give my boys another sibling. Especially if DS1 turns out to need help later in life, I don’t want everything to fall to DS2 (although that’s a long way away and could turn out to not be a factor at all, but it’s always in the back of my mind).

[LolaInLove]

Cravingsalt, you have joined the right place! Most everyone here feels a pull for one reason or another to try for that girl or boy. Funny thing is how all of the boy moms have the same worries you do, and all of the girl moms worry that society looks down on us for not producing sons, among other things. All in all, if you want a third child, go for it! Money will work itself out (we are really in a similar financial boat).

And I really hate how people make those comments.....I am the super anti-comment poster on this site. It makes me so irritated that someone would say "trying for a ____?" or "hope you'll get a _____ next!" People just have to say something sometimes, whether they intend to just make conversation. I have snappy remarks in my brain bank that I pull out if need be!

But hey, your profile pic is awesome, love it! Just give it your best shot with the swaying and keep your fingers crossed! I think a lot of women have had luck with getting a girl with these methods. Good luck, have my pink dust!